evile: (hedgehog1)
Today is my brother's birthday. Over the miles and misunderstandings that separate us, I am still sending all my love, always.

Happy Birthday Eric

evile: (2014)
Today's thought from Hazelden is:

How much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of it.
--Marcus Aurelius



Anger shatters our calm. Some of us show it in loud bursts; others just quietly stew. Sometimes we feel angry inside but we still want to look kind and unperturbed, so our anger comes out sideways, hurting someone indirectly or in sneaky ways. We all have felt the pangs of regret after we said or did something in anger. We wish we could magically turn back the clock and undo the moment, gather up the pieces, and put them back together again.

No one can simply banish the basic human emotion of anger from his life. To be responsible, we must accept our anger. It arises from within us and handling it is our own responsibility, even when we are perfectly justified in feeling angry. We choose our way to express it. It is never responsible to say, "You made me angry, so it's your fault that I blew up."

After accepting our anger we strive to develop a space between the feeling and our actions. We learn to notice our feelings before they reach the explosion point. In that mental space we choose how to express them.

Today I will notice and accept my anger, than choose respectful ways to express it.





You are reading from the book:

Wisdom to Know by Anonymous

Wisdom to Know © 2005 by Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No portion of this publication may be reproduced in any manner without the permission of Hazelden.

evile: (Pippi Longstocking)
Today's thought from Hazelden is:

Coping with Families

There are many paths to self-care with families. Some people choose to sever connections with family members for a period of time. Some people choose to stay connected with family members and learn different behaviors. Some disconnect for a time, and then return slowly on a different basis.

There is no one or perfect way to deal with members of our family in recovery. It is up to each of us to choose a path that suits us and our needs at each point in time.

The idea that is new to us in recovery is that we can choose. We can set the boundaries we need to set with family members. We can choose a path that works for us, without guilt and obligation or undue influence from any source, including recovery professionals. Our goal is to be able to take care of ourselves, love ourselves, and live healthy lives despite what family members do or don't do. We decide what boundaries or decisions are necessary to do this.

God, help me choose the path that is right for me with family. Help me understand there is no right or wrong in this process. Help me strive for forgiveness and learn to detach with love, whenever possible. I understand that this never implies that I have to forfeit self-care and health for the good of the system.





You are reading from the book:

The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie

The Language of Letting Go © 1990 by Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No portion of this publication may be reproduced in any manner without the permission of Hazelden.

evile: (2014)
AKA "Love does not rejoice in the suffering of others" (Even when those others are suffering because they have done stupid things and made bad choices.)

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

The gift of love means this: I want to share with you whatever I have that is good.
--John Powell, S.J.



How loving are we, really? Do we keep score when we do favors for a friend, keeping in mind that we're owed one? Do we hoard rather than share a favorite treat, hoping to prolong our own feast? And the good mood, when it's ours, do we use it to help another raise her spirits or do we secretly gloat because we're "in a better place"?

The opportunity to respond with love visits us throughout each day. A smile, a kind gesture, including someone in a conversation, noticing a job well done, are acts of love, acts that connect our hearts, at least for a moment.

When someone has shared love with us in some form, we notice it and are moved.



You are reading from the book:

Worthy of Love by Karen Casey

Worthy of Love by Karen Casey. © 1985 by Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No portion of this publication may be reproduced in any manner without the permission of Hazelden.


 

evile: (hugs)
This is timely. My father's birthday was Friday. I miss him and I am sad that I did not get to know him better.

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

Children do not know how their parents love them, and they never will till the grave closes over those parents, or till they have children of their own.
--Edmund Vance Cooks



As adults, we may feel we were cheated out of a "normal" childhood because of our parents' emotional, physical, or spiritual failings. We may think they should never be forgiven for their actions or inactions when we were young.

Yet imagine what our lives would be like today if we did not forgive. We would be bitter, stomping angrily through life with a clipboard in hand, ready to write down the name of the next person who crosses us. It's time to throw away the clipboard and the names on it - including the names of our parents.

The program teaches us to love those who come into our lives, even if we don't like them. It teaches us forgiveness through our Higher Power. We do not have to like our parents, but we can love them. By the same token, we need to realize our parents love us in their special way. They aren't perfect - and neither are we.

