Just do the quiz already.
Jan. 23rd, 2008 02:48 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
evileInterestingly enough, it appears my last relationship was rather abusive. Who knew? I am loath to claim the status of 'victim' and use it as an excuse to treat people badly, avoid keeping my word, and other such behavior that seems rampant among the people who seem to be the most vocal about their issues. I certainly think there are lots of people who go around screaming "I'm a victim, look at me!" and really...just AREN'T. They are just not willing to take responsibility for their own choices & actions & behavior, and get surprised and offended when their bad behavior doesn't win them friends or get them what they want.
But...damn, I took the quiz and you could have knocked me over with a feather.
I don't think I was his tool or his puppet nor was I a blameless saint. I got things from him in return for the way I allowed him to treat me. I felt like I needed him. Like I was so flawed that the relationship with him was the best I could possibly hope to have in my lifetime. I remember saying or writing something in...2002 or so, "If I leave him, I'll just find another exactly like him." (and, generally, that's true. We pink monkeys like our patterns.)
I don't think he did it on purpose. I just think he was an unhealthy, unhappy person who took it out on me.
And because I 'loved' him, and because it was small things that built over time to larger ones, neither of us realized it was as bad as it was.
There are no monsters here, no blameless victims in need of rescue. Only humans making choices that perhaps do not serve them best in the long run.
If you are abusing or abused, get help. I am sorry I have been so judgemental about these things in the past. It was/is not my call to make.
http://www.thingsarelookinup.com/Abuse/test.shtml
My results:
Are You Being Emotionally Abused by Sweetie?
All it takes is once to change the way you feel around that person and the degree to which you feel safe and free to be yourself.
There are many ways to control and abuse a spouse, child, employee, friend.
Few people use them all-- and they are by no means all mentioned here. (See the List)
Any affirmative responses indicate you have been or are being emotionally abused.
Address the behavior, if you can, and its effects on you immediately for your mental health.
See, too, 'Setting Your Boundaries.'
Below are the categories and the affirmative responses you had to the Emotional Abuse Checklist as it pertained to Sweetie.
& here's what I've done:
Joined some groups when I realized I was becoming isolated. No Kidding!, CMA, PACT, the Austin Poly Group, Renfaire groups. Met some people, made some friends.
Developed my own interests: took classes at ACC and UT Informal classes. Went to theatre and dance performances that I enjoyed. Went to faire.
Took some classes at the Human Potential Center (Assertiveness FTW!)
Went to a Therapist, who pissed me off enough that I quit her but didn't forget what she told me.
Read some books.
Read some more books.
Signed up for a class called "When Your Relationship Ends" that pissed me off so much I quit, but kept the book and read it cover-to-cover more than once.
Went to several workshops at the Austin NLP center.
Talked to friends.
Cried on friends.
Cried.
Talked to God/dess.
Talked to my family.
Listened.
Cried some more.
Wrote in LJ...god, a lot. (I'm sorry and thank you.)
Started creating boundaries that ended up losing me some friends & loved ones. I'm sorry for the loss, and I still love and care about those people, but I will continue to make choices I feel are healthiest for my own mental health and well-being. I won't stand by and nod and smile while someone I care about abuses substances, their kids, their spouse, and/or themselves. I have no control over your behavior, all I can do is tell you I'm leaving, and why (if you ask)...
Basically: Grew up some.
And...I'm getting better, every day. In better relationships. Trying to be kind and patient with others and myself. Sometimes failing. But determined to be as happy as I've made up my mind to be. And nobody's EVER going to treat me like that again. I don't care who they are or how much time we've spent together. I owe the past nothing.
But...damn, I took the quiz and you could have knocked me over with a feather.
I don't think I was his tool or his puppet nor was I a blameless saint. I got things from him in return for the way I allowed him to treat me. I felt like I needed him. Like I was so flawed that the relationship with him was the best I could possibly hope to have in my lifetime. I remember saying or writing something in...2002 or so, "If I leave him, I'll just find another exactly like him." (and, generally, that's true. We pink monkeys like our patterns.)
