evile: (dorothy)
http://blogs.psychcentral.com/nlp/2016/10/emotional-abuse-5-specific-things-to-say-to-take-back-your-power/

Five Things You Can Say to an Emotional Abuser


1. When someone is making decisions for you.





Are you aware that you’re making this decision for me and without asking me what I want to do? I have my own desires and needs. When you assume what is best for me without asking, I feel controlled, which is upsetting. I’d like to play an active and independent role in our decisions. I am my own person and deserve that respect.



2. When someone criticizes you harshly.


When you talk to me in that tone of voice and say mean words, I feel less than. It hurts in ways I don’t think you understand. Do you mean to hurt my feelings? If you really want me to be sad and hurt, then you’ll keep talking to me that way, but I am asking you to stop.


3. When someone ignores you needs or refuses to help.


My needs are legitimate. When you ignore them by refusing to help me, I feel rejected, like you simply don’t care about me. Do you care about me? If you do, then please be responsive when I need something from you. I care about you and expect the same commitment from you in return.


4. When you are being bullied by an emotional abuser.


You’re bullying me right now. Did you know that? I don’t know how you define bullying, but what you’re doing now is an example of bullying to me. And I’m scared. It’s hard to live with someone you’re scared of and I’d like you to understand that. Will you please stop bullying so that I can feel safe around you?


5. When an emotional abuser is berating children. [pets, employees, other partners]


How you’re communicating to our child [pets, employees, other partners] is mean. Do you see the look on his/her face? I don’t know what kind of relationship you want with your kids [pets, employees, other partners] , but the path you’re on will ultimately lead to no relationship at all. One day, your son/daughter [pets, employees, other partners] will reject you wholeheartedly and you may never hear from him/her/them again – and this is directly related to how you are treating him/her/them now. Is that what you want?


It’s a start. These aren’t magic spells and so are likely to be met with resistance. Still, you need to start somewhere. You need mature and thoughtful words, consistently, in order to set your boundaries and possibly break through to the abuser.


Practice. If you think these scripts help (worded in your style) then use them. Words are powerful tools that can change the world. Not all emotional abusers will change, but some do have that capacity and may ultimately turn a corner.


Only you can decide how much to put up with, if and when you will leave the situation for good. In the meantime, learn the right words to use to empower yourself.



=======================

What helped me leave my abusive relationship?

1) I somehow lucked into a good network of friends: HFS, the Austin Poly Group, the folks at No Kidding, and most importantly the SBC. Their love and support, plus my observations into their relationships--both good and bad--helped me to see my own situation clearly for what it was. And was not.

2) I somehow managed to tap into a fundamental truth about myself that I had let myself forget: I am a good person and I don't deserve to be treated like this. Once that realization came to the surface, I was no longer able to tolerate being mistreated, spoken to rudely, ignored, financially abused, and cheated on.

Thank you to my friends and family. Even, or perhaps especially, the ones I'm not on speaking terms with anymore. My love and gratitude you always have, even if circumstances prevent us from being in one anothers lives at this point in time.
evile: (dorothy)




Men and Women can be abused. Men and Women can be abusers. Abuse can occur in a heterosexual relationship, a homosexual relationship, a polyamorous relationship, or a BDSM relationship. Abuse can occur between parents and children, between friends, or between family members.

Abuse can be physical: punching, slapping, kicking, hitting, stabbing, throwing of objects at a person.

Abuse can be verbal : name calling, putdowns, yelling, cursing, threats, or ultimatums.

Abuse can be emotional: this includes verbal abuse, but also includes gaslighting, denying that one is behaving abusively or negating the victim's feelings and perceptions, humiliation, isolating the victim from friends and family, 'the silent treatment', or threats to harm self, children, pets, or loved ones if the abuser's needs are not met.

Abuse can be financial: The abuser may steal money from the victim. The abuser may deny the victim access to bank accounts, checkbook, credit and/or debit cards. The abuser may force the victim to accept work that is below their skill level in order to keep the victim dependent on the abuser financially. The abuser may not allow the victim to work outside the home and possibly only give them an allowance. The abuser may run up debts on the victim's credit cards that the victim feels obligated to pay.