Help me remember my parents did the best they could with what they had. That's all anyone can really do.





You are reading from the book:

Night Light by Amy E. Dean

Night Light by Amy E. Dean. © 1986, 1992 by Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No portion of this publication may be reproduced in any manner without the permission of Hazelden.

evile: (clutter)
Today's thought from Hazelden is:

I was 35 years old the first time I spoke up to my mother and refused to buy into her games and manipulation. . .I didn't have to start an argument. But I could say what I wanted and needed to say to take care of myself. I learned I could love and honor myself, and still care about my mother - the way I wanted to - [not] the way she wanted me to.


--Anonymous



Who knows better how to push our buttons than family members? Who, besides family members, do we give such power? No matter how long we or our family members have been recovering, relationships with family members can be provocative. One telephone conversation can put us in an emotional and psychological tailspin that lasts for hours or days.

The process of detaching in love from family members can take years. So can the process of learning how to react in a more effective way. We cannot control what they do or try to do, but we can gain some sense of control over how we choose to react.

Stop trying to make them act or treat us any differently. Unhook from their system by refusing to try to change or influence them. Their patterns, particularly their patterns with us, are their issues. How we react, or allow these patterns to influence us, is our issue. How we take care of ourselves is our issue.

We can take care of ourselves with family members without feeling guilty. We can learn to be assertive with family members without being aggressive. We can set the boundaries we need and want to set with family members without being disloyal to the family.

We can learn to love our family without forfeiting love and respect for ourselves.

Today, help me start practicing self-care with family members. Help me know that I do not have to allow their issues to control my life, my day, or my feelings. Help me know its okay to have all my feelings about family members, without guilt or shame.









You are reading from the book:

The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie

The Language of Letting Go © 1990 by Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No portion of this publication may be reproduced in any manner without the permission of Hazelden.

evile: (Pippi Longstocking)
Today's thought from Hazelden is:

What I said never changed anybody; what they understood did.
--Paul. P.



How often have we given our all to change somebody else? How frantically have we tried to force a loved one to see the light? How hopelessly have we watched a destructive pattern - perhaps a pattern we know well from personal experience - bring terrible pain to someone who is dear to us?

All of us have.

We would do anything to save the people we love. In our desperation, we imagine that if we say just the right words in just the right way, our loved ones will understand.

If change happens, we think our efforts have succeeded.

If change doesn't happen, we think our efforts have failed. But neither is true. Even our best efforts don't have the power to change someone else. Nor do we have that responsibility. People are only persuaded by what they understand. And they, as we, can understand a deeper truth only when it is their time to grow toward deeper understanding. Not before.

Today, I will focus on changing myself and entrust those I love to the Higher Power who loves them even more than I do.









You are reading from the book:

Days of Healing, Days of Joy by Earnie Larsen and Carol Larsen Hegarty

Days of Healing, Days of Joy by Earnie Larsen and Carol Larsen Hegarty. © 1987, 1992 by Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No portion of this publication may be reproduced in any manner without the permission of Hazelden.

evile: (snake)
These are some pretty radical thoughts. There's a big part of me that wants to say "But if someone cares about me, wouldn't they _____?" and I think that's a dark road of emotional manipulation just waiting to be taken.

I think internalizing these and making them work for me will be very empowering.

=============

* You alone are responsible for the level of satisfaction with the interactions you choose to have.

* If your strategies for interacting don't work, there's no point in blaming the other person.

* The best question to ask yourself isn't, "Who's responsible for my pain?" but "What can I do about it?"

* You can't expect others to change or be any different than they are.

* Relationships come down to two fundamental choices: adapt or let go.

* As an adult, you're never a victim (though you may have been a victim as a child, betrayed and neglected by the very people responsible for your care and nurturing).

From Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds and Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem

more good stuff here
evile: (deadmoon)

Good Grief


"The strangest thing happened," said my friend, a lovably neurotic, very obsessive businessman in his mid-forties.


