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*whistles innocently* If you think I'm talking about you...
Hell, I probably am.
http://tinyurl.com/nsjbg6
I've also seen the opposite of #4, where "Miss Pro V" will start the relationship telling you that her ex was a monster, treating you like her savior, saying that she's never felt so trusting and so close and so loved before meeting you, then as the shiny wears off, or she doesn't get her way or you dare to disagree, suddenly you are 'just like' her awful abusive ex.
http://tinyurl.com/nsjbg6
I've also seen the opposite of #4, where "Miss Pro V" will start the relationship telling you that her ex was a monster, treating you like her savior, saying that she's never felt so trusting and so close and so loved before meeting you, then as the shiny wears off, or she doesn't get her way or you dare to disagree, suddenly you are 'just like' her awful abusive ex.
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Consider:
-It's all the "professional victim's" fault
-The professional victim is pathologized. Clearly she is sick, and the appropriate response to finding out someone has a mental health problem is to declare them a bad person and run away. Because clearly having any of those problems makes you inhuman, always wrong and a monster.
-It's completely black and white.
I really don't recommend articles like that to anyone who is trying to heal and be a better person. They just encourage more black and white thinking. I'm really surprised someone gave her a PsyD.
You might be right.
Personally, I’m not looking to demonize anyone. We all have our wounds/scars/baggage from the past. I think most of us would genuinely like to overcome our shortcomings, heal ourselves, and become better people. But somewhere along the line, I think a lot of folks get stuck. It’s like “aha! So THAT thing that happened to me explains why I do this now!” and then they stall out there, in the ‘why’, in the ‘blame’ phase or in the ‘navel gazing’ phase.
IMHO, It’s not enough to understand ‘why’. It’s not enough to know and understand yourself. You have to keep going, keep working, and modify yourself in the here and now into healthier ways of thinking, behaving, communicating, and relating to others. You can’t behave badly and then explain ‘why’ and expect your bad behavior to be accepted and excused. It’s irresponsible. It’s lazy. It’s professional victimhood. It victimizes others. It creates toxic relationships.
Something bad happened to you in the past. Something bad happened to me in the past. We’ve ALL had bad things happen. When we let those things warp us into stunted, incomplete adult humans, the bad guys win (or we become the bad guy).
As far as mental illness goes, I would hazard a guess that most people are not intellectually or emotionally equipped to be in a relationship with someone outside a certain degree of ‘normalcy’—what is labeled ‘mentally ill’…especially if that mentally ill person is not working on their problem, not taking their meds, or not willing or able to communicate with the people around them about their illness and what they may need in order to stay functional or stay in touch with reality. (For instance, I have a tendency to dissociate and lose memory in stressful situations. Which is why journaling as soon as possible after an event helps, also asking other people what they saw or heard in that situation, emailing the person I just had the intense talk with to sum up what I understand from the discussion and if it’s what THEY understand from the discussion, etc. I like to keep a ‘paper trail’ and keep people around me who I can trust to be objective and give reality checks as needed. I don’t WANT to mis-remember things, or not-remember them, but I’m aware of that problem and I do what I can to work around it to keep myself functional and honest.)
One of our very close friends is struggling with a biochemical depression problem; I would never say that she is not worth having a relationship with, or that she is evil because she’s sick. But just as you might not swap spit with someone if you knew they had an immune deficiency and your germs could make them sick, we try to be very cautious with emotional intimacy. Being with a sick person takes a little more work and effort than being with a well person. It doesn’t make anyone bad or evil or wrong, it just means everyone has to proceed with cautious awareness and try not to get in over their head. It’s one thing to be loving, accepting, and supportive of someone struggling with inner demons, but it can very quickly devolve into a lopsided relationship of care-giving, enabling, or acting as parent or counselor instead of an intimate equal.
I think this article is aimed at those who have lost the balance and are being hurt in a relationship. I also think it’s useful as a reality check for dealing with someone who is claiming an experience with a person or group that is so far removed from ones own experience that it’s hard to know what’s really going on. I don’t want to dismiss someone’s bad experience, but I want to say that they are not 100% in possession of the truth, either. Their feelings can’t be argued with; they are valid. If someone feels victimized and dismissed by a group of people, that’s how someone feels. But did the group victimize and dismiss the person? Maybe not.
Re: You might be right.
and in some exchanges, both people walk away wounded, each feeling victimized, raw, and hurting from the experience, each wanting to put themselves in the role of 'victim'...and neither is really right to do so. Most relationships aren't that clear cut....well meaning people hurt one another. We can do our best to be sensitive and kind and communicative and still fuck it up completely.
Relationships take risk; it's hard to be vulnerable, it's easy to get hurt, and it's easy to blame someone else for the pain. We all have to try and be responsible for our part and for ourselves. It's a copout, it's weak, and it's cruel to refuse to take responsibility for our experiences.