evile

Letter to Mom

2025-05-09T05:06:37Z

My brother A. gave me a folder full of stuff I guess he got from Mom, that she'd saved, for whatever reason. It's her handwriting on the folder, my name. I dunno why this particular collection of letters, artifacts, and photos, but here we are.

Anyhoo...here's a letter i wrote. It says "Sat. Aug 11" ..I believe it was 1990. After I'd dropped out of Tulane and was living in Austin and working at Bookstop and living in my little apartment behind Bookstop, the apartment complex called "the crossroads" or something? anyhoo...

Mom:
hello. I tried to register via phone for ACC yesterday but there's a "hold" on my record. Why does every damn bureaucrat in the world have to be down on me?!? So, the Admin. office was busy, then I had to go to work, and then it was closed on the weekend. So I have to get it cleared up Monday and register on the 17th. School starts the 27th, so coming down that week is out of the question, I guess. I'll keep you posted.

Mom, I'm so tired of just livin' and working.

I hate the new assistant manager. He's a self-righteous little dictator god/ "Boy King" - type. He reminds me of ass't. mgrs. from Taco Bell. Bookstops are NOT FAST FOOD!! But he maintains that manic "sense-of-urgency" thing, and it's so ludicrous. This is starting to wear on me. And he always calls the women that work here "Hon" and he calls me "Ewika" Like If I'm standing there, looking pissed off or just frowning 'cuz I've run out of shelf space, he comes over and pouts at me and says "Aww, what's wrong, Ewika?" in this childish little voice. the little prick.

So, ANYHOW, I'm also starting to get tired of the "poor-but-noble student" thing. I'm tired of responsibility. I don't want Electric bills, phone bills, Visa bills, Tulane bills. I don't want the steady job, I don't like it anymore. Instead of being a challenge, it's become a burden. Yeah, I can make it on my own, I get everything paid on time, but it just doesn't seem that great anymore. But I'm too proud + stubborn to depend on anyone else but me. So I'm stuck with it.

I decided (finally) that Savannah College would be great, and historic restoration would be the coolest job, a good balance of physical + mental challenges a neat way to be creative, rebuildling, redecorating old places. It would be so cool. But I have no way to pursue that idea.

So I'm stuck here with my old debts + my old responsibilities + my old job + all that shit. I'm sorry to be so negative, but I feel so fuckin' trapped!!

I am so fuckin' trapped.

It never ends, does it? As soon as I start making better $, I'll get bigger debts, won't I? School loans to car loans to home loans to home improvement loans to school loans again for the inevitable children I will some day inevitably have. Son of a bitch!!! I hate This!!!

Oh well, I'm stuck with it. Someday, hopefully all this Ambition will die + I'll be happy being a plodding farm animal, and never hope for anything else.

Sorry, this is really awful. I just needed to talk to somebody.

--Erika

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found this poem on the internetz

2024-06-25T16:20:59Z

it's not exact to my experience, of course, but evokes similar feels. (and this is reason #200074 why I did not have or want kids. And, yes, people can love you and still be damaged and harmful and toxic as fuck. "just because someone doesn't love you the way you want/ need to be loved doesn't mean they aren't loving you the best they can/ the only way they know how,"....and it fucking sucks. For everyone.

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Your Mother did not heal

her childhood wounds

She repeated the cycle

and inflicted the same pain she endured

She chose her comfort of toxicity,

her ego, her self righteousness.

Kept the "blood" family close

even if they hurt her daughter.

The saddest part is,

She would do it all over again

in the name of "we did our best".

- Divi Maggo

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evile @ 2024-06-17T11:43:00

2024-06-17T17:10:18Z

spent the weekend feeling bored and unhappy. did some laundry. made pancakes sunday morning that weren't rocks but weren't all that great. I've never been able to make a pancake.

Took the dogs to the dog park saturday evening. Took the dogs to Bull Creek Park Sunday. That was crowded and not entirely pleasant but I wanted to be out of the house.

I never feel like I am using my weekends/ free time wisely or well. There's always work to do and I never want to do it. But I never feel like I can be free to do anything 'fun' if there' work to do. and somehow zoning out with computer or phone doom scrolling is my only get out of jail free card I can use in the 'if you haven't done any work, you don't get any fun' conundrum. dissociating is a free space on the game board of 'bored/uhappy' I guess....

work is a steep learning curve and I got cut ouf of the main group of trainees due to my technical problems and haven't been let back in so it's just me and the trainer trading messages and i don't feel like I hear anything positive, only about my mistakes. Which is my own brain-weevil left over from 20+ years of abuse at the state. I should not be a baby about this and understand my place...it's a 1 year contract, they don't owe me anything other than a paycheck. I don't owe them anything other than 40 hours of sincere effort per week. my job is not who I am and how easily it comes to me, or doesn't, is not a measure of how good or bad I am as a human being. and, besides all that, if I was doing that badly, the company would just call my staffing agency and say 'this one is a dud, send us another,'.and that hasn't happened, so everything is OK no matter how much I think I am floundering.

I am not looking forward to the changes in my life that will come when my mom is moved to a facility here in town; I am not looking forward to adding that trip to her place daily to my routine. And my sister picked a location that isn't easy for my brother to get to on his bike, and I know he will want to see her daily. so I'll probably be giving him rides, and then just sitting there while he entertains her. Mom loves A and they have a similar sense of humor and get along well. I did not get along well with my mom when she was 100% all there, and I don't really know what to do or say with the person she has become. I am sad and angry that she has wanted to die for ...well, my entire life, but definitely the last 2 years, and that can't happen....the waste of resources to take care of someone who doesn't even want to be here is galling and inhumane, to my mind. which makes me feel guilty, like I"m just vulturing around for my stepdads' money which is absolutely not the thing of it AT ALL....just, I hate this for her. But her last suicide attempt that she made when she was in any mental state to make that kind of decision, didn't work, and here we all are.

I dreamed about Anthony Bourdain last night; there was a gathering of people, his ex mother in law was supervising me as I made some favorite pasta dish for everyone. I didn't have enough of the right kind of noodles. Once it was ready, some people took large plates and secnd while other people had not even taken a first serving.I took a small portion, just a couple of spoonfulls of pasta and sauce an some veg, trying to leave some for others... and then there was something about his daughter had an immune disorder and his ex wife was telling me about it and I was worried because the kid hadn 't gotten a plate or anything to eat when everyone else did... I dunno, it was stressful.

anyway.... life goes on whether we like it or not.

yesterday was tough. Father's day. I should not take my remaining father figure for granted, m y uncle B is my godfather, and he's done a really good job of being there for me. Probably better than my bio dad (he was likely avoidant/on the spectrum + my mom made it very difficult for him and me to connect)...and my mom said sharp/critical/mean spirited things to/about/around me and my stepdad bonding/talking, too....unplesant person she was. yup.

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Mothers day

2024-05-12T20:23:06Z

I don't really know what to say on Mother's Day. Never have, really.

I have a mother. And I don't.

Her body is here, her mind is locked away. She says alzheimers, but she recognizes people and can name them. She seems to have trouble forming her ideas into words. Mostly repeats the last words someone said, can reform sentences from "do you want ice cream" to "I want ice cream" or "do I want ice cream?" but doesn't volunteer information or say things independently. Mostly. When my stepdad died she got up on her own and walked to the nurse station to tell them. Asked the next day "is my husband still dead," and asked me"are you surprised?" sort of out of the clear blue when I was getting ready to drive back to TX after he passed. I knew she was asking if I was surprised that Greg passed before she did.

