Quora: When a narcissist finally reveals themselves as being submissive

2023-01-06T17:48:50Z

When a narcissist finally reveals themselves as being submissive, does it mean you have defeated their narcissistic ways?

No. Narcissism is a mental health issue or a brain disease. You can not ‘defeat’ a mental health disorder any more than you could date someone with a missing leg and love them enough for their leg to grow back. It just doesn’t work that way.

If you are speaking of ‘submissive’ in terms of a BDSM or kinky type relationship, some narcissists say they are ‘submissive’ when it actually means that they wish to be ‘lazy’ in bed—you do all the work to please them and they just lay there and enjoy it. They are not actually ‘submissive’ in the sense of wishing to please you or do what you ask. [see also: "Topping from the bottom"]

Narcissists will say just about anything to keep someone hooked, and they can put on a mask of ‘submission’ for a time if that is what they think their target wants them to be, but it is just another lie by the narcissist to get what they want out of someone.

Again, narcissism is a mental health problem. It is not a choice by the person to behave in a bratty way, it is the way they are and without professional help and a professional diagnosis, there is no way for anyone outside of themselves to ‘defeat their narcissistic ways’. A narcissist must recognize that their behavior is toxic, seek help,and then work very hard on themselves to improve. It is not something that someone else can force them to do, or do to them or for them.

