evile: (clutter)
There seems to be a giant rash of faux apologies going around my friends list in Facebook lately. People saying things like "I tend to be brash and don't realize I've hurt someone's feelings until after it's too late," and "I hurt you and you broke my heart and I know you won't forgive me," and "I'm such a terrible person," bla bla bla. And that is to say nothing of the sorrowful kittens and puppehs with cute little captions about "I sowwy"...e.Gads.

What is the point, exactly, of making such announcements to the world at large? Would it not be more productive to actually approach the person you think is angry with you, in a forum less public than Facebook, to try and sort things out?

But then I had my A-HA moment and realized that all these apologies are just dramatic productions with no intention of apology, forgiveness, or reconciliation at heart. Just a big show, oh poor pitiful me, look how hard I tried to get so and so to forgive me, and isn't so and so such a big fat stupid jerk for not forgiving me...uh huh.

evile: (dorothy)
So, every once in a while, I check out shrink4men.com. Something I see time and again is a guy chiming in on the ‘comments’ section, saying things like “My wife/girlfriend screams at me, spits at me, throws things at me, slaps me, breaks my stuff, (etc etc) should I get out?”…the answer, of course, being, “effing DUH, dude,” but then hindsight and memory kick in and I realize that it’s not always that simple; there are kids involved, there’s property, there’s pets, not to mention it was a long slippery slope from the first day they fell in love to the night she kept him up all night crying and screaming at him and finally to the day she started slapping him around and stomping on his iphone. And he still loves her. And he thinks if he just finds the perfect thing to do/say/be, she won't do it again and she will love him again the way she did during the great times when they first got together.

It seems so insane, but there’s such a gradual progression to that point of insanity, you literally do not notice, or you have somehow managed to hone your powers of denial to apply a thick coat of “it’s not so bad”…

Here’s where the light bulb went off for me. You know that old saying about how “if someone doesn’t treat the waiter nice, s/he’s not a nice person”? In my relationship with fungus_finger, I came to finally see that my ex was much nicer and more considerate to waitstaff than he was to me or my family.

And then there came a realization that if I was just meeting this man today, and this was our first date, there is NO WAY in HELL that I would tolerate being treated the way he had gradually come to treat me. I would have no place in my life, ATALL, PERIOD, for such a rude, slovenly stranger. So why the heck was I putting up with being treated that way by someone with whom I’d chosen to make a lifetime commitment and I thought had made a similar commitment to me??? Did I really want to spend the rest of my life being ignored, belittled, verbally assaulted, physically intimidated, picking up his messes, paying his bills, surrounded by his garbage, cooking and cleaning and functioning as not much more than a human Fleshlight? NO. And not just NO, but HELL FUCKING NO!

Sometimes all it takes is a fresh look at something to finally see it for what it is. Would you accept the way your partner treats you if they were a stranger on the street or a person on a first date? Would you feel comfortable if a dear friend was being treated the way your SO treats you? If the answer is no, it may be time to make a plan, get safe, and get that person GONE from your life.


Aug. 3rd, 2012 06:59 pm
evile: (cookie Cat)
I have had an experience with A person, B event, or C place that is not the same as yours.
That does not automatically translate to “I think you’re lying”

I have an opinion that differs from yours.
That does not automatically translate to “I am attacking you.”

A bad thing happened to you.
That does not automatically mean that you get to go around saying “I am a good person, and other people are bad people.”

Bad things happen to good people. Bad things happen to bad people. Bad things happen to everyone, all the time. Sometimes as a result of bad decision. Sometimes you're doing something stupid. Sometimes because you’re just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Sometimes you’re trying to do something good and it blows up in your face. Sometimes the bad thing that happens is something that the other person isn't even aware of at the time, and it's in no way aimed at you, personally (standing at the bus stop on a rainy day, someone drives by in a hurry and splashes water on you...) Shit happens. All the time. To everyone.

Demonizing others does not help your cause. Attacking others does not help your credibility. Deciding you’ve been attacked and demonized and running around screaming “I’m a victim!” does not invite people to admire you.

You have the right to your thoughts and feelings. But please realize that putting aside your feelings, organizing your thoughts and presenting events as objectively as possible is the best possible way to win friends and influence people.

Unless you just want headshaking and pity. In which case, just keep on doin' what you're doin'.
evile: (Poly)

BTW, Newty-newt, the time to ask your partner for an open relationship is BEFORE you start sleeping with other people. EVEN I KNOW THAT AND I SUCKED AT POLY!

Honestly, I think it would be great to have more politicians who are in non traditional relationships that involve OPENNESS & HONESTY with their partner(s). Too bad politics is all about who can be the biggest, richest, most lyin-ist fuckbag out there.
evile: (Default)
I got home from a Costco run with my aunt and just started to unload my car when I heard a car accident on the road behind me and a couple houses off to my left.

I didn't see the accident, but I saw the car that pulled away--red jeep, adult male driver who appeared hispanic or India-indian, got his plate # but did not see what state it was from. I didn't think it was a Tx plate. I wrote the info down and then I took my dairy into the house and put it away (was that rude & insensitive or practical of me? I dunno)

Then I took my written-down info to the guy. He was pretty shaken, had a bruise and what looked like a puncture on his right forearm, was walking very stiffly. Both airbags had gone off, the front end of was crushed in. He was very grateful for the info, he was on his cel phone to the cops, I guess. Another neighbor had pulled over to help and tried to get the car to move to the side of the road but it wasn't going anywhere.

