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"Is It Ever Right to Break Up the Family?"
This is from You Can Be Free by Ginny NiCarthy and Sue Davidson. I've noticed that the majority of literature on domestic abuse is about women abused by men. However, I know same-sex couples in which abuse exists, and I know of at least 1 heterosexual relationship in which the female is the abuser. To that end, I am transcribing this chapter with as much gender-neutral usage as possible, without cluttering up the words too much to obscure their meaning.
---------------
Maybe you've decided what you want to do. You want to leave the person who abuses you. But you're not sure it's what you should do. You may have thoughts like these:
"A man's place is with his woman"
"A woman doesn't leave just because of a few family fights"
"You can't run away from your problems."
"The family should stay together through thick and thin and work things out."
WHOSE IDEAS?
Where do these thoughts come from? Are they your ideas, or someone else's? Are they what your mother says? Your spouse? Your minister? Your counselor? Your father?
Once you know where the ideas come from, you can decide whether you agree. Do you really believe these things? Or do you just say them to yourself without thinking about what they mean? Do you think a spouse should stick by their partner, no matter how he treats him?
You may decide that it's wrong to put up with an abusive partner. But you're still not sure you should leave. You worry a lot over thoughts like these:
"She'll fall apart."
"He has nothing else."
"She'll kill herself."
"I can't deprive him of the kids."
WILL S/HE REALLY FALL APART?
People do "crack up." They do kill themselves. What are the chances that your worst fears will come true? No one can say for sure. But some questions may help sort things out.
Has s/he "cracked up" before? Has s/he tried suicide or had a mental breakdown in the past? If s/he had mental problems before you met, you're not the cause of them.
S/he may crack up again if you leave. But s/he may not. S/he may be able to handle stress better now than in the past. It isn't true that everything s/he does depends on you.
Has s/he talked about suicide? There is a common belief that people who talk about suicide don't do it. This is not true.
You can't really be sure what s/he'll do. But that doesn't mean you have to stay. And there may be ways you can help your partner. Just remember that your first job is to help yourself.
How Can You Help?
If you decide to leave, you might find someone to stay with your partner. Friends or family members might help. They have to be people your partner is willing to be with.
S/he can also seek the help of a counselor. You can suggest that your lover go to counseling. But that's all you can do. The rest is up to your partner.
Remember, there is a limit to what you can do to help. Sooner or later, s/he has to help him/herself. Your partner has to stop leaning on you. If s/he won't, then you're right back where you started.
WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN?
Suppose that you have decided to leave. You have decided to take the children. Your spouse may be very angry or hurt. S/he may say that it's the end of the parental relationship with them. That you'll turn them against him/her. That they'll grow away from him/her.
That might make you feel too guilty to leave. But there's no reason to accept the picture your partner has drawn. A parent and their children can be close without living in the same house. The relationship will depend a lot on how the parent acts.
Some parents normally spend little time with their children. They may see them a few minutes before bedtime. They might spend half a weekend day with them. A parent may actually spend more time with their children ater a separation. S/he may have to care for them for twenty-four hours, for the first time. When s/he takes care of their daily needs, s/he may feel closer to them.
However, you may decide you must cut all ties. You may need to disappear so that your partner can't find you. This would be the case if s/he is a threat to your life. Or a threat to your children's lives.
Parents sometimes threaten to kidnap children. Usually, it's an empty threat. But it does happen. If you think it really might happen, you need legal advice. You may also want to see a counselor, to cope with your anxiety.
CHILD ABUSE
Are your children battered, as well as you? Many adults think it's all right to hit children to punish them. They may not know child abuse when they see it.
Child abuse is punishment that has gotten out of control. It's punishment that puts cuts, welts, burns, or bruises on a child. It can result in lifelong damage, or death. A child needs to be kept safely away from an abuser. Children don't have the power to protect themselves.
If your children are abused, you can take steps to protect them. The best way is to leave the abuser and take the children with you.
You may fear that your abusive spouse will get custody if you separate. But there are some ways you can guard against that. Let other people know that your partner abuses the children. Be sure you take the children to a doctor when their parent hurts them. Do this whether or not they need treatment. Ask the doctor to record the injuries. You'll be able to use the record later if there's a custody dispute.
Are you the one who's violent to the children? The first step in solving the problem is to admit it. The second step is asking for help. This may be hard to do. But you'll be relieved once your secret is out. People who understand your problem are there to give you practical help. You will learn better ways to discipline and enjoy your children. Look in the telephone book for these helpful people:
*Parents Anonymous
*a counselor or crisis line
*state health/welfare services, children's protective division.
....
WHAT DO THE CHILDREN DESERVE
What positive things do children gain from their parent? Love? Security? Affection? Respect? Money? Stability? Fun?
Don't assume they'll lose all these if they're not living with their parent. They may just get them in different ways, at different times. Custody plans can allow for an ongoing relationship.
There may be less money for the children. This can be hard for them. But is it as hard for them as living with a parent who batters? Do they deserve the right to be free of fear? The right to be free of humiliation?
Perhaps the parent does not bully and insult the children. This emotional abuse may be confined to you. But the children see the brutal treatment of you. They might grow up thinking that's the way adults treat each other. Would you like them to learn something different?
If you stay, you set an example. The child sees an adult who is helpless in the face of violence. The message is: "When people you love hit you, you just have to take it."
....
Many people believe that children are better off in two-parent homes. In fact, there is no evidence that they are. It depends upon what kind of home it is. There is some evidence that males who have violent fathers may become violent adults.