This new mom is soft and sweet. She's not the mom I grew up with. I don't have a lot of memories. Probably because a lot of things that happened were not good things. I do wish I remembered the good things better. I know there were many.

My mother and my father's mother have things in common that are/were unpleasant. Probably one of the reasons he picked her. She is/was also very beautiful.

No woman can live up to all of the demands society places on women; the judgements and pronouncements and shoulds of Motherhood. It's awful. There's no one right way to do it and so many wrong ways that face such condemnation from everyone. So much competition. Just listening to my ex friend X and her friend Goldrie one upping and shitting on each other in that special 'sweet' way that mothers/women have of shitting on each other with the bless your heart smile on their face. So frenemy. Much wow. So awful. So glad I never entered that particular contest. Being female has been so awful, even without that. Glad I am an old fat neuter now.

I don't really know what to say, or do, or feel, on a day that honors all of the impossible things people expect, society demands, of women who choose to have children. Or are/were compelled to have children under the laws of the time. Goddess help us. So many not suited to bear or raise children and do it anyway. I wish it wasn't so.

I hope whatever kind of day you're having, whoever is reading this , is peaceful and pleasant and uncomplicated. I hope the world gets better for women. I suspect it will not.

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Death is Near, Make Your Peace

2024-04-10T16:07:09Z

Tell people you love them, make whatever peace you need to make, before you die, before those near to you die. Before the time comes that it is too late. And you never know how early that time will be, for you or for anyone near to you.

I've noticed A Thing. The collapsing/aging narcissist (abuser) is past their prime, sick, no longer charming or pretty or capable of much quick wit, no longer capable of performing acrobatically perverted sexual acts that would make a goat vomit with disgust, many or most of their targets have them on no contact, grey rock, limited contact, and they are running out of supply. So they fall back once again to their 'poor pitiful me' act. "You only have one [mother, father, grandmother, bla bla] and I'll be gone soon, so wouldn't it be good to make peace, forgive, bla bla bla"......this of course doesn't mean that the narc abuser will acknowledge their harm, make amends, offer apologies, or improve their behavior. This means that they want you to come running to their deathbed with flowers and gifts and tears and apologies [you. apologize to them. for their abuse of you. yep that's cool, right?]

Adjacent to that is the "I know you don't talk to me about [problem/person/situation] but I have secret breadcrumbs of information I will scatter so that you will ask me about [problem/person/situation] and I can get you all stirred up and upset and irrational and feed on your feelings and use your upset feelings to show everyone that YOU are the problem person in our relationship,"

It is not a genuine wish for reconciliation, peace, or a real apology or extension of forgiveness. It is a manipulation, designed to pull people in for another bite, to make more drama, to get more narcissistic supply by stirring the pot, to set yourself up as some kind of noble soul for extending this olive branch and offering people you've fucked over to come and grovel for your love and forgiveness.

My mom did that to me when she learned that X was having some health issue. She ramped it up [either because of her imaginative nature or penchant for drama, or whatever] to a 'stage 4' diagnosis and "begged" me to "make peace" with her. For the sake of my soul or some shit, I suppose. I resisted her drama and did not re-engage with X. Learned later that it was not as dire of a diagnosis as my mom had said, but she inserted herself into the middle of a situation and made it sound worse than it was in order to feed off drama, set me off and upset me, so that I could once again be the reactive, crazy bag of shit that I am/was in every fucking situation when it comes to me and crazy abusive user assholes.

"Oh I'm dying, please come weep at my deathbed,"....no thanks. If there is genuine mourning for the loss of a relationship, I've done it, and when there is death, I will probably mourn again for what I thought I had with that person, and the bitter reality of what it actually was, and what I wish it had been. Potential to dust.

So, here is where I"m at with "making peace" and "forgiveness" and all of that shit.

I AM at peace with my decisions to exclude certain people from my life for as long as I continue to be alive. What happened, what was said or done, is in the past and is no longer harming me except if I allow myself to rehash those old things and hurt myself with the old stories again. I choose not to do that. Forgiveness is not a transaction. I do not need to re engage with those people in order to discuss what was said and done, when, and to whom, who did it first, who did it worse, why they/I did it. Forgiveness means it is not a current situation, it is not currently harming me, and I am not giving those people any place or power in my life to harm me further. Peace means it is done and I am done. I have made my peace. I will not re-engage with people who have harmed me in the past. If they regret those harms, as I regret the harms I've done, they should take the lesson in how to treat people better (if they are capable of learning, which narcissists are generally NOT) and do so with the people they currently still have in their lives. Take the lesson and do better next time you have a similar situation or opportunity. That is making peace.

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ick dream

2023-08-10T19:06:43Z

at some kind of art installation/performance art space. Somehow it became a Santa claus meet n greet, starring one of our friends from the Steampunk world who is a Santa in RL. Little kids everywhere, just jazzed about Santa. Then my mom comes walking through the crowd, announcing at intervalls "We're all going to die! We're all going to die!"

Don't need a Dr. Freud to interpret that one.
Cut it out, scumbag brain.

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2023 road trip

2023-07-15T01:36:17Z

Went from Austin to Indiana and back,with a stop in Oklahoma to see family there. Left July 1, got home yesterday July 13. Sallisaw Ok, Eureka Springs AR, Springfield MO (just overnite, watched fireworks from our hotel window) Bloomington IN, Greencastle IN, Brown County IN & various Indiana back roads hither and yon, then Hot Springs AR, and home.

This was a good trip. It felt longer than it actually was, due to all the adventures we managed to shove in. I didn't take any photos in Sallisaw :(

It was good to see family. I am glad we had sort of a general outline that we filled in as we went, that was a fun way to travel. Originally I'd planned to go to Tulsa and spend a day there, maybe see some friends who live there (Kaleon & his wife S.) and spend some more time with my cousin Weez' oldest girl G and her husband who are both nerds. G's husband and Thax have a good bit in common. But Weez' husband was talking up Eureka Springs so much, I ended up convincing Weez and her husband to take an impromptu overnite trip to Eureka Springs instead. (or maybe her husband convinced me...heehee) Stayed at the New Orleans Hotel. It was fabulous. We rode the trolley, saw Christ of the Ozarks and the historic Crescent Hotel, Magnetic Spring, Grotto Spring, and listened to a blues duet in Basin Spring Park. Really nice time.

Pre covid pandemic I was much more of a planner, having days, places, reservations, and even my outfits planned out in advance. (Speaking of outfits, I didn't need as many clothes as I packed.) Changing things from Tulsa to Eureka Springs would have discombobulated me too much and I probably wouldnt' have done it. Glad I am a little more flexible and changeable these days and not so brittle and easily freaked out.

We got to Bloomington IN a day earlier than I'd planned to be in Indiana but it was not a big deal, my sister had a guest bed all ready for us :) We got to sleep with dogs again after a few days of dog free sleep. Her dogs are bigger than Sunny but lighter than Boba and they curl up very small so they were lovely snugglers. We made lemoncello and lemon bars from lemons they had left over from a girl scout lemonade stand that was not as successful as they wanted it to be. We took my niece Eme to her week of girl scout camp. Apparently they can choose 'specialities' or tracks at camp so she is in the horse group. Other girls are in general camp where they do a little of everything, some girls are in boating/swimming type stuff, there's a lot of land out there and a lot of activities and they have their own lake. Apparently during the pandemic, they opened their site for people affiliated with the scouts to come camp with their families, and H. says it saved her sanity to be able to come and camp from time to time over that year.

