![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
02-12-2014 at 01:57 PM (38 Views)
The No Contact Rule: The Narcissist and No Contact
https://thenarcissisticlife.com/the-no-contact-rule-the-narcissist-and-no-contact/
[this article definitely points up some areas in which I have not been as "no contact" as I say/think I am, nor as I want to be. I am printing this out and putting it up someplace where I can see it daily!]
The Narcissist and Apology
https://thenarcissisticlife.com/the-narcissist-and-apology/
This article points out the differences between sincere apologies and people saying things to get out of taking responsibility. My mother is prone to #4 and #1, either one, or one after the other. TQ has in the past sent out mass emails with trite little stories (the nail in the fence, the feathers in the pillow case) or put up little sad animal pictures in Facebook. She does not specifically acknowledge specific incidents, nor approach the person or persons directly with an apology or attempt to clear the air, nor make any verbal or physical efforts to change and not do the harmful thing again. MasoNarc turns it around and makes it all about how damaged she is, her terrible childhood, how much pain she is in, and how dare you expect her to ____ when you know good and well how much she is suffering and hurting. You monster, you. So..I guess a combination of 2 & 3?
I am bad at apologies and forgiveness because apologies in my experience mean "I am weak and stupid because I am imperfect and human and I made a mistake, please beat me up about this mistake continually until I grovel enough for your satisfaction. I must be perfect all the time every time or you get to beat me up forever. There is no expiration date on this mistake. If I make a mistake, acknowledge it, and apologize, you can bring it up and beat me with it every time you get mad at me, forever."
The Narcissist and Revenge
https://thenarcissisticlife.com/the-narcissist-and-revenge/
Explains very adequately why it's really dangerous to get away from one of these folks, and a bit of what goes on in their head that makes them hate you so much.
Why do Narcissists Lie?
https://thenarcissisticlife.com/why-do-narcissists-lie/
Termite Queen is a big fat liar, in every sense of those words. At the same time (as a result of?) she insists on absolute Truth from her husband and lover. she often accuses them of being dishonest, most especially using the term "lies of omission"....no matter how 'honest' or 'truthful' they are in attempting to placate her, she can always find something they left out as being unrelated to the discussion, or forgot, some minor detail, and she uses that little nugget to harm them, discredit them with her followers when she splits them all-bad, etc. It is fascinating and terrifying to behold. And yet, she tells stories from books and movies as if they happened to her, she has stories that are obvious falsehoods, things that could have never happened the way she says they did, and god forbid you call her out on it. Sure, you were raised in a grand southern plantation home, you played piano from infancy just like Mozart and the only reason you weren't a Broadway performer was because of something your mom did/said, you had hundreds and thousands of dollars before your marriage divorce which somehow happened in the summer between high school and college, otherwise the dates wouldn't match up, your horses are all pure bred high dollar quality animals but mysteriously the previous owner lost all their papers, bla bla bla. I bet they are telepathic and do magick, too.
&, finally, if you MUST stay in a relationship with one of these
How to “Beat” a Narcissist?
https://thenarcissisticlife.com/how-to-beat-a-narcissist/
pander to them, pet them, stroke their ego, play the fool, play down your accomplishments (never be better than they are!), never disagree, never criticize, accept their criticism with gratitude and always tell them how wonderful they are 24/7/365 (gag, gag, vomit)
Admittedly, it was funny at times the way my ex would egg Termite Queen on when she started telling one of her "I'm so wonderful and everyone else is stupid," stories at the dinner table. He laid it on so thick, she was not able to see that she was being mocked and made fun of, she absolutely adored my ex and thought he was so sweet and cute and funny. If she wasn't so awful, I'd almost feel sorry for her and the way she soaked up all of his 'fake admiration' --he was very cruel. My brother is not stupid, he must have seen that she was being mocked, but it's almost as if he took a little-boy glee in watching his bully get beaten at her own game.
[editing to add:] Yeah...I don't like the gender language in a lot of self help literature. Nor the assumption that every relationship is monogamous and heterosexual. It marginalizes people who are already feeling like there is no one else in the world who is in their situation, and reinforces the belief of the abused person that there is no one who can understand or help, because there is no one else out there like themselves. Add in elements like BDSM, Polyamory & open relationships, disabilities, homosexual, bisexual, and transgender and there's REALLY nothing for those folks.
But it gets awkward to write 'he or she' 'him or her' etc. so I can understand why a writer would arbitrarily pick a gender and just go with it. If I were writing an article like this one, I would choose a different gender for the abuser and a different gender for the abused in each paragraph or example, just to give a broader view of what an abusive dynamic can look or feel like.