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2222icq w/a

2021-10-02T20:01:46Z

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evilE

May 26, 2004

evile: DOL is going to be in the office tomorrow & Friday...so I
won't be online much needless to say :P
SkyeDS: otay
evile: I might be tempted to say "Welcome to our Potempkin Village"
but I probably won't.
SkyeDS: lol
SkyeDS: news here isn't so hot at the moment either
evile: Bummer.
SkyeDS: the bank has lost every credit card transaction since midMarch
evile: Oh, that's ridiculous!!
SkyeDS: and Customer No Service told me that we were set up on the
wrong number with the wrong instructions
SkyeDS: to begin with
SkyeDS: I think Hugh is angry enough to have a heart attack or stroke.
evile: That is such BS!!
SkyeDS: I've got to figure out how to retrace whether or not we had
credit card transactions run in April.
SkyeDS: with it done over the phone, I have no paper trail.
evile: that sucks!!
SkyeDS: I hope I can keep his anger directed at them for this, and
not have it land on me when it occurs to him that I should be able to
just pull up and rerun old transactions (when I have no paper trail) -
ie blame me for not having a papertrail.
evile: *fingers crossed*
SkyeDS: I *think* there are only two clients that pay us with credit
card
SkyeDS: so it will just be a matter of looking back at their bills
alone
evile: That's not so bad, then...
SkyeDS: calling them, asking them to check to see if their accounts
show the transactions
SkyeDS: and saying, I'm sorry, I'll have to run them again
SkyeDS: I don't mind taking egg on my face for that, if it comes down
to it
evile: yeah.
SkyeDS: but I can't be positive that those are the only two clients
that have paid by CC since midmarch.
evile: ack. What a mess.
SkyeDS: what this brings into sharp relief is that we do need a
papertrail system for keeping up with credit card payments
SkyeDS: rather than relying on the bank's phone system.
evile: *nods*
SkyeDS: and he isn't going to be happy when I point this out.
evile: nope...
SkyeDS: and it could be argued that I should have created such a
system without being told.
SkyeDS: rather than just accepting everything the bank gave us and
relying on their representations.
evile: true...but how were you supposed to know the bank was doing
crazy stuff?
SkyeDS: yes
SkyeDS: but it could still be argued that the remedy to their mistake
would be simple from our end
SkyeDS: if my recordkeeping, which I'm paid to do, had been better.
evile: I am just boggled that with all the records banks keep, your
transactions aren't SOMEWHERE. Online, or something, at least.
SkyeDS: the number and instructions they gave us are apparently for
approvals only but don't actually put the transactions through
evile: Old statements. Somewhere. They are supposed to be so
scrupulous about keeping their records straight. FDIC rules & that.
SkyeDS: but since I did put them in the system there should be a
record of them somewhere
SkyeDS: and the last two weren't recorded as even having gone through
the current phone line
SkyeDS: even though one of them I made with the assistance of an
operator.
evile: bizarre.
SkyeDS: in my own half ass defense I will say this.
SkyeDS: I have accepted the systems that have been in place here as I
found them
SkyeDS: and I probably in retrospect shouldn't have.
evile: *nods*
SkyeDS: the invoice system is such that, when an invoice is paid,
stamped paid, and moved from open to closed -
SkyeDS: half the time my predecessors seem to have written the date,
check number, etc, and half the time they didn't.
evile: Your boss doesn't seem to be very comfortable with changes,
though...so he might not have enjoyed you changing his system around.
SkyeDS: and there is no record of when they have been paid by CC.
SkyeDS: and so I have not religiously done this either.
SkyeDS: even though in the back of my head has been that I probably
should.
evile: *nods*
SkyeDS: and needless to say I will from now on, particularly with
CCs. With checks it's a nonissue because we file copies of the
checks in the client file before they go in the bank.
evile: right.
SkyeDS: I sent him off to lunch to decompress. I foresee a shouting
match with the bank when he gets back. Hopefully it won't direct at
me right afterward.
SkyeDS: <cringes>.
evile: yucko..
SkyeDS: the other point I might have to make, and it's lame too, is
this.
SkyeDS: half of these payments, he hands me a pink phone msg slip
with all the pertinent info scribbled on it.
evile: yup...
SkyeDS: and no, I don't keep those, after the damn system says, the
payment is good.
SkyeDS: maybe I should have
SkyeDS: but to me it is arguable that I should have known that.
evile: too late to start second guessing yourself now...just take
what you know and go forward...
SkyeDS: yep
SkyeDS: but there still remains the possibility of a beating over
past mistakes.
SkyeDS: oh well.
SkyeDS: yes, I saw a flawed system, and yes, I should have not just
accepted it, and corrected it myself without the need to be told. So
I will accept the buck for that one. And hope it doesn't cost me my
head.
evile: Maybe time to start putting together ideas for a new tracking
system now...to have a little armor just in case boss man starts
yelling.
SkyeDS: oh yeah. new tracking system already in place as far as I'm
concerned. Double edged.
evile: "Okay, the old system failed, here is a list of ideas for
procedures we can implement to keep this from happening again."
SkyeDS: I'm going to save every piece of pink msg paper he scribbles
on, and put them in the client files, as well as hand copying the
info to the invoices when I close them.
SkyeDS: nods, and hope he doesn't think too closely on me being to
blame for there not already being a new system.
evile: *shrug* as far as anybody knew there wasn't anything wrong
with the old one...
evile: If you are driving a car that is running perfectly fine and
