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1562 rain, dreams, forgive & forge on
Aug. 14th, 2003 02:41 pmAug. 14, 2003
It rained yesterday & last night, continues to rain today. We needed
it. But it made me tired. I went to bed at around 6 pm last night and
slept until 6 this a.m. Dreamt about the .s. They had a place
down by the river, sort of by Paul/Pans in Gruene, but naturally
covered in filth & gross, like the .s tend to live. Pookie gave
me a prickly pear fruit & told me there was a Hershey kiss in the
middle & broke one open & showed me the pulpy middle that was vaguely
kiss-shaped. There were thorns among the juice, I think I got some in
my fingers. M V had long hair & we were hugging & I was having a
crush on him or something like that. Wonder if X ever had an
Electra complex & thats why she was so resentful of Cora. Hm.
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4 Ways To Forgive, Forge On
Print article
by Dr. Susan Mendelsohn
eDiets Psychologist
Do you find yourself constantly blaming others for your misery? Are
you simply looking for a scapegoat to place the blame on? Do you
define yourself as a victim? If you find yourself ruminating over
past injustices, it's time to get a grip!
Yes, it is too late to have a happy childhood, and it is just as
impossible to go back and rewrite the script. However, it is never
too late to have a productive and healthy life -- despite the
injustices of the past. A river flows in one direction, never
backwards. Like a river, we need to look ahead, go with the flow and
never view our lives through the rearview mirror.
Holding grudges toward someone is counterproductive to living in
peace. Grudges expend far more energy than they are worth. When you
hold a grudge, the only person who is re-abused is yourself. Hence,
the abuse cycle continues, and nothing ever becomes resolved. This
only compounds grief and creates a lifetime of sadness and pain.
Being a victim is a state of specific circumstances in the
moment. "Victim" does not describe the entity of a person. For those
of you who have been victimized, pat yourself on the back for
surviving it and arriving at the place you are today. If, since that
past abuse, you have constantly held yourself to that self-definition
of "victim," now is the time to dispel that identity.
In the article, "The End of Innocence" by Dusty Miller, which appears
in the current issue of Psychotherapy Networker, the author
states: "And, although I hold in my heart that wild young woman and
how she came to be, the river of life has flowed a long way since
then, and she's now only part of me."
You are who you are today because of your past. Be it a happy
childhood or a sad, unfortunate one, you have risen above and moved
on. Now, it's time to put those grudges behind you and live for today
(and tomorrow).
Grudges suck up more of your energy than they are worth. Forgiveness
is a key that will unlock a whole new world for you. The purpose of
forgiveness is for oneself, not for the offender. It allows us to
feel liberated and move along toward a peaceful and healthy
existence.
Reconciliation with the person or persons who have wronged you is one
way to prevent feeling re-victimized in the future. According to an
article by Laura Davis, which also appears in the July/August issue
of Psychotherapy Networker, there are four types of reconciliation:
Deep, mutual healing: This is a gift to be cherished. This is the
type of reconciliation we long for the most, because both people grow
and change. There is a deep healing in the relationship. When this
happens, amazing transformations can occur.
Shifting your expectations: This is when one person changes his or
her expectations of the other person. The relationship opens up, even
if the other person doesn't makes significant changes.
Agreeing to disagree: Two people have dramatically different versions
of the past -- like whether or not abuse occurred. Rather than each
trying to convince the other that (s)he is right, they agree to
disagree. They can then try to find common ground that is not
connected to the dispute as a way to forge a new relationship.
Inner resolution: This is the inner path we travel when direct
reconciliation with the other person is impossible. The other person
may be too drunk, too damaged or too hostile to make reconciliation
possible. The other person may have slammed the door in your face and
may not plan to ever open that door again. You have attempted
reconciliation, and your efforts have failed. Or, the other person
may even be deceased. In these instances, your task is to grieve for
the relationship you don't have and slowly, gradually learn to move
on.
According to Laura Davis, "Many people experience a combination of
these four techniques. Sometimes a relationship starts in one place
and shifts to another over time. There is nothing fixed about
reconciliation. It's a fluid process that shifts and changes."
The stage is yours to do with it what you desire. Now is the time to
make a new beginning with you in the lead rather than the supporting
actor to the offender.
--------
Dr. Susan Mendelsohn is a licensed psychologist who works with a
variety of addictions and specializes in managing eating disorders.
In addition to teaching and maintaining a private practice, she
counsels eDiets members online. Got a question for the doctor? Feel
free to email her at drsusan@ediets.com.