"I was watching one of those afternoon TV talk shows. This one was about problem kids. A parent comes on. She talks about how out of control her child is. Then a parenting expert comes on. He does tough love with the kids, like a drill sergeant, screaming and getting in their faces. Then he takes the troubled kids for a week and straightens them out.


"So this nine-year-old boy comes on. He's been a monster. Killing animals in the neighborhood. Driving his mother nuts. The drill sergeant guy gets right up in this kid's face. He's screaming. 'You think you're tough? You're a tough guy?'


"The expert's screaming at the kid. The kid is just standing there. And I'm watching this thinking, 'Maybe this kid is just a bad seed.'


"'How'd you like me to come home with you for a week? Be in your face like this all the time,' the expert hollered. 'Would you like that?'


"'Yes,' the boy said.


"'What did you say? Yes? You'd like that? Why would you like that?'


"'Because I don't have a dad,'" the kid said. The boy's lip quivered. The expert got silent. The audience went nuts. But that's not the strange thing," my friend said. "Melody, I started crying. Sobbing like a baby. I haven't cried for ten years."


"What do you think that was about?" I asked.


"I realized how much I missed having a dad," he said. "When people asked me, I always said it wasn't important. I didn't know until I saw that show and started crying that you could miss something you never had."


Sometimes we don't know what or whom we're missing.


"How can I stop feeling so blue about being separated from my children?" another friend asked when business had taken him away from home for a month.


"You're asking the wrong person," I said. "It has been eleven years since my son died, and I still miss him every day."


Grief. It may strike suddenly, catching our heart by surprise. Or it may pound relentlessly and persistently for years, like ocean waves beating on the shore.


Whether we're conscious of what or whom we're missing, our heart knows. We may never be happy about our loss, but it is possible to be happy again.


Grief isn't an abnormal condition. It's nature's way of healing our heart.


 

You are reading from the book:

52 Weeks of Conscious Contact by Melody Beattie

52 Weeks of Conscious Contact © 2003 by Melody Beattie. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No portion of this publication may be reproduced in any manner without the permission of Hazelden.

Ok

Nov. 5th, 2012 11:10 pm
evile: (bike)
I've posted in LJ, FB, and G+ where and when I'm going to be this Saturday; those who fuss and whine that I'm 'harassing' and 'stalking' have no excuse to act surprised or upset if they arrive at the event and have to see me.

Fairly warned be ye, sez I.
evile: (Birthday)
Happy Birthday Eric




NOVEMBER 2012
SCORPIO/SCORPIO RISING
Read more... )

Love ya, butthead.
evile: (deadmoon)


Today's thought from Hazelden is:

We like someone because, we love someone although.
--Henri de Montherlant


Families are like scissors. They are joined in the middle but often spread wide apart, moving away from each other. When we're not feeling close to other family members - when it's hard even to like them - it seems as though we'll never come together again.


But pity the scrap of paper that comes between our scissor blades! The scissors works together again and slices the trouble clean. When trouble threatens our family, we can slice it through if we move together in love and acceptance.


No matter our small differences, we are part of the same living organism, in a way. The family we live in has been together for many generations, and we are just the most recent members. When we look at one another, we see the products of centuries of love.


When I feel distant from my family, can I locate where we are still joined together?

You are reading from the book:

Today's Gift by Anonymous

Today's Gift © 1985, 1991 by Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No portion of this publication may be reproduced in any manner without the permission of Hazelden.

evile: (monkey)
Someone who is a friend of mine and also a friend of my SIL skye_ds sent me what appears to be a cut and paste from "Skye"s facebook status. the message reads as follows:


Andrea 'Skye' Drake Stephan They're lucky I stopped with just Separated. Either of them so much as thinks about breathing in the direction of pushing me further, and it will be Single.

just thought you should know that she is basicly dumping eric and marcus dunno how long it will last she does this often but for some reason think this time its for real


So...first thought: BREATHE, BREATHE LITTLE MAN!!!!!

second: does she actually think that changing your Facebook relationship status is some sort of legally-binding action?

and third: the person who forwarded me this is the same person who told me I was a bad person for getting "skye" kicked out of the steampunk community [which I didn't actually do], because "skye" was just trying to help Pioneer Farms [whatever.]! and also bitched at me for telling her about the Sherwood Faire clusterfluff in which someone didn't get invited to the Sherwood celtic fest, threw a passive agressive hissy fit in order to get invited, and so apparently to get back at the hosts and other invited guests, extended an invitation to "skye." And what I said about that was basically something like "If 'skye' wasn't such a miserable bitch, I'd feel very sorry for her for having such a shitty friend, who is knowingly bringing her to hang out with a group of people who dislike her,"

Annnnyhoo....I am not holding my breath.