the transmission then blows up..should you have bought a new car a
week ago?
SkyeDS: is not quite the same but point taken.
evile: Nevermind that you're stranded 50) miles between El Paso and
Hell, there's still no way you could have known it was going to
happen..
SkyeDS: it's just that every time I open the closed invoices to put
another one in there, I think, you know, every one of them should
have written the check numbers or credit card information on there.
SkyeDS: and I didn't do it, because it hadn't been consistently done
before, even though I thought to myself, well, it should have been.
evile: I am sure you had other things Hugh had indicated as
priorities...
evile: Current crises always take precedence over cleaning up old
stuff...at least in my humble office & clerical experiences.
SkyeDS: nods
evile: Hopefully it will be obvious that berating you isn't going to
fix anything, you can say "mistakes were made and now let's fix them"
and move on..
SkyeDS: I went in there to find him already in process of making me a
credit card payment log copied from the mail log
SkyeDS: and told him, oh, ok, I was going to do that, but thank you :)
evile: good.
SkyeDS: I guess a different perspective is, well, yes, it should
have, would have, could have occurred to me, but then, it also
shoulda coulda woulda occurred to him too.
evile: yup. And he's not a fan of change, so unless he'd bitched
about it, I wouldn't have just arbitrarily started changing things.
SkyeDS: he wouldn't have noticed if I'd started keeping additional
logs or writing info on closed invoices though.
evile: right.
SkyeDS: it's something I could do without asking him to do anything
additional.
SkyeDS: could have already done, rather.
evile: yup. oh well. from this day on, you'll know better than to
trust the banks records & keep your own.
SkyeDS: I hope the bank steps up to bat like right after the noon hour
evile: that would be good
SkyeDS: "Hugh is going to shoot you in the face with a bazooka. And
I'm not going to stop him this time.".
SkyeDS: filked from "sineater is going to...."...which is filked from
Cosby's Himself ~ "Your father is going to..."
SkyeDS: I'm an unabashed thief.
evile: hehe
SkyeDS: I have decided to spend my birthday by myself
SkyeDS: if I don't invite people and they don't show I will be less
let down than if I issue a general invite and end up by myself anyway
evile: Oh. Okay then.
SkyeDS: although, since Randy now has a new trailer, I will tell him
I'm goin and ask them if they want to go
SkyeDS: you of course are always welcome but you don't need
an "invite".
SkyeDS: I am still pondering whether I want to spend one night or two.
evile: it's a bit of a drive for just one night, looks like.
SkyeDS: ok, now I think my foot is in it. when I said, I'm not
issuing invites -- I meant to the groups I belong to, HFS, SCA, etc
evile: aha.
SkyeDS: I didn't mean I was disinviting you
evile: You could still evite or email individuals.
SkyeDS: I think I'm going to shut up now <sigh>
SkyeDS: anywho, if you like, I could pick you and your stuff up on
Friday on my way home from work, whether I end up spending one night
or two.
evile: Ther'es a Voyagers party the 5th, too....and AKon. So...lots
of stuff. (and not very much $.) Hopefully I'll get something sussed
out soon.
SkyeDS: nods
SkyeDS: I think I'm having a palomino day.
SkyeDS: palomino days are akin to blonde moments
evile: aha. I figured.
SkyeDS: blonde all over, all day long, as opposed to blonde for a
moment
evile: It happens. I spent half the morning thinking it was Thursday
& dreading DOL, then realized that's not till tomorrow!
SkyeDS: I coined it for Mirage...I thought it was funny.
SkyeDS: I've had a problem keeping my days straight this week too.
evile: heh. It is :)
SkyeDS: I had a hard time remembering whether yesterday was Tuesday
or Wednesday, and then today too.
evile: Just not so much when it's happenig to you :P
SkyeDS: I also forgot when I was doing my makeup time yesterday that
I only had two hours to make up and not four, like usual
SkyeDS: so I stayed an hour where I had originally thought to stay
half
evile: Maybe there's something in the air or the stars or something
today. :P
SkyeDS: but what I'm going to do is stay another hour today, and not
have makeup time left on Thu or Fri
SkyeDS: and that works too
SkyeDS: it does sound contagious doesn't it.
evile: Nice to have 'short' days on thursday & Friday
SkyeDS: I can't remember the last time I worked a full eight hours on
Monday
SkyeDS: certainly not in the last past month
SkyeDS: so I'm always having to make up monday hours the rest of the
week
evile: Nice that your boss lets you do that, though...
SkyeDS: yep. it was his preference that I be an independent
contractor, so that he doesn't have payroll taxes on me.
SkyeDS: and then that creates all sorts of freedoms on my side, so
that I truly am an IC according to the IRS>
evile: that seems like a real win-win.
SkyeDS: there are 20 different tests, I researched all of them and
put in language for every single last one in my IC Agmt.
evile: wow.
SkyeDS: yours truly is nothing if not thorough when it comes to my
research and my writing.
evile: yup!
SkyeDS: would be a nice job
SkyeDS: just doing research for authors
SkyeDS: and grad students, or whatever
evile: Yeah. That's J-Law's favorite part of her job,too.
evile: I'm too easily distracted to be a good researcher
SkyeDS: really? you don't strike me as being nearly as easily
distracted as I am, in general
SkyeDS: although it isn't easy to distract me when I'm on a
particular mission
SkyeDS: just when I'm not.
evile: heh. I am good at faking like I'm studious & such
SkyeDS: I'm not as airheaded as people think given my astrology
evile: astrology sin't everything..
SkyeDS: but I notice the older I get, t he more airheaded I get
evile: yeah...
evile: I was a lot more Taurean as a child, becoming more of the
typical Gemini flake as I get older.