Abuse can be sexual: this includes unwanted or inappropriate kissing or touching, and of course rape, but can also include withholding sexual intimacy, delivering ultimatums related to sexual behaviors, shaming or belittling their partner's sexual desires or sexual performance, or forcing their partner to go without protection during sex. It can also include demanding 'make up sex' after an episode of physical or verbal abuse.

It is important for both abusers and victims to receive help and support so that they can break free of these unhealthy relationship patterns. If you are being abused, please get help. If you are behaving abusively toward people you love, please get help. If your life or emotions feel out of control, dangerous, or scary, please get help.



evile: (dorothy)
Had an 'interesting' online conversation with a nice older lady who was having conflict with her husband's ex wife and adult children. She proposed training the ex and adult kids as if she was training dogs, which she is apparently an expert dog trainer, with an expert bestfriend who is an experienced expert in training all animals, including marine mammals. I and a few others absolutely could *not* get through to this lady that treating people as if they are animals to be trained is a poor idea. It was 'interesting' to say the least. Boundaries, in her mind, meant that she would say "no cursing in my home" and deliver appropriate punishments if the ex wife or adult children engaged in profanity.

I have struggled, and continue to struggle with appropriate setting and maintaining of boundaries. What I do understand of them, they are not a means of controlling others behavior. They are a means of protecting yourself.

I like what this website has to say about boundaries. The language is simple and easy to understand, but the concepts are very profound. http://www.angriesout.com/DatingAbuse.htm

evile: (Bitchplz)
Here's the entire text of the blog entry I quoted from in my last post. Lots of good stuff here.

The Psychopaths Word Games- Discerning The Motive Of Their Language
Posted on August 8, 2013 by theabilitytoloveRead more... )

Word Salad

Feb. 20th, 2016 07:45 pm
evile: (cookie Cat)
So...there's a thing I'm seeing, both in real life and online and on the political stage, that is a disturbing and seemingly all-pervasive thing. It is an abuse technique in which basically a person uses disjointed words and phrases that 'sound good' in order to hypnotize, lull, confuse, and/or control people. The "Salad-shooter" (if you will) just keeps talking in circles, round and round, up and down, backwards and forwards, either making no sense, or repeating a few central concepts repeatedly until the person listening to them will either a) give up trying to make sense of it and just obey & believe anything they're told or b) get so hypnotized by the cadences and sounds of the words, that they don't see the dagger going for their back.

For me, this explains why so many people have voted for the hateful talking yam; it's not that the yam has put forth any ideas or viable concepts...it's that he keeps repeating the same catchy and upbeat phrases again and again, pounding home the feel-good idea that 'we' are the 'smart' 'winners' and everyone who questions or disagrees with us are 'losers' and 'stupid'...it is dangerous and evil. It is terrifyingly effective. We have seen this before, and we have seen how it goes down. Which is not to say that it won't go down again, in our country, in our lifetime. I'm very worried.

Anyway, if you're interested in how Word Salad works, here are some quotes & articles.

from The Psychopaths Word Games- Discerning The Motive Of Their Language Read more... )
evile: (dorothy)
October is Domestic Violence Awareness month. Many people may ask or wonder or even sarcastically comment that "everyone is AWARE of domestic violence, what's the point of this?"....the point is that many people in abusive relationships may not actually understand that they are being abused. So many media campaigns focus on physical violence, perpetrated by men against women in heterosexual, presumably monogamous, relationships.

And yet this is only the smallest facet, the tiniest percentage of the reality of domestic abuse. A person can be abusive without ever laying a hand on you, a person can be abusive by laying on guilt trips, by keeping you up late at night arguing when you have an important commitment the next day, by crying and pouting when told that the family budget can't accomodate their hobbies or shopping habits, and repeating this manipulative behavior regularly until the family finances are basically in ruins. Abuse can mean being ignored when you ask your partner for what you need. Abuse can mean verbal outbursts that intimidate you into changing your mind about asking for what you need. Abuse can be getting The Silent Treatment until you change yourself to accommodate your abuser's wishes. Abuse can happen between women in intimate partnerships, or between men. Abuse can happen in polyamorous households or within a BDSM relationship. Abuse can even happen between friends.