I don't think he did it on purpose. I just think he was an unhealthy, unhappy person who took it out on me.
And because I 'loved' him, and because it was small things that built over time to larger ones, neither of us realized it was as bad as it was.
There are no monsters here, no blameless victims in need of rescue. Only humans making choices that perhaps do not serve them best in the long run.
If you are abusing or abused, get help. I am sorry I have been so judgemental about these things in the past. It was/is not my call to make.
My results:
All it takes is once to change the way you feel around that person and the degree to which you feel safe and free to be yourself.
There are many ways to control and abuse a spouse, child, employee, friend.
Few people use them all-- and they are by no means all mentioned here. (See the List)
Any affirmative responses indicate you have been or are being emotionally abused.
Address the behavior, if you can, and its effects on you immediately for your mental health.
See, too, 'Setting Your Boundaries.'
Below are the categories and the affirmative responses you had to the Emotional Abuse Checklist as it pertained to Sweetie.
| Isolating You: |
| Often: | Sweetie ridicules or insults people you like |
| Sometimes: | Sweetie is jealous of friends, family or pets |
| Often: | Sweetie dampens enthusiasm of social events you've looked forward to |
| Sometimes: | B-You discourage people from telephoning you at home because Sweetie resents sharing your time |
| Sometimes: | B-You have fewer contacts and activities with friends and family than before you began the relationship |
| Often: | B-You feel uneasy about being with Sweetie and your friends at the same time |
| 6 Affirmative responses | |
| If you have many affirmative answers to the Isolation questions, you're in danger of becoming so isolated from the support and perspective of other people that you eventually won't be able to evaluate what's being done to you, or to recognize a dangerous situation or person. If you had many "Yes" answers to "B" it might be that you've adapted so well to the isolation your partner has imposed that you've started isolating yourself. | |
| Monopolizes Your Attention: |
| Sometimes: | You feel overpowered by Sweetie's presence whether or not he or she is with you |
| Often: | You speak carefully, or avoid speaking, so you won't risk upsetting Sweetie |
| Often: | You time your activities to avoid their being noticed by Sweetie |
| Sometimes: | You often feel you?re 'walking on egg shells' |
| 4 Affirmative responses | |
| If you checked many answers in this group, you're focusing so much of your attention on your partner's opinions and reactions that you?ll soon lose sight of your own rights and feelings and desires. This monopolization of your attention by your partner, in combination with isolation from other people, may lead you in the direction of excessive dependency on your partner. | |
| Claims to Be All Powerful: |
| Sometimes: | Sweetie claims to know the "right" way to do things, and that you don't know what's "right?" |
| 1 Affirmative responses | |
| If you checked two or more of the items above, you may eventually be persuaded by your partner that he or she is omnipotent or at least greatly superior to you and that you aren?t competent to make your own decisions. | |
| Enforces Trivial Demands: |
| Often: | Sweetie interrupts your work or other things that are important to you, to get her or his needs met |
| 1 Affirmative responses | |
| If your partner enforces trivial demands, you may feel either like a servant or an incompetent child. You'll focus on the narrow mechanical tasks expected of you, and give up making your own judgments about their value. (This category is not meant to imply that people who emotionally abuse don't also make outrageous demands. They often start with minor issues, which build up to greater ones, or the abuser may start with something so unacceptable that when he or she moves to something less dramatic, it may seem, by comparison, more manageable. These demands may involve "loans" of money, never repaid, or use of a car that's mistreated or not returned in time for you to keep an important engagement, or a host of other items. | |
| Exhausted, Debilitated, or Dependent: |
| Often: | You feel inadequate doing tasks you used to do easily and well |
| Sometimes: | You suffer from minor or major illnesses |
| Often: | You have feelings of dread |
| Sometimes: | You feel you couldn't manage your life without Sweetie |
