Innocence by association.....

[evile]

I'm seeing a tendency, in myself,and others, to exonerate a person for their bad behavior, poor choices, and general nasty lying, simply because they're spending time with someone who is evil, and presumably under the influence of that evil person.

But...at what point do you say "Look, Joe chose to stay with his lying, cheating, abusive spouse and chose to call me a bunch of ugly names when I pointed out the fact that she's a lying, cheating, abuser. HE called me the names. SHE didn't."

Sure, it's EASIER for Joe to take an agressive stance against people who speak and act against his abuser, and heck, it probably earns him brownie points or perhaps even a brief reprieve from his abuser. But that doesn't mean he doesn't have a choice.

It's sadder when I see kids being encouraged to be dishonest by one or the other (or both) of their parents...but at some point, didn't the kid learn something, somewhere, about telling the truth and being honest? At some point, doesn't the kid have a choice as to whether or not to lie? So, at some point, it's time to stop blaming the parent and hold the kid accountable, show them the consequences of their behavior.

It's sad that maybe they weren't raised right, but the world at large isn't going to excuse or forgive them so the sooner they learn that, the better off they'll be in the long run.

This isn't really about spreading 'blame'...it's about holding people responsible for their choices in life and not shielding them from consequences because they 'can't help' who their parents are or 'can't help' who they're married to. Well...yes, and no.

Comments

[interactiveleaf.livejournal.com]

Children generally do what they can get away with. They're looking for boundaries and consequences, and the more those are NOT set/enforced, the more they will lie or act out.

That's what I remember of being a child, anyway.

[bramblekite.livejournal.com]

I wonder if that's the way it is in most/all relationships? We've always got that kid in us, pushing to see how much we can get away with, how much we're loved....

[made-of-paradox.livejournal.com]

Thing is, people can "help" who they're married to a lot more than they can "help" what parents they got stuck with.

(This is the only point on which I'm disagreeing with you right now.)

Some people can overcome the crappy parenting they get, for others, it's harder. But

It's sad that maybe they weren't raised right, but the world at large isn't going to excuse or forgive them so the sooner they learn that, the better off they'll be in the long run.

is absolutely true.

[bramblekite.livejournal.com]

Nope, you can't help who you're born to. I didn't really mean to imply otherwise.

I just think, at some point, it becomes a copout to decide that a child isn't accountable for lying (or other poor behavior) because the parent put the kid up to it, or encouraged it, or turned a blind eye to it, or whatever.

But, then again, I've met adults who pass off lying, cheating, procrastinating, drinking, drugging, etc. on their own bad parents, poor upbringing, bla bla.

Sorry...but at some point your decisions become YOUR responsibility, and you need to realize that, sure, your environment and the people you're with make some behaviors easier than others, but at the end of the day, you are the one who did the thing, said the words, whatever.

I dunno. I'm frustrated with a couple of situations right now & just trying to sort them out in my head.

[made-of-paradox.livejournal.com]

A 5-year-old with crappy parents can't be expected to take responsibility.

A 13-year-old with crappy parents can't be expected to take much in the way of responsibility, but might start seeing how it could be a good idea to do so.

A 30-year-old who had crappy parents who is still refusing to take any responsibility -- yeah, that's not gonna fly.

Where, between 13 and 30, do you draw the line? At what age should your peers start administering clue-by-fours or cluebricks? At what age should your peers be wielding those with knock-out force?