It's not about physical violence, it's about another person controlling your thoughts, behavior, feelings, relationships and/or finances. It's about another person deciding who you are and what you want, or don't want. It can be a lot more subtle than a slap across the face, and it can keep hurting you for years and years, long after the abuser is gone from your life, because it damages how you think and feel about yourself, and makes you question whether or not you have the 'right' to think, feel, behave the way you do, or want what you want. Long after a bruise would have faded, verbal and emotional abuse can leave you feeling worthless and useless and empty. It can convince you that you're the one who is broken, it's your fault, you deserve the way you are being treated, and that no one will ever treat you any better, so you may as well stay in the relationship you have.

So, yes, it's important to increase awareness of abusive relationships and abusive behaviors, and to always, always ALWAYS be willing to say something when you see it happening. Don't worry if what you are saying is 'the wrong thing'...just the fact that you're willing to say something may be the lifeline that the victim needs to move on.
evile: (dorothy)
Safe Place 24 Hour Hotline: 512.267.SAFE (7233) – for Deaf/HH/Deaf-Blind community, please use relay/VRS.

For my children, I will:
*Tell their school and/or Day Care who is
allowed to pick them up
* Copy my custody papers and my Order of Protection and leave a copy with some one in charge at school and/or Day Care
* Practice our escape plan
* Teach them to remain calm in a crisis situation
and how to call the police
*Limit my children’s knowledge of hiding places and details to prevent them from accidentally telling the abuser

I know that:
* The safety of myself and my children comes
before anything else
* The abuse is not my fault
* I do NOT deserve to be abused
* Through the support of community agencies, friends and family, I can help end the abuse

I have made my home as safe as possible by:
* Changing locks and adding deadbolts
* Hiding sharp objects and weapons
* Making telephones accessible

I have planned and rehearsed an escape route for me and my children by:
* Deciding where we will go in an emergency
* Showing the children what to do if the Batterer breaks in, or comes to their school or day care
* Teaching the children to call the police and safe relatives

I have packed an emergency bag and hidden it. My emergency bag includes:
* Money; cash and change for phone calls
* Clothing for me and my children
* Personal care products like diapers, medicine
* Copies of Court Documents such as my Order of Protection, divorce decree, and custody papers
* Important Documents such as birth certificates, medical records, bank records, insurance, etc…
* Extra keys to the car and house/apartment
* Telephone and address books with shelter and counselors numbers, safe friends and relatives
* My notebook or diary

I have explained my situation, and developed code words and phrases for _______to call police. I have shown them pictures of the abuser and his/her vehicle:
* Children
* Relatives
* Neighbors
* Co-Workers
* Friends
* Children’s School
* Children’s Day Care

I will call the police if the batterer:
* Contacts me
* Threatens me
* Follows me
* Calls me
* Has someone else follow me

I will keep accurate records & photos of events in a notebook or diary of dates and times of:
* Conversations
* Episodes of violence
* Attempts at contact, answering machine tapes/voice mail recordings, photos of caller ID displays

I will get a safe place to hide:
* My emergency bag
* Copies of all important papers
* Extra Money
* Evidence, such as photos and notebook
* Extra sets of keys
* Photos of injuries, damage, Caller ID displays
* Answering machine tapes of calls and threatening messages

I will:
* Practice my escape plan with my children
* Be aware of my surroundings
* Be prepared and alert when walking to and from my car and home
* Stay calm in a panic situation
* Locate police stations and safe places, know where to go if someone is following me
* Keep plenty of gas in my car
* Always put my keys, cel phone and purse/wallet in the same place so I know right where they are in a crisis
* Carefully consider which people will help me in a crisis
* Use my judgment and intuition. I will protect myself and my children, until we are out of danger then I will get help

** When I feel down and ready to return to an abusive situation, I will call ____________ for support**
evile: (2014)
Stress doesn't cause abusive behavior. Mental health issues do not cause abusive behavior. Your behavior is always, always, ALWAYS your choice.