We made steaks and various veggies, including fresh indiana corn, one night over at my stepdad's house, drank wine, watched dumb TV, visited. It was good. I brought the HEB coffee that he and my mom like, so they're all stocked up for a while. We are all past the point of wanting 'stuff' as presents (except maybe my brother A, he's catching up on things he missed in prison so he's still keen on getting 'stuff'--though he is checking out books and movies and music from the library and saving the digital stuff to his computer, so that's helping)

We played cards and trivia one night with my sister H and her husband. I had not seen her husband smile and laugh so much. He is a bit of a nerd and Thax thinks he has a hard time with just small talk, and I know he isn't forthcoming on 'deep conversation' because he's very private...so gaming is something he's comfortable with that makes him happy. It was fun to play games. We didn't play anything that took too long or had complicated rules. I can deal with games like that. I just can't spend hours and hours learning the rules and playing some long drawn out saga type game....not my thing. So that was fun.

And then on the way home, we drove to Hot Springs and stopped there for the night. We stayed at the Hotel Arlington, one of the historic hotels that still has hot mineral water piped into the rooms. We got in a little after 5 so we were able to walk around and see a few sights, get some dinner, swim in the pool of our hotel (spring fed,not chlorine! nice!) and enjoy ourselves a bit before we drove home the next day. The dogs were happy to see us but Sunny was a little pouty for a while. She snuggled and slept with us all night, though. I think I slept almost 12 hours last night.

I feel like I was able to give to my various family in various love languages that they speak and understand and appreciate--games with brother in law, cooking together with H and dad/G, cookies and lemon bars and fudge to my mom, quality time and shared experiences with my cousin Weez...food and drinks and togetherness. Listening to my dad when he wanted to tell stories about work and life. That was all really, really good.

I'm glad and grateful for my job that gives me both enough money to travel with and the free time to do so (without any guilt trips or hassles from management--the state was bad about that) I'm glad and SO Grateful that Thax and I travel so well together. We are a good team. I got a little frazzled towards the end; there was a lot of emotion in seeing mom and in helping my sister H. sort out K/mom's art room and the family photos piled up in there. H lives closest so, after our stepdad G. on the front line, she is bearing the brunt of things there. G. is retiring end of August and bringing mom home from the care facility to live at home. Their life is going to be very simple, of necessity due to Mom's health and abilities. I hope it all works out. Mom and G's house is big and there's a lot of stairs. They'll be living downstairs in the house but there is no way in or out of that house that doesn't involve stairs and the laundry stuff is in the basement. more stairs. He's having railings installed on the front and back stairs outside but there's not much to do about the shitty basement stairs. I'd be happier if they were in a single level home with no stairs at all.

speaking of stairs, all the stairs in Eureka Springs and Indiana and Hot Springs were good for me.My knee and ankle are complainy in the morning but the movement was good for them and strengthened them. Seeing my mom so weak after her hip break made me really want to work on being stronger.

Sadly, I don't remember the last time I talked, for real, with Mom. (to be honest, I often dreaded it. I didn't want to hear what I'd done wrong or how I'd fucked up, after the fact) And now that can't happen ever again, for good or ill. She's not herself anymore, she smiles alot and just repeats what you say to her mostly. Some spontaneous words but not many. In a way she's easier and more delightful to deal with now that she's not stubborn, wilful, spiteful, judgemental, intolerant, and impatient....but she's not really Mom without those qualities. And of course she's not able to read, write, type, draw, or create her art anymore so that's a huge loss. I don't want to say or imply that my mom is 100% a terrible person or anything....it's complicated.She is a magnificent being, bigger than life in a lot of ways, amazingly creative and talented, adventur5ous, fearless, fantastically intelligent, hugely damaged. Selfish. Narcissistic. Self centered. Manipulative. I don't think she ever made a choice in life that wasn't about her and what she wanted to do...and if she felt like she had to do something that she didn't actually want to do or like doing, she'd do victim/martyr/ passive agressive punishments for 'making' her do things she didn't want to do. I see a lot of that in myself and I fairly well loathe those tendencies. I recognize where they come from but it's still a huge step from realizing 1) my upbringing fucked me up and taught me shitty ways to behave 2) I don't want to be that or do that to 3) fixing my shit

Two recent-ish revelations in that vein re: mom. 1) she did parental alienation on me and my father's relationship. She manipulated him and me both. It's not fixable. It has to be forgiven because I can't be bitter about that, even if it hurts when I think about it too much. I just have to accept it and let it go. Ho'opono. and 2) the daughter she wanted or should have had is someone more like my SIL Skye_ds. Mom and her have more in common than mom and I (too much like my father) A lot of the gifts my mom sent me over the years were things that would have been more suited and more delightful to Skye than to me (purple, witchy, horsey, jewelry meant for smaller wrists and fingers than mine, shoes meant for smaller feet than mine--Skye's). So...another piece of that unpleasant and problematic relationship...on some level recognizing that Skye is the daughter my mother wanted, not me. (Obviously I'm talking about the good parts of Skye's personality, not her abusive and damaged parts) ..the horse stuff, the witchy stuff, the independent and entrepreneurial stuff...not the mean bitchy stuff.

I wanted to tell mom I love her and ask her to forgive me for not being the daughter she wanted, and tell her that I forgive her too...but I teared up and could not get it out. I did say I love you....but not the rest. And that sucks.

anyhoo...it was a good trip. I got brittle and easily freaked out towards the end and slid into 'all I do is make mistakes, nothing I do is right' mode ...and it's so frustrating to watch myself crawling further and further up my own ass and yet be seemingly unable to stop myself from continuing along those lines. Thax doesn't know what to do with me when I get like that either...it's really a no win situation. No matter what he does or says it just increases my disgust and loathing of myself in that moment. Oh, wait, I didn't take that triple reuptake inhibitor while I was out of town because it requires refrigeration. So I guess if nothing else this shows me that the stuff works. So, back on it.

also I am up to 250 lbs. whee.

OH! and while we were traveling, Thax got a call with a job offer, so his new job starts Monday the 17th. He had at least 4 weeks of severance/pto pay out from his job that ended 6/30 so no paychecks missed during his short stint of being unemployed. Woot!

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Quora: Is it wrong to send a sarcastic Mother's Day card to my narcissistic mother?

2023-05-05T17:48:04Z

Is it wrong to send a sarcastic Mother's Day card (seen in the Narcissism Recess space) to my narcissistic mother, who constantly scrutinizes my thoughtful, expensive gifts, dismisses them, and asks me to return them as they don't meet her standards?

Wrong for whom, or what reason? I mean, there’s no law saying that you have to observe Mothers' Day in any way whatsoever.

If you are still chasing approval or affection from the defective creature who birthed you, you more than likely know on some level that’s not going to happen, and this has created a bitter need to hurt the person who hurts you by dismissing and rejecting your attempts to please them.

If you want a reaction or a conflict in lieu of any softer form of acknowledgement, yes, you will likely get a rise by sending a rude card. But, stop and ask yourself what you hope to accomplish in the long run with this gesture.

I suspect this impulse is coming from your wounded inner child and I suspect that grown-up you knows such an impulse is foolish and destructive, even if it gives you some temporary satisfaction to ‘put her in her place’ or 'get her goat'.

