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Writer's Block: The long and winding road
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Regret is a funny thing. Some people can look into their past and say something like 'oh, why did I drop out of college?' or 'i never should have broken up with soandso'...and imho, that kind of regret is unhealthy and unproductive. You absolutely cannot change the past, you can't take back a stupid, unkind, thoughtless word or action. You cannot and should not torture yourself with 'woulda, coulda, and mighta been'...you have no idea how something may or may not have turned out if you had or had not made a certain choice, and you can definitely make yourself sick or crazy second guessing yourself.
I spoke with a young woman a week or so ago who refuses to revisit past actions and refuses to have regrets to the point of (imho) unhealthy denial, and refusing to learn or grow from past mistakes. Her past is all 'what those mean people did to me' and no personal accountability. Also pretty sick. Refusing to have regrets means you'll just keep making the same mistakes over and over again.
I think the happy medium to this would be in saying, 'ok, I can't go back to when I was 18 and un-drop out of college, but I can remember how I felt and what I did and know this regret and if a similar challenge comes up and I feel overwhelmed and want to quit, I can remember how bad quitting feels. I can try harder and stick with it and find resources and tutors and stay with the discomfort and fear of failure instead of chucking it all.'
Hindsight is always 20/20, you can always look back and say "THERE! That is the thing!" when it was completely unclear to you at the time. That's the nature of wisdom, learning from one's mistakes. But not endlessly blaming, beating up, and punishing yourself for doing or saying whatever it was. It may have sucked, it may have been stupid or thoughtless or selfish or even downright cruel, but you did it, and here are the consequences. Learn and grow. (And, as much as it fucking sucks, make NEW mistakes to regret. UGH!)
So...that's where I'm at with regret today. I'm sure there will be other days when I'm tearing myself up over something I can't go back in time and do better/different, but today is not that day.
Regret is a funny thing. Some people can look into their past and say something like 'oh, why did I drop out of college?' or 'i never should have broken up with soandso'...and imho, that kind of regret is unhealthy and unproductive. You absolutely cannot change the past, you can't take back a stupid, unkind, thoughtless word or action. You cannot and should not torture yourself with 'woulda, coulda, and mighta been'...you have no idea how something may or may not have turned out if you had or had not made a certain choice, and you can definitely make yourself sick or crazy second guessing yourself.
I spoke with a young woman a week or so ago who refuses to revisit past actions and refuses to have regrets to the point of (imho) unhealthy denial, and refusing to learn or grow from past mistakes. Her past is all 'what those mean people did to me' and no personal accountability. Also pretty sick. Refusing to have regrets means you'll just keep making the same mistakes over and over again.
I think the happy medium to this would be in saying, 'ok, I can't go back to when I was 18 and un-drop out of college, but I can remember how I felt and what I did and know this regret and if a similar challenge comes up and I feel overwhelmed and want to quit, I can remember how bad quitting feels. I can try harder and stick with it and find resources and tutors and stay with the discomfort and fear of failure instead of chucking it all.'
Hindsight is always 20/20, you can always look back and say "THERE! That is the thing!" when it was completely unclear to you at the time. That's the nature of wisdom, learning from one's mistakes. But not endlessly blaming, beating up, and punishing yourself for doing or saying whatever it was. It may have sucked, it may have been stupid or thoughtless or selfish or even downright cruel, but you did it, and here are the consequences. Learn and grow. (And, as much as it fucking sucks, make NEW mistakes to regret. UGH!)
So...that's where I'm at with regret today. I'm sure there will be other days when I'm tearing myself up over something I can't go back in time and do better/different, but today is not that day.