The No Contact Rule: The Narcissist and No Contact
https://thenarcissisticlife.com/the-no-contact-rule-the-narcissist-and-no-contact/
[this article definitely points up some areas in which I have not been as "no contact" as I say/think I am, nor as I want to be. I am printing this out and putting it up someplace where I can see it daily!]
The Narcissist and Apology
https://thenarcissisticlife.com/the-narcissist-and-apology/
This article points out the differences between sincere apologies and people saying things to get out of taking responsibility. My mother is prone to #4 and #1, either one, or one after the other. TQ has in the past sent out mass emails with trite little stories (the nail in the fence, the feathers in the pillow case) or put up little sad animal pictures in Facebook. She does not specifically acknowledge specific incidents, nor approach the person or persons directly with an apology or attempt to clear the air, nor make any verbal or physical efforts to change and not do the harmful thing again. MasoNarc turns it around and makes it all about how damaged she is, her terrible childhood, how much pain she is in, and how dare you expect her to ____ when you know good and well how much she is suffering and hurting. You monster, you. So..I guess a combination of 2 & 3?
I am bad at apologies and forgiveness because apologies in my experience mean "I am weak and stupid because I am imperfect and human and I made a mistake, please beat me up about this mistake continually until I grovel enough for your satisfaction. I must be perfect all the time every time or you get to beat me up forever. There is no expiration date on this mistake. If I make a mistake, acknowledge it, and apologize, you can bring it up and beat me with it every time you get mad at me, forever."
The Narcissist and Revenge
https://thenarcissisticlife.com/the-narcissist-and-revenge/
Explains very adequately why it's really dangerous to get away from one of these folks, and a bit of what goes on in their head that makes them hate you so much.
Why do Narcissists Lie?
https://thenarcissisticlife.com/why-do-narcissists-lie/
Termite Queen is a big fat liar, in every sense of those words. At the same time (as a result of?) she insists on absolute Truth from her husband and lover. she often accuses them of being dishonest, most especially using the term "lies of omission"....no matter how 'honest' or 'truthful' they are in attempting to placate her, she can always find something they left out as being unrelated to the discussion, or forgot, some minor detail, and she uses that little nugget to harm them, discredit them with her followers when she splits them all-bad, etc. It is fascinating and terrifying to behold. And yet, she tells stories from books and movies as if they happened to her, she has stories that are obvious falsehoods, things that could have never happened the way she says they did, and god forbid you call her out on it. Sure, you were raised in a grand southern plantation home, you played piano from infancy just like Mozart and the only reason you weren't a Broadway performer was because of something your mom did/said, you had hundreds and thousands of dollars before your marriage divorce which somehow happened in the summer between high school and college, otherwise the dates wouldn't match up, your horses are all pure bred high dollar quality animals but mysteriously the previous owner lost all their papers, bla bla bla. I bet they are telepathic and do magick, too.
&, finally, if you MUST stay in a relationship with one of these
How to “Beat” a Narcissist?
https://thenarcissisticlife.com/how-to-beat-a-narcissist/
pander to them, pet them, stroke their ego, play the fool, play down your accomplishments (never be better than they are!), never disagree, never criticize, accept their criticism with gratitude and always tell them how wonderful they are 24/7/365 (gag, gag, vomit)
Admittedly, it was funny at times the way my ex would egg Termite Queen on when she started telling one of her "I'm so wonderful and everyone else is stupid," stories at the dinner table. He laid it on so thick, she was not able to see that she was being mocked and made fun of, she absolutely adored my ex and thought he was so sweet and cute and funny. If she wasn't so awful, I'd almost feel sorry for her and the way she soaked up all of his 'fake admiration' --he was very cruel. My brother is not stupid, he must have seen that she was being mocked, but it's almost as if he took a little-boy glee in watching his bully get beaten at her own game.
[editing to add:] Yeah...I don't like the gender language in a lot of self help literature. Nor the assumption that every relationship is monogamous and heterosexual. It marginalizes people who are already feeling like there is no one else in the world who is in their situation, and reinforces the belief of the abused person that there is no one who can understand or help, because there is no one else out there like themselves. Add in elements like BDSM, Polyamory & open relationships, disabilities, homosexual, bisexual, and transgender and there's REALLY nothing for those folks.
But it gets awkward to write 'he or she' 'him or her' etc. so I can understand why a writer would arbitrarily pick a gender and just go with it. If I were writing an article like this one, I would choose a different gender for the abuser and a different gender for the abused in each paragraph or example, just to give a broader view of what an abusive dynamic can look or feel like.