| 4 Affirmative responses | |
| Checks after these questions indicate that the trivial demands of your partner are wearing you down. You may feel debilitated or dependent for reasons that aren?t clear. Ask yourself how you feel when you're not with your partner. If that hasn't happened in a long time, try to get away even for a few days to see how you feel when the pressure is off. You might have a great deal more energy. If these feelings persist for a long time, see a counselor. | |
| Humiliation, Degradation: |
| Often: | Sweetie ridicules the traits you admire or value most in yourself |
| Sometimes: | Sweetie tells you no one else would want you |
| Sometimes: | Sweetie forces you to apologize for things you didn't do |
| Sometimes: | Sweetie insists you ask permission to spend money for household or personal items, whether the money is a 'community fund' or your own income [sorta. He only paid mortgage. I was expected to pay for everything else, personal and household, and if I couldn't afford it --ie: home repairs, either I went into debt to do it, or it didn't get done.] |
| 4 Affirmative responses | |
| The above questions ask about activities and demands that cause you to feel humiliated and degraded. It seems as if such experiences would motivate a person to end a relationship, but often that's not so. People who have experienced such things often stay involved because they're ashamed to face anyone else, and they hope that they can "fix" the relationship, which will make the humiliation seem to have been for a good cause. [I had no hope of fixing. I simply suffered from 'sunk cost fallacy'] A course in assertiveness may help you say no to some of your partner's degrading demands. But if your partner is violent, make a plan for your safety before you try something new. | |
| Threatening Behavior: |
| Sometimes: | Sweetie threatens to take your car keys, money or checkbook, if you don't comply with demands [again. sorta. nothing concrete was taken away, but if he was mad at me, the internet at home didn't work anymore. sometimes he told me about it and sometimes he didn't.] |
| Often: | Sweetie uses bodily or facial expressions or noises to show extreme anger and loss of control, in order to frighten you |
| Often: | Sweetie keeps guns, knives or other weapons close at hand |
| 3 Affirmative responses | |
| Whether you're threatened with the loss of your partner, the responsibility of your partner's mental illness or suicide, or injury to yourself, the use of power makes it certain you can't have a relationship of mutual respect and love. If you checked any of questions 40 through 43, you may be in serious danger. One way to diminish those threats is to ignore them, but you do that at risk of being seriously injured. This may be the point at which you'll consider leaving your partner. | |
| Occasionally Indulging Wishes: |
| Sometimes: | Just as you are thinking of separating, or when you've been abused, or for no reason at all, does Sweetie pamper you with gifts |
| Often: | Sweetie suddenly does something you have been requesting for a long time |
| Often: | Sweetie becomes unexpectedly understanding about something that would ordinarily cause him or her to exhibit anger |
| Sometimes: | Sweetie impresses you with exceptional sensitivity to your feelings and desires |
| 4 Affirmative responses | |
| This category, "Occasional Indulgences," is the one that "hooks you." These things may not happen very often, but there's always the hope that they are expressions of the real character of your partner, and that they'll surface on a regular basis. | |
| Making You Feel Crazy: |
| Often: | Sweetie suggests you're "stupid" or "crazy" if you disagree with him or her |
| Sometimes: | Sweetie lies about insignificant things |
| Sometimes: | Sweetie makes contradictory demands |
| Sometimes: | Sweetie contradicts the positive things others say about you |
| Sometimes: | Your or Sweetie says negative things about a trait you like about yourself, such as "wishy-washy," "intellectual," "stuffy," etc. |
| Sometimes: | Sweetie does unrequested favors, then gets angry or hurt when you don't do something in return [also had a habit of returning an accidental hurt I inflicted {eg: stepping on his toe} with a deliberate one {by immediately stepping on my toe on purpose, for example}.] |
| Often: | B- You distrust your feelings about yourself, Sweetie or others |
| Often: | B- You feel ashamed of past deeds that once made you proud |
