617I kiss off thewordnerd!

[evile]

Oct. 4, 2005

 

 

thewordnerd wrote,
@ 2005-10-03 18:49:00
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Current mood: good

An open letter to folks who don't like me . . .
This is going to seem like total drama-whoring. All I can say is that
if you genuinely think that it is, then you don't know me or the type
of person that I am at all. :)

Anyone who has read me for any amount of time knows that this journal
has, quite often, been at the receiving end of some pretty raw
emotions. What can I say? Historically I've not had a good support
network, and this happened to be where I'd hash things out, for better
or worse. This is starting to change, and the trend of more emotional
posts is dropping off markably, with various frustrations either
lessening to more managable levels or being handled individually, but
I can't promise that this will always be the case.

It's come to my attention recently that someone whom I've considered
to be a friend, someone who maintains a pretence of civilness and
friendship toward me, may be making some unflattering/insulting
comments about me behind my back to other mutual friends, the gist of
which are that I'm a "big baby," and that some of my friends really
aren't friends (the irony of someone seeming insulting then
questioning others' friendships amuses me. :) This all is second-hand,
so I'm not going to act on it in any way other than being somewhat
more careful with the person in question. And, truth be told, I don't
much care what this person (or many others, for that matter) thinks of
me. I used to be the kind of person that everyone liked . . . but
everyone likes water, because it's bland and flavorless. Not everyone
likes Shiner Bock, or Lone Star, or <insert favorite beer here>,
though there are certainly folks who are passionate about each (though
I worry for anyone who is passionate about Lone Star. :) I could get
hung up and upset about the fact that this person (and, quite
possibly, others) don't like me or are making disparaging comments
about me to others, or I could simply say "Well, you don't like me.
Lots of others do, so I won't waste the time and effort on you."

So here's an offer. If you don't like me, feel free to unfriend me. If
you regularly read my writings and find yourself thinking "Geez, that
thewordnerd is such a baby, or a whiner,, or so immature," or anything else
negative, then I won't take it personally if you stop reading
entirely. But this journal is for me, and I'd rather not have anything
to do with people who don't like me, or think I'm whiny, or whatever.
And that isn't whining. :) It's just a simple statement of who I am
and want to be. I'm focusing my time and energy these days on becoming
a better person, and a big part of that is surrounding myself with
cool people who can read that I'm lonely on a Saturday night and are
willing to understand why, or can read my rather caustic rants about a
work situation and understand the frustrations of discrimination . . .
or, more importantly, can read the things I write and understand that
they're often written precisely because I don't have folks to call up
for distractions or can't just call someone up if I need company
(though, again, this is changing and is less of an issue.) If you're
the type of person who's going to other friends and being disparaging
then I'd rather not have you reading these things about me. While LJ
"friendship" may be a rather poor name for the concept, those who are
on my friendslist are there because I care about them in some form.
Either I care about you because I value you as an RL friend, or I
enjoy reading the things that you write, or like keeping up with your
lives, but I don't namecall or disparage anyone on my list. If I did
then I'd simply take you off first, because if I don't care about you
then I certainly wouldn't want to read the things you wrote.

And, no. I'm not going to cut people for not commenting, not having
spoken to me lately, or anything silly like that. :) While I do admit
to skipping the occasional entry when I'm behind, I do read everything
that crosses my friendslist, even if I don't comment as much as I
should. I'm also not going to argue about this post's content, enter
into any tangential discussions on vaguely-related issues, or anything
of the sort. I guess it's sorta reverse friendslist cleaning. If you
don't like me, would rather jump to quick pop psychology/culture
conclusions than actually try to understand, find that most of your
interactions with me are to snark or insult, etc. then I'd rather lose
an LJ friend than continue in an LJ "friendship," writing things that
you simply rant about behind my back.

Anyway, as I've said, I'm not upset or anything, and I'm actually
interpreting the fact that some don't like me as a good sign, as an
indication that I'm becoming more like the person I want to be and
some don't like that person. :) If that turns some off, though, then
I'd rather be up-front and civil about it instead of sneaky, insulting
and potentially hurtful.


==============================
quite honestly
bramblekite
2005-10-03 21:03
I would question the motives of a 'friend' who was telling you that
another 'friend' was talking shit about you....what exactly did that
friend have to accomplish by causing you to be suspicious and start
guarding your words in what should be the company of people you like
and trust? That kind of tattling bullshit is pure highschool drama
shit-stirring, and people who do it are not true friends, IMHO.

Honestly, I don't think there's any of my friends that I blow sunshine
up their butts 24/7 and always think they're wonderful people.
Sometimes my friends annoy me and I need to bitch about it to someone
I hope I can trust to keep my confidence, and not take it personally
or go telling our mutual friend that I don't like them. Because
obviously, I DO, or I would not listen to their whiney crap endlessly
if I didn't care and want to be there for them in some way. And, yes,
they do the same for me!

