evile: (dorothy)
[personal profile] evile
Had an 'interesting' online conversation with a nice older lady who was having conflict with her husband's ex wife and adult children. She proposed training the ex and adult kids as if she was training dogs, which she is apparently an expert dog trainer, with an expert bestfriend who is an experienced expert in training all animals, including marine mammals. I and a few others absolutely could *not* get through to this lady that treating people as if they are animals to be trained is a poor idea. It was 'interesting' to say the least. Boundaries, in her mind, meant that she would say "no cursing in my home" and deliver appropriate punishments if the ex wife or adult children engaged in profanity.

I have struggled, and continue to struggle with appropriate setting and maintaining of boundaries. What I do understand of them, they are not a means of controlling others behavior. They are a means of protecting yourself.

I like what this website has to say about boundaries. The language is simple and easy to understand, but the concepts are very profound. http://www.angriesout.com/DatingAbuse.htm

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Had an 'interesting' online conversation with a nice older lady who was having conflict with her husband's ex wife and adult children. She proposed training the ex and adult kids as if she was training dogs, which she is apparently an expert dog trainer, with an expert bestfriend who is an experienced expert in training all animals, including marine mammals. I and a few others absolutely could *not* get through to this lady that treating people as if they are animals to be trained is a poor idea. It was 'interesting' to say the least. Boundaries, in her mind, meant that she would say "no cursing in my home" and deliver appropriate punishments if the ex wife or adult children engaged in profanity.

I have struggled, and continue to struggle with appropriate setting and maintaining of boundaries. What I do understand of them, they are not a means of controlling others behavior. They are a means of protecting yourself.

I like what this website has to say about boundaries. The language is simple and easy to understand, but the concepts are very profound. http://www.angriesout.com/DatingAbuse.htm

<center==========================</center>

<b>For Those Who Can't Say No (And You Know Who You Are)</b>

May you know your bottom line -- what healthy behaviors you will stand for and what unhealthy ones you will not.

May you listen to your internal voice and gut when something radically doesn't feel right for you.

May you get a reality check with someone whose clear-minded thinking you admire if you're not sure about an appropriate boundary.

May you always set and stick to strong boundaries when others push past your personal comfort level.

May you know when you are doing too much for another person and are approaching burnout.

May you speak with authority to say what works for you and what doesn't.

May you repeat your boundary statements in no uncertain terms if others shame you for speaking out.

May you know the difference between agreeing because you want to and giving in.

May you take an assertiveness training course if you don't.

May you use your strong, firm voice to ask for what you want and know you won't always get it.


<b>
For Those Who Can't Hear No (You May Not be Aware of how You Squash Others' Rights)</b>

May you undergo a study of errors in thinking and irrational beliefs so that you will gain happiness.

May you stop all words of blame and shame.

May you distinguish between what benefits you only and what legitimate needs others may have.

May you examine your expectations of others to determine which are valid and fair for all concerned.

May you listen to and respect the boundaries of others.

May you stop using anger to set inappropriate boundaries of your own.

May you learn about how the balance of power within a relationship benefits both partners.

May you learn the methods of fair fighting, conflict negotiation and compromise.

May you take the responsibility for observing and changing how you project your own undesirable behaviors on others.

May you explore topics of power, force and narcissism.

May you stop putting your time and energy into behaviors that do not bring you peace and love.

May you put strong boundaries on your beliefs about entitlement.

In healthy relationships each person has his/her own thoughts and feelings and can take responsibility for his/her actions. So ask yourself are you really getting what you want out of life in terms of living in fair and balanced relationships?
<i><b>
You hold the key to happiness when you start taking responsibility for how you treat others and how you allow them to treat you. You and you alone can take the responsibility for healthy boundaries. You will be as happy as you are able to know and set appropriate boundaries and listen to those appropriate boundaries expressed by others.</b></i>

My wish for you is that your boundaries be healthy ones.
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