| Often: | B- You are afraid no one would like you if they knew the "real you" |
| Sometimes: | B- It happens that when you are preparing for an upcoming test, job interview, evaluation, or an important event, you?re distracted and worried by a crisis in Sweetie's life or work that seems more important |
| Sometimes: | B- Sweetie causes you to question your longtime friendships |
| Sometimes: | B- You are confused about what love is and what hate is - or right and wrong |
| 12 Affirmative responses | |
| Most of these questions indicate that the abuser is doing something to make the partner weak, but checks after "A" questions indicate your partner is engaging in "crazy-making" or "gaslighting" behavior, and after "B" show to what extent you?re beginning to take responsibility for it. The latter is especially likely if you?re kept away from other people and if the "crazy maker" demonstrates other kinds of power. Becoming involved with other people will help to validate your sanity. | |
| Emotional Neglect and Distance: |
| Often: | Sweetie ignores you or grunts absentmindedly when you begin a conversation |
| Often: | Sweetie groans, complains or ridicules you, when you cry, worry, or ask for emotional support |
| Often: | Sweetie refuses to confide in you, when he or she is worried, hurt or scared |
| Often: | Sweetie ignores your wish for sex, or refuses to do what excites or satisfies you |
| Often: | Sweetie makes light of your triumphs, discourages your plans, disparages your success |
| Sometimes: | Sweetie refuses to share his plans or hopes for success [Not at first, but eventually.] |
| Sometimes: | Sweetie ignores your need for assistance when you're sick, tired or over-scheduled [again, not at first, but eventually.] |
| Often: | B- You have given up asking Sweetie for companionship |
| Often: | B- You have stopped asking for empathy or emotional support |
| Often: | B- You have given up asking, when you're sick, tired or need Sweetie's help |
| Often: | B- You have stopped asking Sweetie about his or her plans, worries, or triumphs |
| Often: | B- You have developed a habit of avoiding sex, whenever possible, but enduring it as a tolerable routine, when it's unavoidable |
| 12 Affirmative responses | |
| If many of these situations are prevalent in your relationship, your partner is psychologically unavailable to you and neglecting you, which is a form of abuse. If most of your checks were in part "B" you may have been minimizing the neglect, since you've assumed that it's all you can expect of your partner. You may not be able to get what you want from your partner, but you can diminish the pain of neglect by spending time with friends who pay attention to you and finding work that gives you satisfaction. | |
| You had a total of 51 affirmative responses. The worst part of emotional abuse is that the person victimized by it eventually takes on the role of her abuser and begins to demean, degrade and humiliate herself. That is why it works so well when it does. Brainwashing causes many women to be so debilitated, so dependent and so overwhelmed by dread that they look as if they could never become autonomous, active, optimistic people. |
& here's what I've done:
Joined some groups when I realized I was becoming isolated. No Kidding!, CMA, PACT, the Austin Poly Group, Renfaire groups. Met some people, made some friends.
Developed my own interests: took classes at ACC and UT Informal classes. Went to theatre and dance performances that I enjoyed. Went to faire.
Took some classes at the Human Potential Center (Assertiveness FTW!)
Went to a Therapist, who pissed me off enough that I quit her but didn't forget what she told me.
Read some books.
Read some more books.
Signed up for a class called "When Your Relationship Ends" that pissed me off so much I quit, but kept the book and read it cover-to-cover more than once.
Went to several workshops at the Austin NLP center.
Talked to friends.
Cried on friends.
Cried.
Talked to God/dess.
Talked to my family.
Listened.
Cried some more.
Wrote in LJ...god, a lot. (I'm sorry and thank you.)
Started creating boundaries that ended up losing me some friends & loved ones. I'm sorry for the loss, and I still love and care about those people, but I will continue to make choices I feel are healthiest for my own mental health and well-being. I won't stand by and nod and smile while someone I care about abuses substances, their kids, their spouse, and/or themselves. I have no control over your behavior, all I can do is tell you I'm leaving, and why (if you ask)...
