evile | Quora: Why are narcissists unchangeable if they're adult children mentally?

I believe that we are all capable of change. However, often with humans, change must come from suffering rather than a simple desire to do something differently. If behaving in a certain way has always gotten someone exactly what they wanted, where is the motivation to change? Something has to hurt first.

Secondly, more importantly, the suffering or pain that is felt must be internalized and realized as a consequence of the person’s own behavior.

As Dianne Kauffman said, they don’t believe they have any flaws. To put it another way: they don’t believe anything that has gone wrong in their lives is their fault. Other people weren’t good enough to them, other people failed to give them what they needed, other people did something bad to them. They are rarely willing to see their own role in their own problems.

IF they can achieve a breakthrough from the childish mindset and see that their behavior had an unwanted consequence, then they must be willing to change. How many people are unwilling to change? Even for neurotypical people, change is difficult.

And finally, mental health resources, especially in the US, are scarce and expensive. It seems that most doctors would rather give you a pill and send you on your way, but this is not the way to heal a narcissist. The process of healing almost involves reparenting the adult narcissist who is stuck in a childish state of development, and as we all know, bratty children aren’t likely to stay in a situation where there is an authority figure holding them accountable. And self work is often long and boring work, as consistency = boredom, which is another thing that narcissists cannot stand for long. They crave drama and excitement, and a normal life does not feel exciting enough. The will need a great deal of help to learn the difference between ‘drama’ and ‘passion’ and to feel safe being vulnerable and human, learning to make authentic connection to others.

So, to recap:

the person must be suffering or in pain. Or, they have to reach a point in life where their behavior is no longer getting them what they want.*
They must realize that their behavior is a problem, that their own decisions have caused them to suffer, that they are the source of their own pain and suffering
they must be willing to change
they must find help and work consistently for a long time in order to change

It’s not impossible, but it’s difficult and expensive and time consuming, and, if the narcissist has even one enabler or one source of supply, they would rather just keep doing what they’ve always done, for as long as it works for them.

* I find that aging can bring on a crisis, as many narcissists get away with poor behavior because they are beautiful or sexy, and with age, they are no longer able to manipulate people with their looks or overly sexual behavior. At this point, many NPDs of my acquaintance may either begin to dress and act in more youthful and inappropriate ways (wearing their teenage children’s clothes, seducing their teenage children’s friends, etc.) or they may start to develop mystery illnesses in order to keep people’s attention and keep drama in their lives. I even know of one NPD female who kept her husband in control with regular suicide threats & false attempts, until one attention-seeking suicide attempt was finally (inadvertently, I think) successful.

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