evile | (no subject)

2759chrisloy's LJ post

Dec. 23, 2004

(& I note that she is no longer 'friend of' sineater or skye_ds. hm.)

Sparkling (chrisloy) wrote,
@ 2004-12-23 11:13:00

Current mood: restless

I hate losing everything I wrote because my hands rested on my
keyboard the wrong way. Well, mayeb it is a sign I should not be
writing about that. It was a bit personal anyway. I do have 2 other
issues I need to wor through though and writing them out does tend to
help, so here goes.
1) A while back I lost two of my best friends about a week or so
apart. Each of them individually decided that he/she did not need to
be my friend and let me know this in no uncertain terms. Now these
folks are each other's friends loosely but I do not think that either
of them were really talking to each other at the time nor were either
really in a state to focus much beyond his/her own life situation at
the time, so I do not believe this was an organized effort. Each was
in a very difficult place in his/her own life dealing with
depressing/stressful situations. I also believe, though I have no
solid proof of this in on eof the cases, that his/her significant
other for some reason was jealous or resentful of me. For the
difficulties that each was facing everyday at home, it was better for
each of them to remove me from their lives so that they could deal
better with their own lives. I understand that in my head and
eventually I came to understand that in my heart but when it first
happened (especailly since the two occurred so close together) I felt
like I must be a "bad person" and kept wondering what I "did wrong"
that all my friends hated me. If these had just been regular friends
it probably wouldn't have hit so hard but at the time, to me, these
two were seperately the best friends I had in the world. Each of them
had also pushed me away in rather hurtful manners. A great depression
spread over me and I reached out to a relatively new friend at the
time to try and figure it all out and also to help re-build some of
my self confidence. A good amount fo time has now passed and each of
those individuals that used to be my best friends has, in his/her own
way, come as close to apologizing as possible for them. One of them I
regained the old friendship and it has blossomed into something new
and much deeper. At this point I would trust her with my life. The
other one unfortunately has moved to another city and not spoken much
directly to me since the event occurred. I wuld like to be his friend
again but it feels like we have lost something precious that will
never be recovered. Looking back at both of those situations, I know
I am not a "bad person" and that I didn't do anything "wrong" but
rather each of them had his/her own life that was putting them in a
horrid mindset and causing them to push away those who cared about
them most. All that being said, lthe friend to whom I turned for help
during that time frame is now not in such a good situation himself.
Lasrt night he called and woke me up. We used to have some nice
really long talks but that was a good while back and I had ask dhim
to call me again because he seemed to be in need of a friend and
someone to talk to. Well, apparently he thinks he has reached the
point in his life that having me involved is hurting and not helping.
Last night I lost another friend. It hurt. Not as badly as when I
lost both of my best friends within a week of each other and this
time I know in my head taht I have not done anything to cause this,
but it still hurt a bitand I still had twinges of "What did I do
wrong/I am a bad person". The fact that I was only barely lucid when
he called and my hubby needed me in the other room at the same time
pulled me out of the conversation and I think spared me a bit of
emotional drain. I really care about this guy but it has been a long
time since we talked and he is not willing to accept me at the
moment. I pray that eventually he will find the peace he needs. In
the meantime I need to stop letting other people make me feel like
less.
2) Speaking of which, one of the reactions I had last night and one
thing that I do when I am afraid of being hurt is to turn icy. Guilt
trips and pity trips I just do not tolerate anymore. I know they hurt
me and refuse to feel bad about or for anyone who would use those
tactics to try and manipulate me. Even when I probably should feel
bad if someone is trying to MAKE me feel bad I just get icy.
When I am upset the choices are cry or turn icy. I haven't actually
gotten angry in years. Which is a good thing for both myself and the
rest of the world on the whole, but it leaves a lack of expression
iin me that often frustrates others when they are trying to solicit
the emotion from me.

Well, now that I am done exploring aspects of myself. I have a tons
to get done today. Thankfully my new company gives nice holidays to
its employees.

Also I'm trying to plan a bit for New Years, not sure where we will
be or what we will be doing though. I had hoped to throw a party but
the odds of that happening are shrinking quickly.