Basically: Grew up some.
And...I'm getting better, every day. In better relationships. Trying to be kind and patient with others and myself. Sometimes failing. But determined to be as happy as I've made up my mind to be. And nobody's EVER going to treat me like that again. I don't care who they are or how much time we've spent together. I owe the past nothing.
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no subject
Date: 2008-01-24 12:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-01-24 02:00 pm (UTC)I am fleshing out an idea in my head that people don't really automatically *know* how to have good relationships or be good friends, lovers, spouses, parents, etc. Seems like a real 'duh' I guess...but if you grow up not having respectful, loving, etc. behavior modeled for you by adults and other people in your life, then how do you know how to do it yourself when the time comes to leave the nest and make your own pair-bond, or whatever?
Of course, we're all accountable for our own behavior...but a lot of us reach technical adulthood without the skills needed to be actual adults. The learning curve is a bitch.
Boundaries...just a thought...
Date: 2008-01-24 02:07 pm (UTC)Just a thought.
(Another thought about winning friends & influencing people. If your friends, family or loved ones ask you to stop attacking their beloved spouses, both publicly and privately, then you might want to stop. If your friends, family or loved ones tell you several times over several years that by attacking their beloved spouses, you are implying that they themselves are abused, brainwashed, stupid, spineless, weak, pussy-whipped, etc - that they feel personally attacked in addition to the attack on their spouses, you might want to stop. This does not win friends & influence people.)
no subject
Date: 2008-01-24 02:49 pm (UTC)Re: Boundaries...just a thought...
Date: 2008-01-24 03:18 pm (UTC)Unfortunately, I am still not too great about 'gently but firmly' establishing boundaries (and neither are you). Getting better, but generally I let myself get pushed too much and too hard before I think to say "hey, quit pushing me," and it comes out harsher than intended. Working on it. Not something I grew up knowing how to do.
If friends and family love you, they want you to be happy, and will happily respect your boundaries.
I think this is a simplistic and unrealistic worldview. First of all, you start with a pretty big 'IF'. I think there are some people I have called friend and some people I am related to who do *not* love me, and also do *not* have respect for boundaries--their own or anyone else's. I sense a tendency to blame others for ones own shortcomings here, both in myself and these friends and family. Own your own shit.
And, of course, there's the fundamental definition of "love" which in many cases with friends and family, is hopelessly flawed and mixed with codependency and communication issues combined with poor modeling of healthy, loving, respectful behavior which has led many friends and family not to know or recognize loving behavior or be able to distinguish it from controlling, codependent, disrespectful behavior.
What DOES cause one to lose loved ones, friends and
family, is not respecting the boundaries that THEY have set, gently but firmly.
Stopping speaking to someone for 2 years, sending a friend or significant other to talk sternly to someone who's offended you, giving people the silent treatment...those NOT effective or healthy boundary-setting strategies. They are not clear, gentle, or firm.
Perhaps because this might convey to them, that you do NOT want them to be happy, because you do not happily respect their boundaries.
Agreed. And working on it.
(Another thought about winning friends & influencing people. If your friends, family or loved ones ask you to stop attacking their beloved spouses, both publicly and privately, then you might want to stop.
And here is one of those situations where I don't believe I was 'attacking' any more than I believe I was 'asked'. My perception is that some people start shit by voicing opinions that are bound to be offensive and hurtful [Ie: The Rubber Pig calling my brother A a "shmuck" repeatedly in front of me, telling me what that means in Jewish, and continuing to do so even after being told that I find that word to be hurtful and offensive...I don't want to hear my brother being called an ugly name, certainly not from someone who claimed to love and respect him.] and when they are called on it, no matter how respectfully, they decide they've been 'attacked'...but do not have the courage in their convictions to continue the dialogue, but depart immediately and then send their friend, family, or loved one back to inform me that I was offensive and attacking. Which makes me feel attacked. Which makes me feel defensive. It's really *not* an effective communication style, nor is it respectful to any of the parties involved. Fight your own fights. Enforce your own boundaries. I call bullshit on this.