If someone has dismissed and rejected your attempts at kindness and generosity, you are not obligated to gift them or acknowledge them in any way any more. You can still send a card or give that person a call to say hello, but it is best for your own healing and for your sweet, hurt inner child, to keep contact with that person as brief and impersonal as possible, given what you now know about your mother. You don't have to let other people's ill treatment of you make you into a person who is mean and deliberately cruel. If you become a monster too, then the monster wins.

On this Mother’s Day, nurture and love your inner child with something special for yourself, be it brunch with friends, time with a child, animal, garden, or some other young life you can give ‘mothering’ energy to, time with a person who gives you nurturing and ‘mothering’ energy, a quiet walk in nature, a day with a good book and delicious warm tea, or some other healing, healthy activity for yourself. Just for you. Give yourself the mothering you wish you had gotten, and the gratitude and kindness you wish you had received.

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Posts tagged 'quora' were originally my answers to peoples' questions on quora.com.

They were monetized but I am giving them away for free here.

If you feel inclined to support my writing, here's my paypal

And if you prefer to pay it forward, I recommend Safe Place as an excellent place to support.

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cycles

2023-02-20T17:47:52Z

I have been observing a cycle that I'd like to write about in some coherent way but it just isn't coming together very well. It's something I saw and experienced many times growing up and into young adulthood, it 'feels' like a predictable cycle, but it also feels like it's reaching into several different 'cycles' at the same time; I don't really know how to explain it. Part of it is a passive-agressive thing, part of it is the cycle of abuse, bullying, the narcissist's refusal to accept responsibility & their tendency to double standards --brutal honesty to others, too fragile to hear or see the truth when it's given back to them in any way, be it brutal honesty or gentle questioning....the cycle of arrogance/abuse, 'you owe me an apology' to the victim playing, oh poor me, I have dissapointed and failed someone who mattered so much to me (that I was verbally abusing with 'brutal truth/honesty' just a few days ago, and now that they've shut the door on me I am trying to lure them back with more passive agressive behavior " I have never once intended to hurt anyone on purpose. No, not even those who have hurt me on purpose.".--which is such laughable BS. The first thing they try to do is hurt the person back, and then if that doesn't get them what they want, they go to victim-playing..all of this indirect acting out type behavior, nothing honest and humble toward the target of the 'performance' ...nothing geared toward repairing the relationship, letting each person have their say, apologies, forgiveness, changed behavior...just this performance.

I dunno. I can't really make it work. Let's just leave it at....I see it, it's a pattern, glad I don't live there anymore.

editing to add. Here it is.

https://youtu.be/FRbmsQ3WW_4

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Quora: How does the scapegoat stop being jealous of the golden child, because the golden child gets

2023-02-09T23:34:21Z

How does the scapegoat stop being jealous of the golden child, because the golden child gets everything the scapegoat wanted, but he can't get it because of emotional neglect?

Accept it. This is easier said than done, I know, and I’m so sorry.

When you come from a toxic family where one kid is perfect and the other kid can’t do anything right, when you come from a family where you are bullied and if you fight back you are the one ‘starting fights’ or ‘causing trouble’ or ‘embarrassing the family’…. all you can do is withdraw from that situation and choose low or no contact once you are an adult, and accept what happened.

It’s not a reflection of you, your value as a person, your worth, your accomplishments, or anything to do with you. It is a dysfunctional, sick and possibly evil person trying to use their children as sick little sock puppets in their weird internal psychodrama.

It is not easy. You will break your own heart a million times trying to get the love and acceptance you wanted and needed--and deserved! as a child from people who are absolutely incapable of giving it.

Accept it. The narcissist (abuser) is not going to change or apologize. The golden child has their own issues that they may never be aware of or heal from. You were a child when this happened, and you had no control over it. The Golden Child was a child when this happened, too, and they did not control the situation either. They did not pick their role even if it seemed they were benefiting from it. As adults, they may continue to play that role in order to get things from the narcissist parent. I hope you will eventually see that for the unhealthy relationship it is.

You can’t go back in time and change the situation you suffered growing up. Accept that the person who can change and heal is YOU. The lost and lonely child, that ‘fuck up’ that ‘useless’ that ‘clumsy’ that… fill in the blank, whatever awful thing your family of origin said about you….is not the person that you ARE or WERE.

Comfort that inner child by reassuring him or her that you are safe now, you are able to choose healthy people to be in your life--you are loved, you are loveable, you are good, you are safe. As an adult, you are able to give everything to yourself that you needed, deserved and did not receive when you were small.

Once you are in a more healed place, you may be able to have a new relationship with the Golden Child, where you are both adults and not competing for the toxic attention of a sick parent who did not really love either of you. I hope that can happen.

Acceptance is the first step. I’m sorry this happened to you. Be well. <3

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7 Types Of Toxic Family Systems

2023-01-31T16:12:03Z

https://youtu.be/upAdaOmiRX8

My upbringing had these elements:

Chaos
Toxic Divorce
Single parent

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Should You Forgive Your Unloving Mother?

2023-01-29T20:38:47Z

Good article. Touches on some of what I've found, felt, discovered re: forgiveness. Unfortunately, mostly, it's not a matter of the other person acknowleging harm or changing their behavior, atoning, or doing better. It's just me deciding that I didn't deserve to be treated that way, I am safe and gone from that person, and I'm not going to keep hurting myself by re-telling the story of what happened and how it made me feel.

I can't, or won't, be close with the person who did harm and didn't care enough to recognize it, regret it, apologize, make amends, change behavior...but I don't need to be. It's OK for that person to either be gone from my life, or if they are family, to be on a very removed level.

It's wierd to get to a point in life to recognize that in a lot of ways you've matured past a parent, grandparent, or other elder member....and it's OK to feel affection and kindness for a person who wasn't what you needed as a child, and will never be. Still sad, but not world ending.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/tech-support/201612/should-you-forgive-your-unloving-mother

Posted December 6, 2016

"I think forgiveness is a personal choice, and there is no yes or no answer. I think that no matter how I or anyone else defines the word forgiveness, to me, it feels like it excuses what was done, and I just can't use that word."

Source: Twin Sails/Shutterstock

There’s probably no subject more fraught than the question of forgiveness in a situation where you feel deeply wronged or betrayed. It’s especially true when the question is asked in regard to a mother whose cardinal responsibility was to love and take care of you, and who failed you in ways that matter, the effects of which stay with you from childhood into adulthood. “To err is human, to forgive divine,” wrote Alexander Pope, and that's essentially a cultural trope: The ability to forgive, particularly in the wake of egregious hurt or violation, is usually understood as a marker of moral and spiritual evolution, endowed with specific authority by its inclusion in the Judeo-Christian tradition, specifically in the Lord’s Prayer.

Recognizing cultural bias is important because an unloved daughter will feel pressured to forgive her mother. That pressure can come from close friends, acquaintances, relatives, strangers, and even a therapist; her efforts to forgive may be fueled by her need to show herself as morally superior to her mother as well.

But even though there seems to be a consensus that forgiveness constitutes the high road, there’s also a fair amount of confusion about what forgiveness is and isn’t. Does it absolve a person of wrongdoing or excuse him or her? Or is it about something else? Is forgiveness about the other person or is it about the person professing it? Is It about letting go of anger? Does forgiving give you an advantage that vengefulness doesn’t? Or does it turn you into a patsy or an enabler? These are questions we have tried to answer for years.

[The quotations in this post are from readers on my Facebook page to whom I posed the question: “Should you forgive your mother?”]

