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Loving or Abusive?

Power and control are at the center of a violent and abusive relationship. Equality and mutual respect are the center in a well-balanced relationship. A healthy relationship is kind, equal, loving and fulfilling. Abusive relationships are spiteful, controlling, terrorizing and stagnating. Use the following comparison chart to decide which type of relationship you have.

Loving: Non Threatening Behavior - Talking and acting so that you feel safe and comfortable expressing yourself and doing things.

Abusive: Uses Threats and Intimidating Behavior - Makes you afraid by using looks, actions, gestures, smashing things, destroying your property, abusing pets, displaying weapons, threatens you with weapons.

Loving: Emotionally Supports and Respects You - Listens to you non-judgmentally, is emotionally affirming and understanding, values your opinions.

Abusive: Uses Emotional Terrorism - Puts you down, makes you feel bad about yourself, calls you names, tries to make you think you're crazy, plays mind games on you, humiliates you, makes you feel guilty, blames you for everything.

Loving: Offers Trust and Support - Supports your goals in life, respects your right to your own feelings, friends, activities and opinions, does not take away in anger what was given with love.

Abusive: Isolating Behavior - Controls what you do, who you see and talk to, what you read, where you go, limits your involvement outside your home, uses jealousy to justify actions.

Loving: Honestly and Accountability - Accepts responsibility for self, acknowledges past use of violence, admits being wrong, communicates openly and truthfully.

Abusive: Minimizes, Denies and Blames - Makes light of abuse, says the abuse didn't happen, shifts the responsibility over to you, says you caused it, says you deserve it, does not take your concerns about it seriously.

Loving: Responsible Parenting - Shares parental responsibilities, is a positive non-violent role model for the children.

Abusive: Uses The Children - Makes you feel guilty about the children, uses the children to relay messages, uses visitation to harass you, threatens to take the children away.

Loving: Shared Responsibility - Mutually agreeing on a fair distribution of work, making family decisions together.

Abusive: Uses Female Version of "Male Privilege" - Treats you like a servant, makes all the big decisions, acts like "the queen of the castle", is the one to define men's and women's roles.

Loving: Economic Partnership - Making money decisions together, making sure both partners benefit from financial arrangements.

Abusive: Uses Economic Abuse - Prevents you from getting or keeping a job, makes you ask for money, gives you an allowance, takes your money, does not let you know about or have access to family income.

Loving: Negotiation and Fairness - Seeks mutually satisfying resolutions to conflicts, accepts change, is willing to compromise.

Abusive: Uses Coercion and Threats - Makes and/or carries out threats to do something to hurt you, threatens to leave you, threatens to commit suicide, makes you drop charges, makes you do illegal things.

These are your rights in a healthy relationship: Claim them!

01] The right to goodwill from your partner.

02] The right to emotional support.

03] The right to be heard by your partner and to be responded to with courtesy.

04] The right to have your feelings and experiences acknowledged as real and valid.

05] The right to clear and informative answers to questions that concern you.

06] The right to live free from criticism and judgment.

07] The right to live free from accusation and blame.

08] The right to encouragement.

09] The right to live free from emotional and physical threat.

10] The right to be respectfully asked, rather then "ordered."

11] The right to live free from angry outbursts and rage.

Should You Change Yourself for Your Partner?

Certainly, equal loving partners may decide to change their physical habits to please each other -- but a person should NOT be asked to change their lifestyle, personality, hobbies, or career choices.

If your partner asks you to be or become a different person, remind them that they originally selected you as yourself. If their preferences have now changed, then they should either attend counseling with you, or admit that the partnership has ended -- so that you will be free to find a new partner who loves you for who you are.