"Remember: partners who are abusive always have a choice about their words and actions."

http://www.thehotline.org/2014/01/blame-shifting-and-minimizing-theres-no-excuse-for-abuse/
evile: (fist)
Let's just take off the band-aid and call a spade a spade. Psychopath. There, I said it. Hindsight being 20/20 & all....

http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2011/11/15/the-psychopaths-hook-love-bombing-sex-and-flattery/

Nobody is lured by anyone through initial criticism and abuse.

text of articleRead more... )
evile: (deadmoon)
So, many friends of mine posted This in facebook. (don't watch it, it's horrible. I almost barfed.)

I commented on a friend's page that that this was very stressful to watch, and a friend of a friend chimed in and said "These things need to be shown. People need to see what is going on and be aware of abuse I shared it on LJ too." Then my friend also told me to repost it. "yes it was hard to watch.... so share it..."

I am not comfortable reposting such on my Fb. And I'm not going to.

For a number of reasons.

One: I have kids, friends and family, friended. They don't need to see that.

and, Two, a biggie: I think a video of a man slapping a woman around while she cries and begs him to stop is a VAST and sort of insulting over simplification of domestic abuse. I think most of us can agree that slapping a person around without their consent is abuse, it is wrong, it should not be tolerated. (And, yet, sadly, there are people whose spouses slap them around and they don't leave, they don't call police, and sometimes if neighbors, friends, kids, or other family call the police, they refuse to press charges, they defend the actions of their abuser, and so on and so forth. Because of the day to day grinding away of their sense of worth by all the verbal and nonviolent ways in which they were abused before that fist ever made contact with flesh, so that by the time the hit came, it was almost a relief and they were sure they deserved it) AWARENESS is not the issue. We are all AWARE that hitting people is bad, mmkay? Fucking duh.

Here's the thing...I am not a stupid person. I even have some pieces of paper from various institutions of higher learning that say so. I know that hitting people is wrong. At some point during the dating phase of my last relationship, I said "you hit me once, and I'm gone," He knew that. And he never hit me. He hit the wall, the furniture, the seat of the car NEAR me, but he never hit ME. he slammed doors. He yelled. he drove erratically with me in the passenger seat when I made him mad. (If I accidentally bumped into him or stepped on his toe, he would deliberately bump me hard enough to hurt, or step on me hard enough to hurt in response. But that wasn't hitting, right? So not abuse, right?) He gave me the silent treatment. He treated my family and friends like crap and talked shit about them so that I gave up spending much time with any of them because it wasn't worth it to me to hear what a loser so and so was or what a bullshitter so and so was. He left garbage all over our house, he didn't clean up after himself. He was briefly unemployed and used that as an excuse to make me start paying for all our household bills (when he became employed again, he didn't pick any of them back up again, though he was making twice what I made at the time. I was going broke and into debt trying to keep the house afloat, while he bought himself cars, toys and gadgets and ran up giant bar tabs every night). I injured myself badly and he didn't take me to the hospital,or the grocery store, or work. I had to do all of those things by myself, on crutches.

If he had hit me ONCE in anger, I would have known "this is abuse, and I am gone"...but he never hit me. So it took YEARS AND YEARS for me to figure out, hey, no shit, I'm being abused.

In my humble opinion, there are a LOT of abusive relationships that are more like what I experienced with my ex, and a LOT that are perpetrated by women against men. So, imho, graphic images of some guy beating the shit out of some woman is an extreme over simplification of abuse, and it doesn't touch on the day to day grinding away of your self esteem by a partner who is always unrelentingly angry, sullen, sarcastic, nasty, uncommunicative, slovenly, rude, unhelpful, uncaring, alcoholic, rolls their eyes when you share an opinion or ask them to do anything, etc.

While we're at it, I should mention it took me some years to figure out that him coming home drunk from the bar and having sex with me while I was asleep was rape, too. Because, duh, it didn't fit the stereotypes of a man beating and shoving a woman around and ripping her clothing and all of that. It didn't hurt me or scare me, at worst it just inconvenienced and annoyed me and/or "just" left me feeling like a convenient hole that he could relieve himself into... so even though it hurt my feelings and made me feel worthless and ugly for reasons I couldn't quite put my finger on at the time, I didn't think it counted as rape. After all, we lived together. We shared a bed. I had consented to having sex with him and initiated having sex with him many times in the past. So it was easier to just let him do his thing and get off so I could go back to sleep and get a little bit more rest before I had to get up for work, rather than keep pushing him away.