As I headed back to my house, making sure the guy was Ok and didn't need anything else, I looked back and saw that the bus was stopped behind the car, unsure if he could drive around and between the werecked car and cars parked on the curb. I heard a woman in a truck screaming "move it, asshole!"

I fought back the urge to yell "Get some compassion, you FUCKING BITCH!" back at her...

It was a hard fight, and I still feel like I shoulda yelled that.
evile: (Celtic Knot)
Good name in man and woman, dear my lord,
Is the immediate jewel of their souls:
Who steals my purse steals trash; 'tis something, nothing;
'Twas mine, 'tis his, and has been slave to thousands:
But he that filches from me my good name
Robs me of that which not enriches him
And makes me poor indeed.

==William Shakespeare, Othello

It just keeps coming up...in my own life as well as in those around me. Reputation. Character. Good Name. Looking through my life and my possessions, it's all I really own. It's all that will be left of me when I'm gone (well, ok, maybe a cornea or a kidney or something, too, but that's too literal for this post)

I may not always do the right thing according to conventional morality or YOUR morality (whoever you are reading this right now), but I always try to do the thing that allows me to be the person I think I am, a person I can respect, the best possible "me".

Being a person I can respect is important to me. I keep my word even when it hurts. I tell the truth when it needs telling, even when THAT hurts. I am trying to learn better discernment on when the truth needs telling and when to just shut up. Given a choice between unnecessary hurtful truth, a lie and silence, I will take silence. Don't push me when I'm being quiet. Really, don't.

I try very hard to be respectful of others, even if I believe they are stupid, shallow, misinformed, blind, mentally ill, or otherwise impaired in their judgements. If someone is saying or doing something wrong and stupid and the only person it's hurting is themselves*, I have learned from bitter experience to leave them to it.

I've also learned that being respectful to myself and others is far more likely to gain others' respect than any amount of hot air, puffery, or self-aggrandizement. I try to keep my words and behavior in agreement with one another. People will observe my actions far more than they will hear my words: If you say you are a person of honor and then behave dishonorably, others will believe that you are dishonorable no matter how many pretty words you use to try and justify poor behavior.

Likewise, there is no need to talk badly about anyone; their own words and actions will show their character without any assistance from you and it just makes you look low and petty. There is no reason to give a person you don't care for any of your time and energy by talking about them. Let them be.

It seems like a good time to refamiliarize myself with The Four Agreements:

Be Impeccable With Your Word
Don’t Take Anything Personally
Don’t Make Assumptions
Always Do Your Best

*otoh, if someone's actions or words are hurting someone I care about, all bets are off. I'm NOT a saint.
evile: (future)
I was browsing through friends' LJs and memories and such and I found this quote. It's brilliant and perfect for today:

from http://zoethe.livejournal.com/170683.html:
Read more... )
According to Webster's Dictionary, drama is "a state, situation or series of events involving intense conflict or force." Passion, on the other hand, is defined as "a devotion to some activity, object or concept." Read more... )
evile: (TX)
Maybe forever.

NOT for public discussion. questions? ask ME. )

all comments are being screened.
evile: (TX)
This is a clarification/expansion of my last post. It's not just about money, it's about reciprocating, in whatever ways you can, when you have people in your life that you care about and want to have a relationship with. I probably don't have enough time right now to say this right, but I am going to try.

Until a couple of years ago, my only friend in Austin was a person I'd been friends with all my life. Our mothers were friends in college. We literally knew each other from birth.Read more... )

In contrast to that 'friendship,' I now find myself in the company of a wonderfully diverse bunch of people who seem to value me for...ME.Read more... )

And yet, in the midst of this newfound blessing, I find myself slipping back into the old pattern of giving and doing for someone who is not reciprocating. And unsure, unable, unwilling to ASK for what I would like from them. Hints haven't been good, and hinting has made me feel hypocritical and uncomfortable, as I like to pretend that I'm very outspoken and blunt and always say what I think. I don't want to become a doormat. I don't want to lose a friend. But when all is said and done, I'd rather cut that person loose now than waste any more of my life being used. I guess I am really meant to learn how to ask for what I need from people, how to tell people "no" and stop being a doormat. It's a tough lesson. Bear with me, please. I am trying.

{edit} Here's another thought I had:
Friendship means I have the right to ask for what I want. And you have the right to ask for what you want. Asking for what you need does not in any way obligate the other person to give it to you. If you are unable or unwilling to meet my stated desires or needs, you can say "no", and I reserve that right as well. One NO is not a deal-breaker, it will not end the friendship. A series of NO's, a constant NO, will eventually lead me to believe that since you're unwilling or unable to be a friend on the level I desire, I should seek friendship elsewhere.
evile: (TX)

So...Friendship. Trust. Love. and Childfreedom.

Just a few of the issues that have been flying in the shitstorm that has been my life the past few days.

1. Friendship. Read more... )

2. Trust is my number one.Read more... )

3. Unconditional Love is what you get from dogs and God/ess.Read more... )

4. Childfreedom.Read more... )


Anyhoo...sorry for this long-ass rant.

I am so very done.


evile: (Default)

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