Apparently this is a pattern for "Skye", to get mad and throw man or men out, and then to eventually get over it after said man or men has groveled about, posted in their LJ or the Poly Austin Yahoo group, or wherever, about what a terrible person he is for making "Skye" so mad she had to beat him (or whatever), and after some public humiliation [often involving her forcing them to kneel and apologize in front of everyone, from what I've been told by members of her HFS kingdom]...everything will be 'forgiven' {read: she will save this misdeed to throw back in their face another day, but for now they will be permitted to once again live in her home, serve her, feed and care for her animals and vehicles, pay her bills, and enjoy her company. ugh.}

Anyhoo..........whatever whatever. I don't know why the person sent me that info if she doesn't want me talking shit about "skye" to her. I thanked her for the info and left it at that.
evile: (Default)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jze2xTcukc0

"Years of silence, not enough Who could blame us giving up? Above the quiet there's a buzz That's me trying."

Daddy's best friend Bill tells me there will always be regrets, that we just have to live with them and go on. There's no point in beating up on myself because of all the things I shoulda, coulda, woulda...

I'm grateful for the almost two years I got to reconnect with him. I'm sorry for all the years we weren't in touch. But there's nothing to do about that now, except live and be with the people I love who love me. And try to be at peace with the burned bridges, too.
evile: (deadmoon)


Today it rained for the first time since the morning my father died.

People ask how I am and I want to say “My father is dead,”

That’s not what you’re supposed to say.

Not what you're allowed to say.

You’re supposed to say “fine,”

Fine fine.

My father is dead.
evile: (blinky)
http://www.wheresthemoon.com/

Is it loyalty?Or sado-masochism?


The Art and Politics of saying Good-byeRead more... )

all of which reminded me of reading this a few weeks ago.
evile: (cookie Cat)
Daddy


evile: (deadmoon)
My father died this morning. I dreamed about him last night. I said ' when you die, a part of me will die with you. But part of you will live with me and you'll get to do the things that you wanted to do '

He got a 3-6 month prognosis at the end of 2010, and he beat that by a mile. I'm sad that he fought so hard and hurt so much but that is what he wanted to do. He isn't hurting anymore

{edited to add:}
Funeral services are Thursday at 2.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nhGehZDGBaM&feature=youtube_gdata_player
I don't really like the video, but I love these words:


The day will dawn in the future
When you will journey through time.
The stars . . . listen . . . hear them pleading.
They know, dear earthling, what you're needing.

Be true, bring peace and love with you.
Be free, for that is your nature
Believe, though others say it's only pretend,
Then your Star Trek will never end.
evile: (cookie Cat)
Today's thought from Hazelden is:

Is there any stab as deep as wondering where and how much you failed those you loved?
--Florida Scott Maxwell

Treating our loved ones as we hope to be treated is our assurance against failing them. And if we listen to our inner voice, we'll never falter in our actions toward others. There is always a right behavior, a thoughtful response, and a respectful posture.

Let us be mindful that we're sharing our experiences with others who need the talents we have to offer. It's not by coincidence but by design that we're given opportunities to treat those close at hand in some manner. We'd do well to let the choice be loving.

How we treat another invites like treatment. Actions from our heart will soften our own struggles. Also, spiteful, critical treatment of others will hamper our steps. We teach others how to treat us by our gestures and words.

The inner voice can be heard if I choose to listen. It will never guide me wrongly.

You are reading from the book:

The Promise of a New Day by Karen Casey and Martha Vanceburg

The Promise of a New Day by Karen Casey & Martha Vanceburg. © 1983, 1991 by Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No portion of this publication may be reproduced in any manner without the permission of Hazelden.

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evile: (Default)
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