hm.

[evile]

following a link from a friend-of-friend's LJ, I am led once again to The Usual Error. here's an exerpt:


“I’m just saying” is another poison dart. You can make any sort of inflammatory or insulting comment, but as long as you repeatedly say, “I’m just saying,” it is difficult to socially justify calling you on your rudeness or meanness. “I’m just saying” is often accompanied by a defensive gesture of palms facing outward, nonverbally reinforcing the message of “Don’t blame me! I said something, but I just said it, so that means I don’t have to take any responsibility for it!” Being socially acceptable doesn’t make it right or good to verbally hurt others.

Read More.

Comments

[made-of-paradox.livejournal.com]

In some of my 'net circles, though, "in my opinion" (usually abbreviated "IMO") is a way of saying, "This is what I think, this is where I'm coming from, and you don't have to agree with me."

Sure beats the hell out of the "You shouldn't" that took one of those forums halfway to hell in a matter of hours....

[bramblekite.livejournal.com]

The very brief time I was in therapy, I learned the phrase "stop 'should'ing on yourself" [and, yes, it's meant to sound like 'stop shitting on yourself']

which I have tried hard to do. the word 'should' is ...very controlling, shaming and guilt inducing. You should do this, you should do that, you should know better, they should do such-and-such without having to be asked, bla bla. It's all very...judgemental and harmful.

I try to replace 'should' with 'would like'. Turning a sentence like "I should exercise tonight," into "I would like to exercise tonight," and that takes the judgment and guilt tripping OUT of it, and reinforces the idea that this is something I WANT to do, not something I am MAKING myself do from a sense of fear, obligation, guilt, or negative-self-judgement.

[made-of-paradox.livejournal.com]

"Shoulding" doesn't go over well there. "In that situation, I would" goes over a lot better. Telling someone else how to live their life tends to get hackles up, in general, and "you should" is about as far into it as anyone takes it there. (And then people react badly. Go figure.)

[made-of-paradox.livejournal.com]

A lot of what I do is based on, "Well, if I don't do this now, it's going to have very unpleasant consequences with me later. And I may be able to look at a clock or calendar and see exactly when that will be!" But I have the choice to hand shit to my future self, and generally choose not to. Generally. At least in some areas of my life. And knowing that my future self isn't going to be handed shit from that particular day, anyway, makes for some reasonable motivation a good chunk of the time.