Re: Boundaries...just a thought...
Date: 2008-01-24 03:18 pm (UTC)Here is another situation where someone is putting words in my mouth. You say that I "imply" that someone is this or that. I don't. I say that so-and-so is being treated badly, I can't understand why they allow themselves to be treated that way, I can't see what they get out of the relationship that is worth the abuse, and I wish they'd get help and get free. I have sometimes cried because it hurts me to see them being treated badly. But, after many years of anger, hurt, tears, fear, reading, praying, and talking, I do realize that it's a choice any adult can make for themselves. If they feel that they're happy with treatment and behavior that I'd consider abusive, if they feel that they are being treated in a way they deserve, that's it.
BUT I don't want to watch them being talked to and treated badly, being spoken to with words that hurt and offend me, and I don't want to seem to give tacit approval by being present when such is happening, so I remove myself from such situations as much as I can.
With my brother A, once he got free of The Rubber Pig, he and I were able to mend fences and work on some of our own unresolved stuff from childhood. I welcome that opportunity for
anymost of my 'lost' friends and family (with the exception of the Rubber Pig and X).I am still not too great at face-to-face stuff; I tend to cry when overwhelmed with any emotion, good or bad. A friend of mine put it better than I can: "I'm still a coward when it comes to face-to-face confrontation. Not that I was afraid in any way to say these things to her face -- or to his, for that matter. I am simply physically incapable of speaking what I feel strongly without choking up and becoming incoherent."
I don't watch my words as well as I should. Many things ascribed to malice would be better chalked up to my clumsy ignorant attempts at being as honest and direct as possible.
I know these words fall on deaf ears; people who believe I'm a big bag of cunts always will believe it. People who want to blame me for things will find things to blame on me. You're going to do and believe whatever suits you to do and believe. You're going to respond to an error on my part with deliberate force.
The best I can do when I get to a point like that with people is to cease contact, or, in the case of family, minimize it as much as possible.
no subject
Date: 2008-01-24 03:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-01-24 04:28 pm (UTC)Awesome post.
no subject
Date: 2008-01-24 04:33 pm (UTC)I had an uncomfortable thought on the way home yesterday...that at some point in my previous relationship, I also became abusive in the same ways I was being abused.
Clearly, my mental picture of 'abused' and 'abuser' is becoming less clear-cut and less judgemental.
I think it's very easy to allow oneself to be mistreated and mistreat others in turn.
I always thought that if I could understand and be understood, that would create a loving situation. Unfortunately, sometimes understanding just brings to light too many differences that can't be solved, and so the only sane and healthy thing to do is be apart.
no subject
Date: 2008-01-24 04:48 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-01-24 04:50 pm (UTC)I'm pretty sure, though, that feeling guilty about it makes it all worse. You're right, breaking orbit is sometimes the ONLY thing to be done, no matter how it appears.
Sometimes we cannot make ourselves understood, and that's ok. Time to move on.
I do like the clear way you express some of this.
*hugs*
Date: 2008-01-24 05:14 pm (UTC)But it seems that she's trying to improve herself and that y'all are willing to try and have a respectful relationship with her as adults...
Which is amazing. I really respect you for that. And for deciding that being treated badly in childhood is not an excuse to treat others badly as an adult. I think that takes a LOT of strength.
no subject
Date: 2008-01-24 05:42 pm (UTC)Sometimes we cannot make ourselves understood, and that's ok. Time to move on.
Wow, do I struggle with this. A lot.
And, yeah, guilt is a waste...but it is an easy trap. Beating self up for beating self up....ugh. Pointless.