Female children are influenced, as well. They may accept battering as normal behavior for a mate. In their turn, they may become victims as adults.
Your children deserve as safe a home as you can provide. They deserve a home where people respect each other. They deserve a chance to grow into healthy adults.
---------------
Maybe you've decided what you want to do. You want to leave the person who abuses you. But you're not sure it's what you should do. You may have thoughts like these:
"A man's place is with his woman"
"A woman doesn't leave just because of a few family fights"
"You can't run away from your problems."
"The family should stay together through thick and thin and work things out."
Where do these thoughts come from? Are they your ideas, or someone else's? Are they what your mother says? Your spouse? Your minister? Your counselor? Your father?
Once you know where the ideas come from, you can decide whether you agree. Do you really believe these things? Or do you just say them to yourself without thinking about what they mean? Do you think a spouse should stick by their partner, no matter how he treats him?
You may decide that it's wrong to put up with an abusive partner. But you're still not sure you should leave. You worry a lot over thoughts like these:
"She'll fall apart."
"He has nothing else."
"She'll kill herself."
"I can't deprive him of the kids."
People do "crack up." They do kill themselves. What are the chances that your worst fears will come true? No one can say for sure. But some questions may help sort things out.
Has s/he "cracked up" before? Has s/he tried suicide or had a mental breakdown in the past? If s/he had mental problems before you met, you're not the cause of them.
S/he may crack up again if you leave. But s/he may not. S/he may be able to handle stress better now than in the past. It isn't true that everything s/he does depends on you.
Has s/he talked about suicide? There is a common belief that people who talk about suicide don't do it. This is not true.
You can't really be sure what s/he'll do. But that doesn't mean you have to stay. And there may be ways you can help your partner. Just remember that your first job is to help yourself.
How Can You Help?
If you decide to leave, you might find someone to stay with your partner. Friends or family members might help. They have to be people your partner is willing to be with.
S/he can also seek the help of a counselor. You can suggest that your lover go to counseling. But that's all you can do. The rest is up to your partner.
Remember, there is a limit to what you can do to help. Sooner or later, s/he has to help him/herself. Your partner has to stop leaning on you. If s/he won't, then you're right back where you started.
Suppose that you have decided to leave. You have decided to take the children. Your spouse may be very angry or hurt. S/he may say that it's the end of the parental relationship with them. That you'll turn them against him/her. That they'll grow away from him/her.
That might make you feel too guilty to leave. But there's no reason to accept the picture your partner has drawn. A parent and their children can be close without living in the same house. The relationship will depend a lot on how the parent acts.
Some parents normally spend little time with their children. They may see them a few minutes before bedtime. They might spend half a weekend day with them. A parent may actually spend more time with their children ater a separation. S/he may have to care for them for twenty-four hours, for the first time. When s/he takes care of their daily needs, s/he may feel closer to them.
However, you may decide you must cut all ties. You may need to disappear so that your partner can't find you. This would be the case if s/he is a threat to your life. Or a threat to your children's lives.
Parents sometimes threaten to kidnap children. Usually, it's an empty threat. But it does happen. If you think it really might happen, you need legal advice. You may also want to see a counselor, to cope with your anxiety.
Are your children battered, as well as you? Many adults think it's all right to hit children to punish them. They may not know child abuse when they see it.
Child abuse is punishment that has gotten out of control. It's punishment that puts cuts, welts, burns, or bruises on a child. It can result in lifelong damage, or death. A child needs to be kept safely away from an abuser. Children don't have the power to protect themselves.
If your children are abused, you can take steps to protect them. The best way is to leave the abuser and take the children with you.
You may fear that your abusive spouse will get custody if you separate. But there are some ways you can guard against that. Let other people know that your partner abuses the children. Be sure you take the children to a doctor when their parent hurts them. Do this whether or not they need treatment. Ask the doctor to record the injuries. You'll be able to use the record later if there's a custody dispute.
Are you the one who's violent to the children? The first step in solving the problem is to admit it. The second step is asking for help. This may be hard to do. But you'll be relieved once your secret is out. People who understand your problem are there to give you practical help. You will learn better ways to discipline and enjoy your children. Look in the telephone book for these helpful people:
*Parents Anonymous
*a counselor or crisis line
*state health/welfare services, children's protective division.
....
What positive things do children gain from their parent? Love? Security? Affection? Respect? Money? Stability? Fun?
Don't assume they'll lose all these if they're not living with their parent. They may just get them in different ways, at different times. Custody plans can allow for an ongoing relationship.
There may be less money for the children. This can be hard for them. But is it as hard for them as living with a parent who batters? Do they deserve the right to be free of fear? The right to be free of humiliation?
Perhaps the parent does not bully and insult the children. This emotional abuse may be confined to you. But the children see the brutal treatment of you. They might grow up thinking that's the way adults treat each other. Would you like them to learn something different?
If you stay, you set an example. The child sees an adult who is helpless in the face of violence. The message is: "When people you love hit you, you just have to take it."
....
Many people believe that children are better off in two-parent homes. In fact, there is no evidence that they are. It depends upon what kind of home it is. There is some evidence that males who have violent fathers may become violent adults.
Female children are influenced, as well. They may accept battering as normal behavior for a mate. In their turn, they may become victims as adults.
Your children deserve as safe a home as you can provide. They deserve a home where people respect each other. They deserve a chance to grow into healthy adults.
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