Quora: Do narcissists compare their supply? Do they have favourites?

 The narcissist may have a favorite supply the way you have a favorite pair of shoes; and as you may know, one pair of shoes may be good for dressing up for a party while another pair of shoes is good for taking a hike in the woods; that’s about as much regard as you’ll get from a narcissist. What do they need in this moment, and who, among their broken toys, is the best to give it to them in this moment?

Of course, you’ll always be compared to others by the NPD, but this is mostly to keep you off-balance and in their control. In the early days, you’re the best one they’ve ever met. Nobody understands them the way you do, nobody has ever made them feel this way. You are so amazing.

It’s hard to be on guard against the kind of praise and appreciation they lavish upon a new target. But eventually that will fade and you’re just like their wretched ex, who always hurt them terribly, who never understood them, who never treated them with the respect they deserved, bla bla bla. And maybe you’ll be treated to a nice game of “Why can’t you be more like—-” your brother or sister, who always treats the NPD the right way, or why can’t you be more like their new source of supply, who is much smarter than you are and understands the NPD’s needs right away?

These comparisons are just a mind game to make you step up your efforts to please the NPD and make yourself a better tool for their use. If you are able to detach enough to see the game in it’s full scope, you will notice that nothing you do is ever good enough, and they will always keep you scrambling to keep providing better and more gifts, attention, etc. for less and less praise and reward.

Move along from this game; they don’t need you and they won’t miss you. There’s always another sucker waiting in the wings to give the NPD exactly what they want and need, for a little while, anyway. And then they’re on to the next one with no more thought or feeling than you’d give to a used tissue or a worn out pair of shoes.

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Quora: Why are narcissists unchangeable if they're adult children mentally?

 I believe that we are all capable of change. However, often with humans, change must come from suffering rather than a simple desire to do something differently. If behaving in a certain way has always gotten someone exactly what they wanted, where is the motivation to change? Something has to hurt first.

Secondly, more importantly, the suffering or pain that is felt must be internalized and realized as a consequence of the person’s own behavior.

As Dianne Kauffman said, they don’t believe they have any flaws. To put it another way: they don’t believe anything that has gone wrong in their lives is their fault. Other people weren’t good enough to them, other people failed to give them what they needed, other people did something bad to them. They are rarely willing to see their own role in their own problems.

IF they can achieve a breakthrough from the childish mindset and see that their behavior had an unwanted consequence, then they must be willing to change. How many people are unwilling to change? Even for neurotypical people, change is difficult.

And finally, mental health resources, especially in the US, are scarce and expensive. It seems that most doctors would rather give you a pill and send you on your way, but this is not the way to heal a narcissist. The process of healing almost involves reparenting the adult narcissist who is stuck in a childish state of development, and as we all know, bratty children aren’t likely to stay in a situation where there is an authority figure holding them accountable. And self work is often long and boring work, as consistency = boredom, which is another thing that narcissists cannot stand for long. They crave drama and excitement, and a normal life does not feel exciting enough. The will need a great deal of help to learn the difference between ‘drama’ and ‘passion’ and to feel safe being vulnerable and human, learning to make authentic connection to others.

So, to recap:

1. the person must be suffering or in pain. Or, they have to reach a point in life where their behavior is no longer getting them what they want.*
2. They must realize that their behavior is a problem, that their own decisions have caused them to suffer, that they are the source of their own pain and suffering
3. they must be willing to change
4. they must find help and work consistently for a long time in order to change

It’s not impossible, but it’s difficult and expensive and time consuming, and, if the narcissist has even one enabler or one source of supply, they would rather just keep doing what they’ve always done, for as long as it works for them.

*  I find that aging can bring on a crisis, as many narcissists get away with poor behavior because they are beautiful or sexy, and with age, they are no longer able to manipulate people with their looks or overly sexual behavior. At this point, many NPDs of my acquaintance may either begin to dress and act in more youthful and inappropriate ways (wearing their teenage children’s clothes, seducing their teenage children’s friends, etc.) or they may start to develop mystery illnesses in order to keep people’s attention and keep drama in their lives. I even know of one NPD female who kept her husband in control with regular suicide threats & false attempts, until one attention-seeking suicide attempt was finally (inadvertently, I think) successful.

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Editing to add:  Posts tagged 'quora' were originally my answers to peoples' questions on quora.com.  They were monetized but I am giving them away for free here. 

If you feel inclined to support my writing, here's my paypal 

And if you prefer to pay it forward, I recommend Safe Place as an excellent place to support.