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[personal profile] evile
Here's the entire text of the blog entry I quoted from in my last post. Lots of good stuff here.

The Psychopaths Word Games- Discerning The Motive Of Their Language
Posted on August 8, 2013 by theabilitytolove

I’ve seen a few posts around by other survivors who have taken the time, and endured the tedious task of listing several statements that are infamous and ‘textbook’, that the disordered say from time to time in the relationship. Many of these statements are universal, such as, “You’re too sensitive”, or, “Stop making stuff up about me”, or “You love hurting me . . .”

Psychopaths can be enormously intelligent with high IQ’s, particularly the highly successful. The failure in their ability to communicate and make their logic appear as genuine, is their extremely low emotional quotient. Emotional content, does not mean the same thing to them (nothing really) as it does to us. A few examples:

1. love = loyalty to them

2. Confidence = narcissism ie: grandiosity, excessive self referential, over inflated achievements and accomplishments, etc

3. Commitment- as long as you’re adoring, malleable, and giving me what I want. I can abandon you anytime i feel that YOUR commitment to me is not meeting my standards.

4. Sex- with anyone I want, but you must be faithful. You are my main ‘squeeze’ in providing me money, image, status and power with your adoration, but all the others I sleep with are just whores, so I’m not being unfaithful to you.

5. Morality- Individual choice. Morality is not based on ‘feeling’, that’s weakness. I can lie, steal and cheat on you. Just because it bothers you, does not mean it has to bother me! I give to charity and I buy gifts for you and others, so that makes me ‘moral’.

6. Kindness and compassion: as long as it benefits me and makes me look good.

7. Money- It’s mine, you must ask permission to use it. (even if you help bring in the income). I get to buy anything I want, if you want something however, it is up to me whether or not you get it. If we cannot agree on a major purchase, I’ll go out and buy it behind your back and ‘surprise’ you with the gift I bought, pretending it’s for you, or for both of us, but it’s really MINE.

8. Giving/Generosity- In order to suck you into the relationship, I’ll buy you anything you want. I’ll give you everything you ever dreamed of having. Once I own you, that’s over. If I ask you what you want for Christmas, your birthday, you will not get exactly what you want, you’ll get what I think you want or need and it will be cheap. But if we fight and I have to do the work to suck you back in because you’re being mean to me, I’ll go out and buy you something you want to make you believe that I’m giving and that I care about you. I will take you on whimsical vacations and I might even purchase a gift for you from time to time out of the blue if I feel you’re going to abandon me, but overall, as long as your stupid enough to be ‘maintenanced’ by me, it’s a fair deal.

Because the psychopath really thinks this way, in their mind, they are doing nothing wrong. When we confront them on their apparent contradictions (words expressed to make us believe they are genuine about any of the above, for example), with words, we are fed large portions of word salad.

Word salad is brainwashing. It is taking emotional words that the psychopath does not understand and justifying them, by twisting them into something logical. What the psychopath doesn’t get is that those with conscience do not need to justify emotional content because it is naturally felt. This is part of what is known as ‘mind fucking’.

When it comes to confrontation, for example, about his cheating, in his mind this is the deal “I didn’t ‘cheat’ on her. How can she believe I cheated on her when I’m home here every night. Those other bitches don’t mean anything to me, how can she think that this is infidelity?”

However, when you’ve caught him, he will flatly deny that it happened at first. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, baby, I would never do something like that to you, you know that, are you sure you heard that, saw that correctly?”

When you offer ‘proof”, he deflects, “I told you I didn’t cheat, so what this says to me is that you don’t trust me. How could you not trust me when I’m here at home with you every night? When I take care of you financially and watch the kids on weekends so you can be with your friends?”

This tactic is important to recognize, because what he thinks in that he didn’t cheat as he has not the capacity for empathy, therefore no morality, he really believes. You are an affront, not only to his image, but because there is no binding commitment or contract for the pathological, He doesn’t see his cheating as a problem, nor should you, but since he recognizes that it is, he employs different tactics in order to encourage you to doubt yourself and what you know is true.

He creates cognitive dissonance, ie: confusion. His inability to empathize, or to have conscience, means he genuinely does not get what all the fuss is about. He recognizes that being unfaithful is a major marital and societal rule, while married or in a one on one partnered relationship, but he does not think those rules apply to him.

He continues to deflect, deny and to use words to confuse you because he stands to lose something that you offer him, that is beneficial to him. HIs pontificating, twisting of emotional content into purely ludicrous intellectual justification, his seemingly heartfelt apologies are NOT because you are loved by this person. The more beneficial you are to him, the more likely he is to go out of his way to get you back under control.

The words he does not emotionally feel, he will do anything to get away from in your effort to confront or converse with him. This is when the fake ‘rage’ comes in, this is when the psychopath blames and projects onto you the accusations you are leveling at him. He exploits your vulnerabilities in not wanting to make him angry and the psychopath knows this works. He is at his most devious with the intensely personal information he has extrapolated from you, your wounded and unhealed side, and will manipulate you into feeling guilt and shame about what is now ‘your harmful behavior’.

Your empathy, guilt and shame exploited and manipulated means that the conversation or issue in inevitably dropped. And if that doesn’t work, the next tactic will: Sex.