So...yeah, there may be times that I got tired of seeing you talking
about the same ol' stuff, and I'm sure there's times you get tired of
seeing me whine about my same ol' stuff in LJ, and that's acceptable.
You are more than welcome to complain to mutual friends "That E sure
is in a rut! I wish she'd quit whining about her damn job and just DO
something already! She's driving me crazy!"

Which does NOT mean I would find it acceptable for the person you
vented at to come tattling to me and telling me "thewordnerd is talking shit
about you!"

Does that make any sense?

=================================
(Reply to this)(Thread)
Re: quite honestly
[info]thewordnerd
2005-10-04 05:05 (link)
Thanks for saying this. I don't necessarily agree with lots of what
you've said, but would like to add a couple points for clarification.

1. Information in and of itself isn't dramatic, and as you've written,
this seems "drama shit-stirring" . . . but we all bear responsibility
for not letting ourselves be stirred, As I've tried to convey above. I
acknowledge that this information is second-hand, so I will not allow
myself to be caught up in independent speculations on its specifics,
and if discussion ensues, I'll either keep it on a civil and
constructive level, or I'll simply choose to walk away. It will not
progress beyond that with me, however, and I appreciate having been
given the information. Information is not dramatic. How one reacts
when given that information is.

2. What I read described in this comment is disagreement. There is a
marked difference between saying "I wish he would stop whining about
his job," and "He's such a fucking baby and needs to shut up already!"
The first is a simple statement of disagreement, which I'm fine with.
The second carries insult and negativity alongside the disagreement,
and if others find themselves expressing their disagreements with me
in this negative, insulting style, well, I don't want that in my life.
It's a bit like inviting someone into your house, offering them
hospitality only to learn that they've gone away complaining to others
about what a bad person you are, which I'm not fine with, as opposed
to someone walking away and simply saying "Wow, I don't like the
psychedelic green paint on those walls," with which I have no problem.
While it is important to react levelly and sanely to any given piece
of information, we do bear a responsibility to ourselves to decide
what we are willing to take from others, and what we clearly are not.
Disagreement I can take. Negativity and insult I will not.

So I was given a piece of information that may or may not be true or
entirely accurate. Given that information, I'm choosing to make a
statement about what I do and do not want in my life and, rather than
assuming that it is accurate and acting upon it, I'm placing whether
or not to do so in the hands of those who may or may not feel this
way. I'll have a civil discussion about the actual problems themselves
should it arise, but if it does not then this will be the extent of
action taken.

========================================

(Reply to this)(Parent) (Thread)
Re: quite honestly
[info]bramblekite
2005-10-04 07:47 (link) Delete
You say you don't want drama?

Then allow me to respectfully suggest that instead of taking the word
of friends of questionable motives re: words and actions of other
friends, and posting in LJ about dumping non-specific persons from
your life, that you approach friend who is supposedly calling you
names and badmouthing you DIRECTLY and ask them what's going on.

Just a thought.

=================================

(Reply to this)(Parent) (Thread)
Re: quite honestly
[info]thewordnerd
2005-10-04 18:27 (link)
I think I've written before about how I might post things here from
time to time and not want advice. This is one such time. Why am I now
getting advice when I've asked in the past that others be more careful
about that tendency?

Also, there is much more to this situation that I haven't written
about here, much of which originates from my own experiences and
thoughts on the matter. Suffice it to say that at no point did I claim
to be "dumping" people from my life, especially only on the word of
one person. I didn't include all of the details here because they're
not anyone else's business, and as I was specifically not seeking
advice or approval, I felt no need to include my own experiences,
thoughts and reservations on the subject, thus making what was a
rather simple and well-written post more complicated by adding
superfluous details. I'm also somewhat insulted that my actions were
cast in a much worse light, especially as no effort was made to
clarify the details of the specific situation. I have more sense than
to hear one random comment from a friend and casually "dump" someone
from my life, and nothing in the above post, other than the readers'
own thoughts, says that this is the case. If such assumptions are made
then it is the responsibility of the one making them to be certain
about them before giving well-meaning advice that presupposes a rather
insultingly-low maturity.

I'm sorry for the hostile tone of this, but the tone of the original
wasn't very civil to begin with, and this kind of stuff annoys me,
especially as I worked to be very respectful throughout my own post
and comments, and this type of heavy-handed "I'm going to give you
advice even though you didn't request it, and do so in a way that
tells you what to do instead of asks for clarification" thing really
doesn't sit well with me, especially when it happens in my own
journal, where I should feel comfortable expressing myself and
especially when several have told me privately that this expression
seemed rather reasonable and non-drama-seeking. I'm not receptive to
any more advice on this particular situation, and would rather the
discussion end here and now. It was a simple post expressing a simple
sentiment, and I don't appreciate the complications being introduced.

==========================================
(Reply to this)(Parent) (Thread)
Re: quite honestly
[info]bramblekite
2005-10-04 20:58 (link) Delete
well, you haven't really wanted to hang with me since I expressed a
desire not to be your guide dog...so, bye.