evile | 2796from the horses mouth...

Jan. 6, 2005

Onyxlynxx (onyxlynxx) wrote,
@ 2005-01-06 10:28:00

Current mood: sick
Current music: Think of Me from Phantom

I feel like a selfish bitch.

I just broke up with someone who is suicidal because I can't handle
dealing with the situation.

This goes against everything that I believe in. It is contrary to
every behavior that I consider acceptable.

How can I kick someone when they are already so down?

How do you leave someone when they are in need?

How is taking care of myself enough justification for that kind of
behavior?

How can anything justify that kind of behavior?

The majority of my life has revolved around pleasing other people. I
like taking care of others. That role has become an integral part of
my character. Thinking about what others want and need has given my
life direction.

I just told someone that I love that I can't date him anymore. I
can't trust him to keep his word. In fact, I can't even trust him not
to die.

I am terrified that if I don't get some emotional distance that
roninjedi's death might destroy me. He has already told me that I would
just have to get over it. I want to be able to believe that my
feelings should matter to the people who love me.

If these are good choices made for self-preservation, why do I feel
so miserable?

I don't know who I am anymore. I am not even sure who I am becoming
but I don't think that I like her very much. She seems awfully self-
centered and cold.

How can I learn to live a life that is entirely based on me and what
I want?

roninjedi says that he doesn't see my flaws. I don't see how that can
be. It is not like I have tried to hide them. He says that he still
has me on a pedestal. What is he thinking for fuck's sake?

=====================================================

skye_ds
2005-01-06 17:46 (link)
*hugs, nuzzles and sugars*

I don't know roninjedi at all, outside of LJ. I think I know *you* well
enough to make educated guesses about you. My beliefs (as a strega)
with regard to what I know of the situation are these:

* Do not purposely cause harm to another, unless it is to prevent
true harm to yourself or another.

* Strive to be compassionate to others, and to be aware of the hearts
and minds of those around you.

* Be true to your own understanding and turn away from those things
which oppose the good in you or are harmful to you.

* Concerning Love ~ Love is the gift of the Spirit's blessings. It is
the emanation of Spirit within. Love is the Great Attainment. Receive
love when it is offered, and offer love regardless. Yet do not allow
the duality of love to cause you despair. For love can lift up your
heart and it can likewise drag it down. Accept love in the manner in
which it comes to you. Do not possess it, or attempt to control it or
shape it. For love is free, and shall come or go in its manner.

I believe these to be good sayings:

* No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make
you cry.

* Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to,
doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

I believe wholeheartedly that you would never cause true harm other
than to prevent true harm to yourself, and in this particular
instance, to roninjedi. I witness you striving to be compassionate and
aware of hearts and minds around you, every day. I see you trying to
be true to your own understanding, nurture what's good in you, and
oppose what's bad in you, every day. In addition, I see you
constantly trying to enlighten your own understanding. From what I've
seen here, you've loved roninjedi as best as you knew how, with all
that you had.

That because you do truly love roninjedi, your heart is being dragged
down into the depths of despair is obvious, even to me. You have
accepted love in the manner in which it came to you; you have not
attempted to possess it, control it or shape it. Rather than demand
that he change, you have made changes to yourself that were hurtful
albeit necessary.

Besides, I am renown for being a selfish bitch. Selfish bitches do
not feel despair or remorse, that's why they're selfish bitches.

Blessings light and dark ~ me