SkyeDS: it may be that all my earth signs keep me from being as much
of a flake as the typical gem sun & moon would be
evile: yeah.
SkyeDS: because I have rising, merc, saturn in taurus
SkyeDS: merc & saturn both in taurus conjunct are good so it is said
for research
evile: astrology, like palms, is just 'tendancies'...which are
tempered by environment & people around you.
SkyeDS: makes one stubborn in a bloodhound sort of way (bloodhound =
atty term)
evile: heh
SkyeDS: I am not a balanced person astrologically at all. Four in
air, four in earth, three in water, and no fire.
evile: I don't think I am either. Been a while since I looked.
SkyeDS: I had a rather interesting research experiment type situation
happen to me when I was werkin fer Miz Cleo
SkyeDS: I was on the phone for two straight hours with this woman
SkyeDS: trying to figure out how she had gotten to such a miserable
place in life, and how to get her back to a happy place
evile: ugh
SkyeDS: and astrology was very useful in that instance, because the
problem was, she had completely lost who she was
SkyeDS: in making herself who someone else wanted her to be
evile: pisces?
SkyeDS: and could not answer the questions, "who are you, what would
make you happy" at *all*
SkyeDS: yes.
SkyeDS: remade by an Aries. for 20 years.
evile: ick.
SkyeDS: it was like....reconstructive surgery on the soul.
evile: wow...
SkyeDS: one of the few times, I logged off after only two hours
(spent with just one person) and had to take a bath and have a glass
of wine to settle my stomach
evile: that's tough.
SkyeDS: usually tough stuff involved kidnapped kids, had that happen
a few times
evile: I could not deal with that....
SkyeDS: most of it is love & money. When do I get laid, when do I
get paid. To paint with perhaps an overly broad and general
brushstroke.
evile: heh.
evile: Met a 24/7 dpe Domme & sub last night at dinner. That
was...interesting.
evile: oops Tpe
SkyeDS: I bet
evile: bizarre. apparently they have a macaw too. WTf. :P
SkyeDS: really? what kind?
evile: dunno. her profile just says 'macaw'
evile: not sure how TPE and poly would really go together...but OK...
SkyeDS: it's common
SkyeDS: the master is poly
SkyeDS: the slave is not
evile: hm.
SkyeDS: and the slave sleeps with whomever else the master gives to
evile: I was just thinking in terms of time constraints. ..
SkyeDS: I wouldn't know about that aspect, never been there done that
and don't want to
evile: well, apparently these two do OK, they seemed happy & such.
very self-contained, though. In a group, it was still very obvious
that they were together/bound in some way. Went rooting around LJ
today & figured out who they were....
SkyeDS: tpe is special. not for everybody. not for most.
evile: so I gather.
evile: BRB, I need to check L&B's po box. No worries if you need to
get gone between now/then to work on stuff w/bank/CC/boss. :)
SkyeDS: tay
evile: I'm back. it's HOT out there. ick!
SkyeDS: yesterday looked like our ac at work was having a hard time
keeping up
evile: ooh, not good.
SkyeDS: better today so far
evile: I don't think it's as humid today.
evile: I still need to get Aunt L her lottery ticket, but I didn't have
a long enough break time to do both PO box and lottery ticket. I can
get lotto stuff anywhere, after work I guess.
SkyeDS: nods
evile: I wonder if I will have my tent back by the 4th if I loan it
to Galenn & household for this weekend....maybe I should not have
offered...
SkyeDS: I have a tent
SkyeDS: the old one
evile: ahem.
SkyeDS: my thought was you could loan my old tent
SkyeDS: instead of yours
SkyeDS: it isn't going to rain this weekend
evile: I never trust the weather.
evile: Tavalon is very organized & compulsive about things, so
hopefully that means if I loan them something it will come back
quickly
SkyeDS: nods
SkyeDS: Daddy said the old tent might not be in bad shape, as hard as
it was raining most tents would have leaked
SkyeDS: I don't know
evile: Me either. The tent that we ruined at e. rock wasn't that old.
evile: It ended up being a good excuse to upgrade from a '4 man'
to '6 man' tent.
SkyeDS: I saw an interesting critter when I went to buy our 12 x 16
SkyeDS: it was three dome tents that set up separately and then
connect with a habitrail
evile: that's cool.
SkyeDS: it was 20 more
SkyeDS: I thought about it, and then thought, if I give the boys
three tents to set up instead of one, that will not be popular
evile: heh
SkyeDS: but it looked neat
SkyeDS: 88 bucks for what constitutes 3 cabin tent that could be 3
separate tents if needed
evile: could definitely come in handy...
evile: When we camped with folks at TRF, some of them had a tent
specifically just for garb & dressing. Guys & gals took turns using
it.
SkyeDS: nods
SkyeDS: was thinkin with that 3 tent set up arthur could have his own
space
SkyeDS: but he wouldn't like that
evile: Might be OK if he coudl still hear you. otherwise, beware the
screech-fest...
SkyeDS: it is interesting to look at. a 3 earth pimple habitrail :)
evile: heh.
SkyeDS: also looked into truck tents but they were costly and I don't
want to unhitch trailer
evile: yeah. more trouble than it's worth
evile: The DOL lady is going to get an eyeful, even if we look busy
tomorrow & Friday--Tomorrow's a big fatass luncheon for my unit's May
Bdays, Friday's a big fatass pizza lunch for the Dept.
SkyeDS: lol
evile: *sigh* Oh well.
SkyeDS: yawn
evile: me too, man. I've been ready for my nap allll day!
SkyeDS: bank just now called back
SkyeDS: has no clue what's going on
SkyeDS: has to look into it.
evile: ARGH!
evile: I guess you'll have to work your way up the bank foodchain,
chewing asses every step of the way. How hassley.
SkyeDS: not a tasty prospect
evile: no indeed.
evile: Well, time for me to put paper here & there...& get Aunt L's
lotto #'s
SkyeDS: wind to your wings
evile: *hugs* Good luck with the bank!
SkyeDS: hugs

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