I am not dumb. But people who push representations of abuse as men violently hitting women and rape as a vicious attack by strangers are helping to make folks like me feel pretty dumb when they do finally realize that what happened to them was also abuse and rape. And not just dumb, but...hey, I got no bruises, my vagina wasn't bleeding after the 3 minutes of drunk poking, what on earth do I have to complain about, really, right? It hardly counts because there was not that horrible meat-pounding sound of fist hitting flesh and woman crying and saying no again and again and again.

there was just me, feeling worse and worse about myself, feeling hoplesss and depressed and "killing time until time kills me" but there's nothing wrong with my relationship....because there's no hitting. There's no bruised flesh. There's no bleeding. Just the constant daily treatment of someone I loved, who said he loved me, not caring what I say, think, want, or feel. Using me to pay the bills, clean and cook and masturbate into. Not abuse, not rape. Yeah, I was stupid. (And I'd be you money that there are people out there who will hear or read what I went through and say "nope, that's not rape, or abuse,she's just a whiny little bitch"...because that's what I thought, for a long, long time.)
evile: (deadmoon)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TqFaiVNuy1k

I know we weren't supposed to record or take photos during this, but I'm so glad someone did. I was so touched and impressed by the candid, openhearted way he spoke about this, and the compassion he managed to find for his abusive father. I cried there at Comicpalooza 2013, and I've cried every time I've re-watched this video. It is just that powerful and moving.

I had watched the video where he spoke at the Amnesty International event of his father's shame and guilt and apologies after each abusive episode, but then his father would go and do the same thing again and again. At that time, no one could (or WOULD) do anything to help Mr. and Mrs. Stewart to break that sick cycle.

For Sir Patrick to reach past his father the monster to find compassion for the wounded man inside, not just to participate in raising awareness and giving help to an organization for his mother's memory, but also another organization to help people in the name of his father...I am just so in awe of this man.

"Hurt people hurt people"...and Love should NEVER hurt. If you are hurting someone you love, get help. If you are being hurt by someone you love, get help. Love Doesn't Hurt.

Dang it. How many times is this guy gonna make me cry? *sniffle*
evile: (Default)
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/articles/narcissism-understood.htm

an excerpt:

Every Act of Abuse Is Born
From

Emotional
Pain, Fear and a Need to Control.


When we are ‘at one’ there is no need to take, harm,
maim, manipulate or lie.


Narcissism is not a mental condition. It’s
a spiritual / emotional condition.


We’ve all been taught ‘me versus you’ and ‘survival
of the fittest’. Society’s lack of authentic emotional
training left us with the belief that ‘it’s weak’
to be authentic and real.


A narcissist feels terrorized at the thought of vulnerability
(being emotionally honest), and develops a pathological false
self to guard the unresolved emotional wounds.


The narcissist and many other individuals haven’t realised
that establishing healthy boundary
function
and living truthfully in self-honouring ways keeps
us safe, and grants the freedom to be real, navigate
our lives with authenticity, self-love, self-esteem and self-respect
- whilst making decisions that work for the greater good.


Lack of Emotional Intelligence Training created:



  • The Martyr / Co-dependent: “I lose you Win”, and

  • The Narcissist: “I win you Lose”.


Our new world can now create “I win, everyone wins”
mentality, and it’s time this awareness and training took
place.


 

evile: (Celtic Knot)
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/domestic-violence-against-men/MY00557

You might be experiencing domestic violence if your partner:

* Calls you names, insults you or puts you down
* Prevents you from going to work or school
* Stops you from seeing family members or friends
* Tries to control how you spend money, where you go or what you wear
* Acts jealous or possessive or constantly accuses you of being unfaithful
* Gets angry when drinking alcohol or using drugs
* Threatens you with violence or a weapon
* Hits, kicks, shoves, slaps, chokes or otherwise hurts you, your children or your pets
* Assaults you while you're sleeping, you've been drinking or you're not paying attention to make up for a difference in strength
* Forces you to have sex or engage in sexual acts against your will
* Blames you for his or her violent behavior or tells you that you deserve it
* Portrays the violence as mutual and consensual
evile: (dorothy)
So, every once in a while, I check out shrink4men.com. Something I see time and again is a guy chiming in on the ‘comments’ section, saying things like “My wife/girlfriend screams at me, spits at me, throws things at me, slaps me, breaks my stuff, (etc etc) should I get out?”…the answer, of course, being, “effing DUH, dude,” but then hindsight and memory kick in and I realize that it’s not always that simple; there are kids involved, there’s property, there’s pets, not to mention it was a long slippery slope from the first day they fell in love to the night she kept him up all night crying and screaming at him and finally to the day she started slapping him around and stomping on his iphone. And he still loves her. And he thinks if he just finds the perfect thing to do/say/be, she won't do it again and she will love him again the way she did during the great times when they first got together.