The Psychology of Forgiveness

"I'm getting to the point of genuine forgiveness because I can't hang on to my abusive past if I want a better future. It doesn't excuse the things she did to me, but I deserve the freedom to have peace and love in my heart that I never learned from her."

At the beginning of their history, humans were more likely to survive in groups than as singletons or couples, so it’s theorized that forgiveness emerged as a prosocial behavior; revenge or retribution doesn’t just separate you from the transgressor and his allies but might, in fact, run counter to the communal interests of the tribe. In an article by Jeni L. Burnette and colleagues, the researchers hypothesize that forgiveness as a strategy might have evolved as a function of calculating the risks of revenge against the possible benefits of the relationship. The thinking goes like this: The younger guy has poached your mate from your tribe of hunters and gatherers, but it occurs to you that he is also one of the strongest men in the tribe and very useful in flood season. What should you do? Use revenge as a deterrent against future encroachments or bet on the value of his future cooperation and go with forgiveness? In a series of experiments, the team found that, among college students, there was a calculation of exploitation risk and relationship vale which fostered considering forgiveness.

"Almost always, when someone wants you to forgive them their mistreatment of you, they really mean, 'Stay in the relationship with me so you can continue to fill my ego needs.' Walk away, or run from them and do not look back. Burn bridges and boats if you must, but do not let them back into your life. You do not owe them forgiveness, redemption, atonement, or enlightenment at your expense."

Other studies show that certain personality traits actually make some people more likely to forgive—or, more precisely, more prone to believe in forgiveness as a helpful and useful strategy after they've been wronged. An article by Michael McCullough suggests that people who thrive in the realm of relationships are more forgiving, as are people who are emotionally stable and those who are more religious and spiritual. The researchers also assert that specific psychological processes are at play when people forgive: Empathy for the transgressor, the ability to give the transgressor the benefit of the doubt (being generous in both the appraisal of the wrongdoer’s behavior and the severity of the wrong itself), and the tendency not to ruminate about the betrayal or wrong. Although the article doesn’t mention attachment, it’s worth noting that the insecurely attached woman—a common byproduct of a childhood in which your emotional needs weren’t met—isn’t likely to be able to process events in these ways.

A meta-analytic review suggests that there’s a connection between self-control and forgiveness, the thinking being that since the impulse to be vengeful is more “primitive,” being constructive instead is a sign of self-control. (Frankly, this sounds like the cultural bias at work but more on that anon.)

The Kiss of the Porcupine and Other Insights

"How can you forgive a mother who not only refuses to acknowledge the hurt you suffered by her actions, but is shocked that you think your childhood was painful and she was cruel to you? I refuse to validate her treatment of me. I choose to self-parent and love the child within. I love her and care for her the way she deserves, with kindness and time and care. This takes so much energy and thought and is, at times, difficult. If only I was parented well to begin with. How can I possibly let go of myself and prove her right with my forgiveness? I do not hang on to a bucket of burden and hate, I have worked through and processed my emotions around my childhood and will continue to do so by keeping the little me close but I cannot offer forgiveness to her while she is in denial of her mean cruel treatment of me."

Frank Fincham, an expert on forgiveness, offers up the image of two kissing porcupines as emblematic of the human conundrum. Imagine the two on a frigid night, snuggling to stay warm, enjoying the closeness, until someone’s quill pierces the other’s skin. Ouch! Because humans are social creatures, we make ourselves vulnerable to ouch moments in our quest for intimacy. Fincham carefully parses what forgiveness is and isn’t, and his definitions are worth keeping in mind.

Forgiveness isn’t denial or pretending that the hurt didn’t happen. In fact, it confirms the hurt because forgiveness wouldn’t otherwise be warranted. Additionally, forgiveness confirms the act or transgression as intentional since unintentional acts don’t require forgiveness. For example, when a limb from your neighbor’s tree smashes your car’s windshield, no forgiveness is required. But when your neighbor takes a limb and smashes your windshield out of anger, you’re in different territory.

Forgiveness, Fincham argues, doesn’t imply reconciliation or reunion; while it’s true that reconciliation requires forgiveness, you can forgive someone and still have nothing to do with them in the future. Finally—and this seems especially important—forgiveness isn’t a single act, but a process. It requires managing the negative emotions that are a consequence of the act and substituting goodwill for the impulse to strike back. It’s a process that involves a considerable amount of emotional and cognitive work and so, as Fincham notes, the statement, “I am trying to forgive you,” is particularly true and meaningful.

Does Forgiveness Always Work?

"I have forgiven my mother time and time again. I went back hoping for a different outcome but, alas, it never happened. I understand she wasn't born this person—that things happened, choices were made, something is broken inside her. I feel she's too far gone in this persona of me, me, me. It was a revolving door for me. I tried to get away but then some crisis would arise and of course I was right there to save the day because that's who I am and she was my mom. Then the crisis would pass and things went back to 'normal.' I lived this way for way too long. I have finally cut ties and phone numbers."

I think you already know the answer to the question of whether forgiveness always works, either from personal experience or anecdote: The short answer is it does not. Let’s turn to research to understand the downside to forgiveness; an article appropriately titled “The Doormat Effect” can be considered a cautionary tale for daughters considering both forgiving their mothers and remaining in the relationship.

In a bit of contrarian research—the vast majority of studies look at the benefits of forgiveness—Laura Luchies, Eli Finkel, and others looked at whether forgiveness was as universal a panacea as it appeared. Not altogether surprisingly, they found that forgiveness is only beneficial when certain conditions are met—that is, when the transgressor has made amends and worked to change his or her behavior. If that happens, then the self-concept and self-respect of the forgiving person remain intact. But when the offender doesn’t—or, even worse, sees forgiveness as an open invitation to keep breaching the trust in the relationship—the person’s self-concept is understandably eroded and he or she will feel used and stupid. Despite the body of research seeming to recommend forgiveness as a panacea, they wrote:

"[T]he responses of both victims and perpetrators are influential following a betrayal. Victims’ self-respect and self-concept clarity are determined not only by their own decision whether to forgive or not but also by their perpetrators’ decision whether to act in a manner that signals that the victim will be safe or valued or not.”

Unless your mother has come to the table, openly acknowledged her treatment of you, and vowed to work with you to change her ways, it may well be that forgiving is just a way of re-establishing your status as a doormat.

Daughters, the Dance of Denial, and Forgiveness

"Yes! You've expressed well what I have experienced. Part of this forgiveness is the recognition that I am not going to get the love I want from my mother and I STOP WORKING FOR IT. Then I allow myself to find love where it truly is instead of where it isn't. Then there is peace in my own heart!"

Clinicians and researchers agree that forgiveness of transgressions is a cornerstone of maintaining intimate relationships, especially marriage, but that certain caveats do apply: The relationship must be one of equals, without an imbalance of power, and with equal investment and recognition of the benefits of the connection. By definition, the relationship between the mother and the unloved child isn’t one of equals, not even if the daughter is an adult. She still wants and needs the maternal love and support she didn’t get.

Forgiveness may actually get in the way of the daughter’s appreciation of how she’s been wounded and her healing. It can become part of what I call the dance of denial—the explanations that rationalize and normalize her mother’s words and actions: “She doesn’t know she’s hurting me,” “Her own childhood was lousy so she doesn’t know any better,” “I’m probably too sensitive like she says.” Because the ability to forgive is considered a sign of moral worthiness—setting you apart from the grudge-holders of the world—a daughter may unconsciously believe that showing herself worthy in this way will finally get her what she wants: Her mother’s love.

