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evileI've posted this before, but it's a good time for a reminder. (and a very unpleasant slap in the face, as far as showing me where I've messed up very badly in the past...)
This is an excellent website. I found the following to be very helpful for me:
...you may be wondering what to do with the knowledge that this person is abusing or being abused. The most important thing you can do is talk about it and not hide it, but there is a bit to learn about to make sure you aren't going to cause more harm than good. Some helpful things to keep in mind would include:
Safety must be the first consideration. No matter how "right" you may think you are to do something, if it puts your friend in a dangerous situation, then it isn't helping and could lead to death.
Your understanding that your friend is in an abusive situation doesn't mean very much, because you aren't a party to the abuse.
Your friend is still the same person he or she has always been, even though that may not be the person you thought you liked.
Your friend's life is not your life, and your happiness is not dependent on his or her happiness.
He or she is probably in denial about the abuse, even if he or she appears not to be. Do not be surprised if some rather ridiculous sounding things pop out of his or her mouth along the way.
It's not your position to heal, punish, or save your friend. He or she will need your respect, support and listening much more than your fixing, advice or judging.
Beating up on your friend's partner, whether verbally or physically, will only do harm, and may violate the law. Besides that, it's wrong.
Honesty and openness are vitally important, but keep some distance between being brutally frank and frankly brutal.
Keep yourself safe and take care of your responsibilities. You can't help your friend if you throw your own life into crisis.
Your actions speak much louder than your words. Giving your own life some scrutiny to see if you have some things you could improve about yourself, and then walking a path of healing and growth will go much further with your friend than any amount of sermonizing or lecturing.
Please never do something for your friend that he or she could do for himself or herself. People make sure that things which are important to them happen. And sheltering people from the consequences of their behavior may rob them of the most valuable learning experiences they can have.
Please do not tolerate intolerable behavior from your friend. Calling the police can be an act of love if it keeps you safe and starts your friend on the road to healing (prison can be an effective form of treatment).
This is an excellent website. I found the following to be very helpful for me:
...you may be wondering what to do with the knowledge that this person is abusing or being abused. The most important thing you can do is talk about it and not hide it, but there is a bit to learn about to make sure you aren't going to cause more harm than good. Some helpful things to keep in mind would include:
Safety must be the first consideration. No matter how "right" you may think you are to do something, if it puts your friend in a dangerous situation, then it isn't helping and could lead to death.
Your understanding that your friend is in an abusive situation doesn't mean very much, because you aren't a party to the abuse.
Your friend is still the same person he or she has always been, even though that may not be the person you thought you liked.
Your friend's life is not your life, and your happiness is not dependent on his or her happiness.
He or she is probably in denial about the abuse, even if he or she appears not to be. Do not be surprised if some rather ridiculous sounding things pop out of his or her mouth along the way.
It's not your position to heal, punish, or save your friend. He or she will need your respect, support and listening much more than your fixing, advice or judging.
Beating up on your friend's partner, whether verbally or physically, will only do harm, and may violate the law. Besides that, it's wrong.
Honesty and openness are vitally important, but keep some distance between being brutally frank and frankly brutal.
Keep yourself safe and take care of your responsibilities. You can't help your friend if you throw your own life into crisis.
Your actions speak much louder than your words. Giving your own life some scrutiny to see if you have some things you could improve about yourself, and then walking a path of healing and growth will go much further with your friend than any amount of sermonizing or lecturing.
Please never do something for your friend that he or she could do for himself or herself. People make sure that things which are important to them happen. And sheltering people from the consequences of their behavior may rob them of the most valuable learning experiences they can have.
Please do not tolerate intolerable behavior from your friend. Calling the police can be an act of love if it keeps you safe and starts your friend on the road to healing (prison can be an effective form of treatment).
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no subject
Date: 2008-08-04 07:50 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-04 07:54 pm (UTC)I think sometimes a person needs to hear something from a third party, professional person instead of a friend or family member, before it will sink in.