It seems so insane, but there’s such a gradual progression to that point of insanity, you literally do not notice, or you have somehow managed to hone your powers of denial to apply a thick coat of “it’s not so bad”…

Here’s where the light bulb went off for me. You know that old saying about how “if someone doesn’t treat the waiter nice, s/he’s not a nice person”? In my relationship with fungus_finger, I came to finally see that my ex was much nicer and more considerate to waitstaff than he was to me or my family.

And then there came a realization that if I was just meeting this man today, and this was our first date, there is NO WAY in HELL that I would tolerate being treated the way he had gradually come to treat me. I would have no place in my life, ATALL, PERIOD, for such a rude, slovenly stranger. So why the heck was I putting up with being treated that way by someone with whom I’d chosen to make a lifetime commitment and I thought had made a similar commitment to me??? Did I really want to spend the rest of my life being ignored, belittled, verbally assaulted, physically intimidated, picking up his messes, paying his bills, surrounded by his garbage, cooking and cleaning and functioning as not much more than a human Fleshlight? NO. And not just NO, but HELL FUCKING NO!

Sometimes all it takes is a fresh look at something to finally see it for what it is. Would you accept the way your partner treats you if they were a stranger on the street or a person on a first date? Would you feel comfortable if a dear friend was being treated the way your SO treats you? If the answer is no, it may be time to make a plan, get safe, and get that person GONE from your life.

Links

Oct. 25th, 2012 09:14 pm
evile: (dorothy)
This is an interesting question. Of course most of our purposes are strongly influenced by our connections and affections with others. Our relationships with others, and our love for them, give us most of the meaning and purpose in our lives. So if a sociopath doesn't have these things, what is left? What kind of purposes do they have?

The answer is chilling: They want to win. Take away love and relationships and all you have left is winning the game, whatever the game is.


common everyday sociopaths

Honestly, this is all it's about for them. They don't know what happiness or success actually feel like. To be content, to feel joy, to feel connected to friends and family and loved ones. To end a day with a sense of having gone out and done something worthwhile. They don't have that, never can and never will. The closest thing a sociopath ever feels to "happy" is watching you cry (usually over some cruelty they committed against you). The closest thing a narcissist ever feels to "success" is in ensuring that you fail. There is no point in having pity or compassion for them, though they are pitiful creatures, to be sure. They wouldn't understand it, would probably reject it and/or see it as a sign of weakness and something to exploit in you, a new way to hurt you. So don't bother. Save your love and compassion for someone who gives a damn.

================================================


I know it feels familiar and comfortable to love a person like this. The excitement of being around this person can be really wonderful. When you can save her. When you can make her enemies pay for offending her. When it's you and her against the whole damn world and you are invincible, a white knight on a grand stallion, bearing weapons of flame against anyone who would harm your Lady. You can't imagine the gray, boring, small life you'd have without her. You can't imagine anyone who can make you feel as good as she does, when you're The Good One. When she's not telling you that you're worthless crap who will never ever find anyone to love you, because you're so worthless and useless. You'll do anything to keep her happy. You'll do anything to make her love you again. You'll do anything to see her smile. And she is a drug that is eating you from the inside out.

5 Stages of Letting Go of a Relationship with an Emotionally Abusive Woman

Oh, that Bramblekite, she's an idiot. She's a jealous loser. She doesn't know what she's talking about. Nope, nope, of course not. Just keep telling yourself whatever you need to tell yourself so that you can get through another day with a vaguely human-shaped leech dragging you into the muck.

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