So it might not be about whether you forgive your mother, but when you do and your deepest motivation for doing so.

Forgiveness After Going No Contact

"Forgiveness comes with healing, and healing begins with honesty and self-love. And by forgiveness, I don't mean saying, 'It's OK what you did because I see you just made a mistake and you had no bad intentions.' That's the 'normal' kind of forgiveness that we exercise every day, because we as humans are flawed and we do make mistakes. But this kind of forgiveness is different. This forgiveness is saying, 'I see the truth of what you did, it was horrible and unacceptable, and has caused me irreparable harm; but I am moving on with my healing in life and letting you go.' That is the forgiveness I am working toward as I heal from severe traumas. But again, forgiveness is not the goal. Healing is the goal. Forgiveness comes as a result of healing."

Many unloved daughters speak of forgiveness as a final step in letting go; it seems less about forgiving their mothers than choosing to no longer focus on them. It’s true that continuing to feel anger—feeling the active sting of how miserably your mother treated you, the ongoing appreciation of how terribly unfair it was that she was your mother in the first place—keeps you emotionally in the relationship even if you’ve abandoned it. In this scenario, forgiveness becomes the ultimate act of disengagement.

One daughter, though, was careful to draw a distinction between forgiveness and disengagement, a point of view worth considering:

"Here's the thing: I'm not turning the other cheek and offering the olive branch (ever again). The closest I can get to forgiveness is 'let go of the story' in the Buddhist sense. Ruminating about it builds a rut in the brain, so I stay in the moment. When I catch myself thinking about it, I come back to the present moment, perhaps by focusing on my breath. Again and again and again. As many times as it takes. Depression is thinking about the past and anxiety is thinking about the future. Mindfulness has been the answer. Compassion also stops the rut-building process in the brain, so I think about what must have happened to my mother. But I do that for the benefit of my brain. Forgiveness? No."

The decision to forgive your mother is complex, and depends on motivations and intentions perhaps more than not. I’m often asked if I’ve forgiven my own mother; the truth is that I haven’t. I find intentional cruelty toward children an unforgivable act, and she certainly was guilty of that, so no forgiveness there. But if one component of forgiveness is letting go, that’s another matter. The truth is that I never, ever think about my mother unless I am writing about her. In a sense, that’s the ultimate disengagement.

Many thanks to my readers on Facebook who contributed their words and thoughts.

Visit me on Facebook. These ideas are fully explained in my book, Daughter Detox: Recovering from an Unloving Mother and Reclaiming Your Life. You may also want to read Mean Mothers: Overcoming the Legacy of Hurt.

References

Burnette, Jeni L., Michael E. McCullough, Daryl R, Van Tongeren, and Don E. Davis “Forgiveness Results from integrating Information about Relationship Value and Exploitation Risk,” Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin (2012), 38 (3), 345-356.

McCulllough, Michael E. “Forgiveness: Who Does It and How Do They Do It?,”Current Directions in Psychological Science, (December, 2001) vol. 10, no. 6, 194-197.

Burnette, Jeni L, Erin K. Davisson, Eli J. Finkel et al. “Self Control and Forgiveness: A Meta-Analytic Review, “Social Psychology and Personality Science (2014), vol. 5 (4), 443-450.

Fincham, Frank,” The Kiss of the Porcupines: From Attributing Responsibility to Forgiving,” Personal Relationships (2000), 7, 1-23.

Luchies, Laura B. and Eli J. Finkel, James K. McNulty and Madoka Kumashiro, "The Doormat Effect: When Forgiveness Erodes Self-Respect and Self-Concept Clarity," Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (2010), vol.98, no. 5, 734-749.

Fincham, Frank D., Julie Hall and Steven R.H. Beach, “Forgiveness in Marriage:Current Status and Future Directions,” Family Relations, 55 (October 2006), 415-427.

About the Author

Peg Streep's newest book is Verbal Abuse: Recognizing, Dealing, Reacting, and Recovering. She is the author or coauthor of 15 books, including Daughter Detox: Recovering from an Unloving Mother and Reclaiming Your Life.

Online:

Harper Collins Author Profile, Facebook, Instagram

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Quora: Do the narcissist's parents ever realize they created a monster

2023-01-05T23:17:42Z

Do the narcissist's parents ever realize they created a monster, or are they too much in denial or too embarrassed?

The old nature-vs-nurture argument. Are they born bad or are they created? Do the parents see what they did and feel bad, or do they feel the child is completely on their own as far as how they turn out as adults? I think it really depends on the parents. There’s not a universal truth here, only individual lives and how they deal with things.

It’s a complicated situation; I believe some narcissists are created by growing up in a toxic environment. One or more of their adult care givers (parents, grandparents, foster, adoptive, whatever) is a narcissist themselves and due to the toxic family dynamic, one or more of their children is also a narcissist. Adults who are abusive, neglectful, addicted or absent may also trigger the series of malignant circumstances that make a child’s brain and behavior into what we call narcissistic personality disorder.

A child may also be born with significant brain damage, either due to maternal stress, maternal drug abuse, or no reason at all. Their brains are actually missing the structures which would allow them to develop emotionally into mature adults.

If you had a child with a birth defect which caused them to have difficulty relating to others and difficulty expressing themselves emotionally, how would you feel? Would you feel responsible, or would you feel it was the child’s responsibility to learn how to deal with their disability? I think the answer to that really varies with each family and really depends on the circumstances.

Is it the child’s fault that they were born into a toxic family? Is it the child’s fault that they were born with organic brain damage? No. But it is every adult’s responsibility to learn to cope with their early childhood damage and try to learn to function properly in the world.

If a person is ever able to be self-aware enough to realize that their behavior is toxic to themselves & others, they have enough self-awareness to work on it and fix themselves, regardless of what their parents have done or said.

==============

Editing to add: Posts tagged 'quora' were originally my answers to peoples' questions on quora.com. They were monetized but I am giving them away for free here.

If you feel inclined to support my writing, here's my paypal

And if you prefer to pay it forward, I recommend Safe Place as an excellent place to support.

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Quora: Does my narcissist brother truly believe that he is better than me?

2023-01-05T20:27:59Z

Does my narcissist brother truly believe that he is better than me? I am much better and happier than him. Does he know this?

Narcissists are very good at lying, even and especially to themselves. He may notice that you are happy and healthy and living a good life, but his hatred and envy will not allow him to acknowledge that 1) yes, you are truly happy and 2) yes, you DESERVE the happy life you have made for yourself.

He will tell himself (and others) that you are the narcissist, you are jealous of him, and that your happy life is just a big show you are putting on in order to attack and humiliate him.

He will tell himself (and others) that you don’t deserve your happiness, your success, the loving relationships and respectful friendships you have made for yourself.

He will tell himself (and others) that HE is actually the person who deserves the happiness and the success and the kind, loving, respectful friendships and feel bitter and hateful towards anyone he sees who is enjoying ‘undeserved’ happiness.

He will do and say whatever he can, to you and to anyone else who will listen, to demean, dismiss, and tear down your happiness. You only got where you got in your career because someone did you a favor or feels sorry for you. Your spouse or lover is being tricked by you, or is using you.

In the narcissist’s eyes, you are the liar, you are the fraud, you are the big fat effing loser, because he cannot stand to look in the mirror and see that all the crappy things he says about YOU are actually true about HIMSELF.

