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Characteristics of a Toxic Relationship

(And what to do if you find yourself in one)

At some point in your life you will be faced with a toxic relationship. So let's take a look at the characteristics of a toxic relationship and what you can do about it when you find yourself embroiled in the mess of one.

The Types of Behaviors You Can Expect When a Relationship is Toxic

Gossiping and snide remarks about you and other people in your circle
Fault finding and criticism is the name of the game - everything from the way you clean your office, to your dental hygiene, to your size, your friends, how much time you spend on things
Your thoughts and opinions are discounted
Over-demanding - nothing you do is good enough
Subtle jabs and put downs - you often don't realize you've been put down until you start feeling bad
Unreliablity
Jealousy
Neediness - it's all about them - they don't take any time to talk about you
Gossiping
Fun made of your ideas, especially in front of others
Blames you for all their problems, rather than taking responsibility for their own choices
Complains about their life and dumping their frustrations on you

Some of the Feelings You Could Have When The Relationship is Toxic

Unsupported
Unaccepted
Unrewarded
Stifled
Shame
Dis-satisfied
Unequal
Exasperated
Depleted
Drained
Fearful
Judged and inadequate
Guilt
Tired
Angry
Untrusting - for example if they are gossiping about others, what will they be saying about you when you aren't around?
Stressed

If you allow them, toxic people can be like vampires - draining your energy - mentally, emotionally, financially. When you are with them your mood turns sour and you simply don't feel good. To sum it up after you've been with a toxic person you feel the need to shower yourself in some positivity.

Whilst the characteristics of a toxic relationship are easy to define it can be useful to understand what is at the core of most toxic relationships. Low Self-Esteem!

Generally toxic people are filled with fears: afraid that they aren't good enough, of losing control, of exposing their inner desires and wants. Often they have been victims of toxic relationships themselves.

When people don't feel good about themselves they view other people's successes as a poor reflection upon themselves. They resent other people getting ahead.

So, when another person is putting 'pressure' on them to lift their game (simply by performing at a higher level) the toxic person will search for a way to take the pressure off themself. More often than not, they take this pressure off by belittling other peoples, dreams, successes, wins and goals.

Your sense of self-worth and your capability greatly diminish if you are around a toxic person for too long. It is imperative that you take steps to ensure you stop the harm of people who are poisonous to you.

Ways Out of a Toxic Relationship

Your life will be unpleasant when you are around toxic people and you are the only one who can do anything about it. Here's a couple of tips on how to improve the quality of your life by neutralizing the impact of toxic relationships:

Make a list of the Positive Aspects of the person. This technique helps you to shift your focus. If all you only focus on their negative aspects, then they will be like this whenever they are around you.

Get perspective by working with a neutral person, who has no agenda about you and the relationship with the other person - maybe a counsellor, a coach, a neighbor or a co-worker. The key here is that this isn't about creating for yourself a pity party, and/or looking to dump on the other person. This is about asking the other person to help you focus on what is going on, the part you have played and what you are willing to do to move forward.

Take Responsibility. A part of you is allowing the behaviors to happen and continue to happen. Ask yourself why am I allowing this to happen? What could I be learning from this?

Set Boundaries. Let the other person know what they can and cannot do around you. If you have the skills, such as those from the Successful Conversations workshop, you will be able to describe quite specifically what the person is doing and what your expectations are for the future. (You can even do this with someone who seemingly is in the more powerful position e.g. a boss)

Keep Working On You and improving your mindset and emotional capability. The book Anatomy of Peace
is a terrific book to help you view situations like this from a very different and freeing perspective.

End the Relationship. If after trying all of the above and nothing changes then it is time you walked away from the relationship.

You may be thinking it's not that easy! I can't walk away from my job. However, if the relationship really is toxic and you have exhausted all avenues of moving it into something more healthy, then you need to ask yourself what do you value most - financial security or mental, emotional and spiritual health?

When you are 76 looking back on life do you think you will regret trading your soul for $? If so, then have the courage to move on and faith that something better will come to you.

Your life clock is ticking, only be around people who uplift you and make your life journey a wondrous one.

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