Psychopaths are infamous for using sex as a tool to avoid discussing emotions. He can carefully disguise this as ‘make up’ sex. Because psychopaths know that sex for an empath = love, it works every time. All is forgotten until the next time he commits an act or says something atrocious. Sex is a valuable weapon in the psychopath’s arsenal and he makes consistent use of it to keep you off his trail in unmasking his inability to understand emotional words. He can have sex at any time, with any one, and his sexual fragmentation means that there is no genuine connection to you. Sex is a means to an end, and he will use it with anyone he perceives as having a benefit to him in whatever way.

The psychopath’s deficits in ‘logical’ communication manifest as emotional ineptitude. In order to have genuine intelligence in what it means to cooperate with others and to communicate, one must have logic and empathy. When both of these elements of intelligence are part of a conversation there is no confusion or cognitive dissonance. Conversations flow and each side is heard in a way that is peaceful and feels validating. Even an argument in a relationship with a normal person, is resolved. The psychopath never wants it to be.

When you are in recovery and get to a place where the FOG lifts, you’ll easily see how his use of words, during love bombing, the middle of the relationship, the end and the smear campaign, were used only to promote and advance his own agenda. It was NEVER about you. You’ll be able to see where various arguments fell apart when a genuine emotional response was required.

During my relationship with the ex psychopath, during arguments, he would accuse me of things I never said or did and he would imply I was a certain person, a certain way. Sometimes this was so obvious to me, I’d protest by saying, “Who the hell are you talking about? I don’t even KNOW the person you’re talking about!”

This applies to any situation with a toxic person. If you are labeled in any way, whether someone deems you a narcissist, unsafe, paranoid, delusional, whatever the case may be and it hits you like “WTF? That’s so not me!” This is a clear indication that you’re dealing with projection or that this person has some issues that have nothing to do with you. When we are more balanced and are not acting on our PTSD in recovery, we will see whether or not someone is genuine. There will not be a pattern of behavior that repeats itself in the extreme’s that psychopaths, sociopaths and narcissists do.

Recognizing the ways in which the disordered use words and language, carefully observing how they interpret and discuss terms and words that are emotional, gives excellent clues about their distorted thinking. We tend to focus on the abusive tactics that are obvious, with the psychopaths words, but even during love bombing, the psychopath’s lack of empathy is obvious through his amplification of feelings that are meant to appeal to our ego during seduction. Does ‘soul mate’ ring a bell? How about “you’re the best sex I’ve ever had!”

To a disordered one, to anyone for that matter, we aren’t THAT special!

Onward and upward.

Date: 2016-02-21 06:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jenmarie.livejournal.com
Interesting reading! All of this is what my partner has been accused of being, but also is what I've seen his accuser do to him and others. I wonder how often these behaviors loop and reflect back and forth within toxic relationships, especially if one or both people in a relationship are survivors of previous trauma or abusive relationship.

And what happens when one person has an arsenal of armchair diagnoses and terminology with which to create their "word salad"?

Watching a family member's marriage dissolve has been both painful and unfortunately educational to watch. Both have graduate degrees in psychology, and both have toxic traits. The lingo as ammunition has been flying fast and furious. :(

Date: 2016-02-21 11:06 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bramblekite.livejournal.com
Sadly, yes, I've seen this knowledge and this vocabulary added to the abuser's arsenal of weapons to use against their victims and to make themselves look like the victims instead of the people they are victimizing with their hostile dependence, manipulation, gaslighting, and other such behaviors.

I've been told not to post such things, because it just gives the abusers ammunition and more effective ways to manipulate.

But goddamn it, those of us who have been victimized, gaslighted, used, abused, and manipulated...we need this information. We need to know the language, we need to know how to tell our stories to therapists, bosses, HR reps, and law enforcement...

no matter how the abuser frames their abuse, no matter how cleverly they manipulate the system and their social networks to become more effective abusers....I will never be sorry for giving this information, because it *does* help the victims to frame their experiences and learn that this is not normal, this is not healthy,and there is a way out of the sick system that keeps them feeling trapped in Fear Obligation and Guilt.

I think the better we educate ourselves, the better equipped we are against these forms of manipulation. Even if the 'decorator crab' adds these words and terms to its arsenal, it's still better for us to know what we're up against and more finely tune our bullshit meters against the language of "Therapese" being used to victimize people. Those who are working on ourselves use these tools to get better, to explain what is going on, to own our own bullshit, and improve ourselves and our relationships. Those who are using the language of victimhood to justify and excuse their own abusive behavior and escape responsibility for it....are still easily seen if we truly want to see it.

Date: 2016-02-22 02:03 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jenmarie.livejournal.com
Oh I definitely am all good with an abundance of information, as having the vocabulary makes clarity in all the situations you list and then some. I've learned so much over the last few years, enough to both gain insight and to frustrate the crap out of me. I've never really had to deal with any of this kind of thing before.... Which is great, I suppose, but has left me floundering quite a bit, as you've seen. I've certainly had relationships go awry, and dealt with childhood bullying, but I've never been a victim of trauma or abuse per se. And I'm not now, but the fallout from the peripheral stuff keeps landing in my lap, so to speak. :/

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