Please don’t spend too much time or energy worrying what the narcissist thinks, feels, or wants. If you truly have a happy life, then surely you have many good and decent relationships that are a better use of your energy & time.

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Quora: Does a narcissist’s family look up why they are the way they are?

2023-01-05T18:16:15Z

They might, but the family of origin for a narcissist is probably the source of their personality disorder; generally such folks come from parents who are narcissists themselves ( or a narcissist/codependent duo) and/or abusive in some way and/or addicted to drugs or alcohol. The narcissistic child’s behavior will probably not be remarked upon or recognized as malignant while he or she is living in such a chaotic household, and the narcissist learns at an early age which mask to wear in which circumstances, so they will compartmentalize their lives and only behave in abusive narcissistic ways in times and places where they can get away with it—”kiss up, kick down” is the narcissist’s motto. They may do very well in school and other organizations due to this ability to manipulate authority figures.

Once the narcissist is on his or her own, he or she will seek out or create a high-stress, high-drama environment for their own chosen family, with themselves as the center of attention, the controller, and/or the main drug or alcohol user, and their spouse and children as codependent servants or slaves. One child may be chosen to be the NPD’s “Mini Me” and grow up to be the next generation of narcissistic abuser.

A person who marries in to such a family will probably have codependent tendencies, or come from a family where there was a narcissist, abuser, or addict. Therefore, being abused by a narcissist will feel familiar and the behavior and relationship dynamics will not be seen as a pathology.

Google searches about “why does s/he do that,” or “Why does s/he treat me that way” may lead a person to learn about narcissism and NPD, but without a mental health diagnosis by a professional, it’s best to just recognize that internet searches to determine if your relationship is healthy or normal may indicate that you aren’t happy with how you are being treated and it’s time to leave the relationship, even if the relationship is with a member of your family of origin.

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Quora: What would the narcissist do if you went to their siblings for advice on how to deal with him

2023-01-05T17:46:59Z

What would the narcissist do if you went to their siblings for advice on how to deal with him/her?

In my experience, the narcissistic abuser will have already poisoned the well for their target; the NPD is excellent at compartmentalizing their lives so that all of their victims never have a chance to meet up and compare notes, and they usually run pre-emptive smear campaigns against any potential sources of help or information.

The way this works is that when you are still in the golden early days of your relationship, the NPD will tell you about their abusive parents, their alcoholic nympho sister, their brother who molested them when they were 4, their violent stalker exes, etc etc etc.

Their stories will be so detailed, lurid, and nauseating that even when you start to see the cracks in the Narcissist’s mask and there have been episodes of madness, you will still be very reluctant to contact any of the people that the NPD has poisoned you against.

Rest assured, the NPD will have also spoken badly about you to their other friends and to their family members, so those people will not want to speak to you, they will not trust you, and they will not speak honestly with you about the narcissist. The NPD has run so many headgames, loyalty tests, and crazy episodes past them that they will not wish to engage with you, the narcissist’s newest broken toy.

If you do manage to make contact with your NPD’s family without the NPD catching on and preventing you, be assured that the punishment the NPD will dish out to both you and their family will make every previous episode of drama look like a walk in the park compared to the Hell on Earth that you will now face. There may even be law enforcement involvement. Seriously, this is not something you want to do.

As always, if you are with someone and they are not treating you kindly, if their emotional state seems a bit creepy, if an appropriate amount of time has passed and you aren’t naturally meeting other friends and family members as the relationship seems to be deepening, or if their story seems a bit ‘off,’ take some time to reflect on your own mindset, re-affirm your own worth and re-examine your own relationship needs. If someone is mistreating you and they will not accept responsibility for their behavior, then it is time to say goodbye to that person.

=============

Editing to add: Posts tagged 'quora' were originally my answers to peoples' questions on quora.com. They were monetized but I am giving them away for free here.

If you feel inclined to support my writing, here's my paypal

And if you prefer to pay it forward, I recommend Safe Place as an excellent place to support.

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re: tragedy/foo stuff

2021-11-13T09:29:50Z

So, I mentioned that my stepbrother sineater and his wife skye_ds recently lost some of their herd. Three of their 20-odd(?) horses passed within 10 days of each other. I emailed condolences for each loss. No response, of course.

And they have never reached out to me when I've had any losses since we've all ceased contact, not when my father passed, not when Lady Dog died, not when Memphis died, not when Flavio died. And, for whatever crazy in my brain, that hurt my feelings (JFC! what is wrong with me???)

Which made me think of other times I'd reached out to ex-friends after a loss. An ex friend, sharjinka, lost her dog to cancer. I had known her dog and even dog-sat a time or two. He was a sweet dog. So when I heard that he had passed, I sent her a FB message or an email (don't remember) and she was rude and insulting to me in response. Ok, so she's not good with emotions, even when we were friends, so I chalked it up to that. Being mad and mean is easier than being hurt and sad and grieving, so I took it and let it go and didn't try any further contact.

Another time I'm remembering is when another ex friend onyxlynxx (wow, I have some of those, don't I?) lost her partner,a man she'd been in love with since she was a teenager, and who had finally gotten her 'happily ever after' - they'd moved in together and were making a life of settled domestic bliss type stuff, and he died suddenly of a heart attack at a very young age, apparently he had some health conditions that had made him susceptible to such a thing. And so I reached out to her (again, don't remember the specifics, whether messenger or email) and my brain being what it is, I don't remember her exact response, but basically my condolences were unwelcome.

And then I remember the time an other ex friend (another one?? wow, I sure know how to be a great friend, don't i?) X was apparently having health problems. My mom has stayed in touch with X and X's stepfather--she and X's stepdad were friends when mom was in college, dated briefly, and have stayed in touch over the years. So mom sends me this high-drama message about how I need to make my peace with X because she's 'dying' with 'stage 4' this & that and yadda yadda. For whatever reason, of all the 'no contacts,' this is one I managed to stand firm on. Probably because X really fucked me up/over! So I didn't follow my mom's encouragement to reach out and make my final peace, and of course in the meantime I somehow managed to find out (don't remember how) that there was no stage 4 whatever, there was just a surgery that X got through just fine and there was no high-drama deathbed scene that needed to happen.

So, I think I get that 'tragedy=reach out/make peace/gesture" thing from my mom, as a thing that is supposed to happen. Which, if you look at it one way, (hollywood/storybook/not real) is a very poignant and meaningful bit of bathos, ya know? old misunderstandings and hurts swept away by a single caring gesture, old enemies reunited with tearful hugs and yadda yadda, mawkish nonsense. On the reality side, when I really take a hard, cold, unbiased look at it, it's manipulative, toxic, cruel, and narcissistic to insert myself oh-so-dramatically for this reunion scene when someone is suffering, in pain, and the last thing they have any emotional energy for is a rapprochement. It's ugly to look at myself in that light, but it's also truthful. I mean, yes absolutely, I do feel sympathy and empathy for each of these ex-people in my life. My heart did/does go out to them for the losses they've suffered. But they did not/do not ever need or want my presence in their life ever again. So this drama filled bullshit is a thing I need to unlearn. It doesn't happen in Real Life. It is hollywood nonsense.

Oh wait, but my scumbag brain wants to take me to one more place before it lets me go tonight/this morning (thanks insomnia! thanks scumbag brain!) My friend Drey's funeral. He died suddenly and unexpectedly a couple years ago and his funeral was the most amazing, moving celebration of life I've ever been to. There was an effigy with some of his ashes that was burned in a way reminiscent of the Jedi funeral given to Darth Vader at the end of Return of the Jedi. There were poems and songs and stories told by all the people he knew from all the various mutlifaceted parts of his life, from his old college buds to his gamer friends to his bdsm/poly scene folks. It was absolutely amazing. And, at one point in the night, I found myself standing at the fire near Sayeez, a young woman I'd been very unkind to in the past (bullshit manipulative insecure drama, once again thanks to me! Gee, I'm awesome) and we shared some words about the man we had both loved who was ascending via sparks to the sky, and we talked a bit, apologized to one another, hugged and cried. We haven't become best friends, or even Facebook friends in the aftermath of that night, but it healed my heart a bit, and I'm forever grateful for the kindness and forgiveness we were able to share. But, in trying to come up with the exception that proves the rule ("see? hollywood style make-ups can happen!) I am also seeing that it wasn't me imposing myself into someone else's grief and making the situation about me and the person(s) I'd wronged. It was more of a right time-right place kind of thing that happened naturally, unforced, unasked for, a grace note to a somber time. So....not really the same thing, at all.

It is wrong of me to reach out to people ~~who have hurt me~~ I've hurt when they are vulnerable and in grief. It is cruel, selfish, and narcissistic. Their loss is not about me, and it's not my place to intrude on their grief, and it's a crappy thing to do. I may or may not still want forgiveness/closure with someone, their time of loss is not a time to put that demand on a person. It really fucking sucks.

And that's what my scumbag brain is putting out for me tonight. So...thanks for that, brain-meats.

And now that I've gotten that out, maybe it will let me sleep.

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"Mourning the mom you deserved"

2021-10-25T17:11:12Z

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/tech-support/201703/daughters-unloving-mothers-mourning-the-mom-you-deserved

This is such a complicated thing....my mom didn't have the mom she deserved. Her mom probably didn't have the mom she deserved, either. My father for damn sure didn't have the mom he deserved. How far back do we need to go before we can stop blaming? Before it becomes absurd?

Going from personal to universal, looking out at society, you have all of these impossible demands & expectations of motherhood. Moms are supposed to be such perfect saints. Always patient, always loving, always kind, always THERE. You breastfeed you baby for too long or not long enough-you're a terrible mother. You bottle feed = your'e a terrible mother. You let your kids eat dirt and play outside=you're a terrible mother. You don't let your kids play outside=you're a terrible mother. Your kids cry in public=you're a terrible mother. Your kids are tidy, polite, and quiet =you must be abusing them in private to make them act so cowed, you're a terrible mother. Your kids are too loud, too smart, too quiet, too emotional, too outspoken, too tall, too short, too fat, too thin = you're a terrible mother. Hug them too much, you're hovering and spoiling them, turning them into mama's boys/girls, you're a terrible mother. Ignore them when they fuss, you're a terrible mother. Send them to public schoo, you're a terrible mother. Send them to private school, you're a terrible mother. Send them to daycare while you work, you're a terrible mother. Stay at home to raise them, you're just a lazy whore who wants to sit on the couch and watch TV on your husband's dime & post on social media about how hard it is being a mom= also a terrible mother. And, you would think this shit comes from men against women but no, it is women saying this shit about other women. Mommy blogs are full of vicious, venomous bile against other moms who aren't doing it 'right'. It seems like moms have no way to ever, ever, EVER be 'good'....(one of the thousands of reasons I never had kids)

Honestly, I think what people need is a female God, not some impossibly perfect mother who is never, ever going to be able to live up to the arbitrary & contrary demands of society. And, maybe, on some level, the reason humanity turned to a male god is because of that original infant-wound, that fist time we woke up hungry, dirty, wet, and there wasn't an umbilical cord from Mother, bringing us everything we needed and taking away all our filth. Mommy is bad, she doesn't love us, maybe Daddy will. If we are good enough.

It's exhausting and frustrating. I really would like to think (hope) that as soon as we're old enough to realize our parents fucked us up (even if they were doing their best), we are old enough to get to healing and forgiving and growing the fuck up.

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RE: 2013: a new hateful action by my brother at year end – can’t take this any more

2019-06-10T23:15:59Z

01-13-2014 at 06:33 PM (31 Views)

Felicia said:

Now, I have read already a year ago that in many cases the underlying cause can be found in the FOO, and I have given this a lot of thought, but even if I realize that being a FOO member my objectivity is biased, honestly I cannot see this in my family. Especially when I read other men’s stories and see how terribly their FOO and childhood were, I see nothing of that in my FOO. Not that we are perfect, of course not.
I also read an article where Dr. Tara refers to a traumatic first romantic relationship which would cause a man like my brother to try to make it good with subsequent relationships – I hope I paraphrase it correctly. Maybe that’s a more plausible explanation. His first girlfriend cheated on him and he broke up with her, without much ado however. So … I don’t know. I wonder if people like my brother are just more susceptible to suggestion and manipulation, like some people are more easily hypnotized and others aren’t. One thing I can relate to: my brother is a knight in shining armor.

What I wanted to say is that if you honestly can't find a CB in your own family tree, your brother may not actually be working out his own Family Of Origin stuff. It's my theory that he may have been brainwashed by his CB into working out HER FOO stuff. When my brothers have gone off on these hateful rants about how our family did all these terrible things and said all these terrible things to him....I don't remember ANY of those things. So my thought is that the CB had something happen in HER childhood, that she somehow convinces him it happened to HIM instead. I don't know why or how that would happen, but it's the only thing that makes any sense to me.

Considering that one of my brothers is convinced that he 'forced' his wife to have an abortion*....nothing really surprises me. These women keep the guy up all night, no rest, no food, no water, and scream and cry and repeat the same insanity for hours and hours....eventually something breaks and they adopt this new version of the truth. I've blogged in the past about the simliarities between my brother's abusive wife and a Cult Leader. They may not consciously use these cult mind-washing techniques, but obviously these methods work, so somehow or another the CB has added them to her arsenal of tricks.

Another thought I had--interesting that you use the term 'hypnotized'...apparently there have been studies about who is more susceptible to hypnosis, and it is generally the most intelligent, open minded, trusting types who are most easily hypnotized. So, honestly, it would not surprise me that the best people with the best qualities are unfortunately the most ripe for CBs to victimize. Those who are honest, open minded, kind hearted, willing to believe others... just don't have the hardness, cynicism, suspicious natures that make people better able to deflect predators. The only thing that keeps a CB from preying is if you don't have any use to them or you are bigger and scarier and smarter than they are. If they don't believe they can make you a tool or prey, they move on. *sigh*

*the abortion story: when my stepbro and his wife had first moved in together, she became pregnant. She has fibroid tumors and other female problems, so her body could not carry the fetus to term. She started bleeding non stop, her body was in miscarriage. She went to the doctor, and the doctor said "You are going to bleed to death" so at that point, I guess the doctor did a procedure to clean her up and keep her from bleeding to death....and somehow that has turned into she was forced by my brother to have an abortion. He probably did the usual thing he does when she's sick and won't go to the doctor, keeps telling her she needs to see a doctor, and eventually he takes her in, which translates into her making him responsible for her medical problems. Now, since he believes this story of 'forcing' her to have an 'abortion', she uses that story to guilt and manipulate him into basically anything she wants.

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evile

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RE: 2013: a new hateful action by my brother at year end – can’t take this any more